A History of... Julie Andrews

To celebrate the 75th birthday of the great Julie Andrews, our favorite singing governness, our favorite magical nanny, our favorite gender bending toast of Paris. Something big was in order. Why, she's practically perfect in every way... so in her honor, a resurrection of a long dormant exhaustively researched 100% true* series that was once the Film Experience's most popular feature.

1935 Julia Wells is born to Mrs. Barbara Wells in Surrey, England. Mr. Wells is not the father. Scandal! This bastard child will one day become the icon of squeaky clean family entertainment. She won't always enjoy it. At her christening the good fairy Fauna grants her the gift of song

One gift, the gift of song,
Melody your whole life long!
The nightingale her troubadour,
Bringing his sweet serenade to her door.

(We figure that's the only way you get a voice that lovely.)

1940 Having already recognized the fairy's generous gift, non biological daddy Ted Wells sends Julia to live with mom's new man Ted Andrews (also not her biological father --- so confusing!) who is better equipped to give her the musical education she needs.

1947 Julia -- now "Julie Andrews" -- makes her professional debut at the London Hippodrome singing the aria "Je Suis Titania" (i.e. 'I am Titania' -referencing the Queen of the Fairies in A Midsummer Nights Dream, no doubt an homage to generous Fauna) from the opera Mignon. She blows the roof off the place.

1951 Does not prick her finger and fall into an unnatural slumber but is, by now at 16, a British star of stage and radio. Waits impatiently, but sweetly, for love's first kiss total world domination.

1954 Start at the top: Debuts on the American stage on Broadway in the lead role of The Boyfriend.

1956 Wouldn't it be loverly if she originated the plum role of Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady and concurrently became a superstar with the live television airing of the musical Cinderella? Statistics vary but her numbers are basically up their with the explosion of the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan show and the final episode of M*A*S*H. We're talking everyone... or roughly 10 times the numbers that even the biggest "event" nowadays.

1959 Love's first kiss: Marries set designer Tony Walton who she met on the stage in London many years prior whilst playing the Egg in Humpty-Dumpty.

1960 Her eggs produce first child, Emma. Also creates the original Guinevere in the smash hit Broadway musical Camelot.

1962/1963 Julie, already a household name in America, is passed over for the movie version of the role she created in My Fair Lady because Jack Warner, in a typically lazy movie industry move (that we still see every day in 2010) only wants someone "bankable." Never mind that her first two movies become enormous "all time" blockbusters, each outgrossing My Fair Lady (which was also a hit with "bankable" Audrey Hepburn). Nobody can see into the future and most people aren't willing to risk casting based on rightness for a role... even though anyone in the right role at the time can become bankable as Mary Poppins will soon prove.

1964 Kill Audrey, Vol 1: Julie's movie debut Mary Poppins outgrosses My Fair Lady. So much for not bankable. She also stars in the acclaimed adult-oriented drama The Americanization of Emily, a film which she reportedly loves, though few notice in the enormous wake of that flying nanny.


1965 Kill Audrey Vol. 2: Julie wins the Oscar, besting Audrey Hepburn (who actually wasn't nominated but this isn't the way history remembers it. Shut up!).

As follow up, Julie spins around on a mountain top; billions of people all over the world get dizzy, and thousands of fairies are born. The Sound of Music outgrosses every movie that's ever existed including Gone With the Wind (if you don't adjust for inflation).

After defeating Audrey Hepburn, Julie targets Vivien Leigh. 'You can make one dress out of curtains? Amateur!'

Von Trapp play-clothes

1966 Hitchcock, having worn on Tippi Hedren's last nerve, has to find a replacement blonde. He tries Julie out for Torn Curtain. Outcome: Not icy and anonymous enough for Hitch. They never work together again. The film is a big hit. So is Hawaii that same year. Even outside of musicals Julie is beyond bankable.

1967 Julie stars as wannabe flapper Millie in Thoroughly Modern Millie. People remember it today as a misfire or flop but sorry: another huge hit, the biggest in Universal's history up till then. Julie + musicals = box office gold.

1968 Except when it don't. Oops. Star, a bloated biopic of Gertrude Lawrence becomes her first failure. Julie divorces Tony Walton and...

1969 ...marries Blake Edwards after filming Darling Lili (1970) for the director with Rock Hudson.

