Fantastic 1.5

Though there be many ways to short-hand rank a film's worthiness (10 point scale, $ticket price, thumbs, apples, whatever) the 'classic' is the four star system. Me and Math? We're not close. But I can perform simple calculations. So, since four is the magic number for the latest comic book adaptation how do we rate Fantastic Four?

+2 movies start out even-steven then prove or disprove worth
+2 points for daring to adapt tricky but fun source material
-1 exhibits almost no tonal control over material (is "bland" a tone?)
+1 potential to be a visually exciting summer blockbuster
-1 exhibits little visual excitement -where's the "gee whiz" effects?
-1 wait -isn't that the whole raison d'etre of comic book films?
_________
=2 stars so far...but wait so much more to talk about.

+2 points for casting Chiklis & Evans
-1 The Thing's makeup. Should look like rocks. Not foam rocks.
+1 Gruffud is perfect for the Mr. Fantastic role.
-1 ...but he's not having any fun with it. Shame
-2 Invisible Girl: Spectacularly miscast.
-1 Plus an embarrasing Alba-esque performance.
-1 Oh, wait. That is Jessica Alba.
-1 Why does she always stand with face vacant/arms crossed?
+1 ohhhh...that's to emphasize the cleavage. Got it! Cleavage is good.
+1 The forcefield special effect is pretty good.
+1 so is the Human Torch effect. Even moreso
+3 Chris Evans in a towel
-1 Sloppy filmmaking. His underwear shows under it--Who wears both?
_________
=3 stars

+1 Dr. Doom's look is perfect. cloak. mask. I got a geeky thrill.
-1 But the character is boring.
-1 In fact most of the characters and the action are boring.
-1 I wish Peyton Reed hadn't been fired. He would know how to direct this.
________
=1 star.

I'll give it a half point for not being downright awful as I was expecting. Aren't I sweet?