1970s After five years on the mountain top of global stardom, Julie bows out of the movies, making only two more films over the decade. She has two more children and then adopts two more still. She makes multiple television appearances.

1981 Blake convinces his wife to bare her breasts, which he had undoubtedly seen thousands of times already but he's a sharer. Her boob flash in S.O.B totally scandalizes Mary Poppins fans and my parents (also Mary Poppins fans). I remember the fallout vividly from my youth. They were furious.

1982 Despite her "betrayal" of squeaky clean loving fans, Hollywood and pop culture reembrace the icon when Victor/Victoria hits. Her multi-octave slide in "Le Jazz Hot" shatters glass and thousands more fairies are born. Julie is nominated for another Oscar for her woman-pretending-to- be-a-man-pretending- to-be-a-woman nightclub act wherein she falls in love with gangster King Marchand (James Garner again) or "Fairy Marchand" as his arm-candy girlfriend rechristens him in a jealous rage.



1983 Julie Andrews loses the Oscar to Meryl Streep in Sophie's Choice as would anyone from any year in any film under any circumstance.

rest of the 1980s makes a few more movies with Blake Edwards but nothing ascends. Bares her breasts again opposite Rupert Everett in Duet For One (1986) but few notice. You only get a shock from that once.

1990s-1999 returns to Broadway, eventually revives Victor/Victoria in new form, refuses a Tony nomination for their "egregious" snubbing of her fellow cast members. Vocal problems begin. Undergoes surgery for throat nodules and something goes wrong and she is unable to sing again. A special new circle of hell is created for whomever is to blame though...

2000 ...here on earth the matter is settled in a malpractice lawsuit. Julie's Just Rewards: She becomes "Dame" Julie Andrews by order of the Queen.

2001 Speaking of Queens...  The Princess Diaries opens, surprising virtually everyone by becoming a smash with non-bankable Anne Hathaway in the leading role of the Princess and non-singing no-longer bankable Julie as the Queen of Genovia. The hit film will win her a new generation of young fans and set in motion a new career in children's films, albeit usually just as voice work. As in...

2010 Despicable Me wherein Julie Andrews plays the disapproving mother of super villain Gru. On October 1st, Julie Andrews celebrates her 75th birthday.

Here's to her next quarter century as one of the great entertainers of all time!

*or truthy, same diff.

Recycled Experience: Jodie Foster

[In between Boyd's Venice postings I'm posting choice reruns for new readers. Why? I'm prepping Fall Goodies for the Film Experience --behind the scenes stuff " pay no attention to the man behind the curtain" -- so I need some time away from the daily grind. Be back with original stuff in a few days -Nathaniel]

Original published in March 2006. I might revive the "a history of..." series this Fall.

1962 Wee infant Alicia Christian Foster is born in Los Angeles. She will be known, very quickly I must add, as "Jodie". Her mom will pimp her out just two years later for her first professional gig. Over the next 40+ years Alicia will flash a lot more than her Coppertone tan.

1968-1973 Jodie on the lam! The young actor skirts child labor law authorities by accreditation as two different actors "Jodie" and "Jody" (her imaginary twin brother?) making 33 TV appearances and 4 movies.

1974 Jody and Jodie make a big impression as a tomboy in Martin Scorsese's Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore.

1976 At the tender age of 14, whilst peers are having slumber parties and talking about cute boys, Jodie stars in three enduring films: One classic,Taxi Driver, and two family favorites, Bugsy Malone and Freaky Friday. Fearing she had accomplished too little that calendar year, she makes two more films, begins work on Flora Plum, hosts Saturday Night Live, and moves to France. C'est tout.

1981 Crazy John Hinckley Jr shoots President Reagan in what he claims is an attempt to impress Jodie Foster. It becomes The Subject That Dare Not Speak Its Name in interviews with the actress. Stephen Sondheim later speaks its name in his musical "Assassins." Meanwhile she attends Yale and adds another undiscussable to her resume: The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name. Sondheim stays mum.

1984 Jodie emerges from college related obscurity to repeatedly f*** screen brother Rob Lowe in The Hotel New Hampshire. Hey, he looked like this. You would too.

Yes, even if you were a lesbian.

1988-1989 Jodie stars as rape victim Sarah Tobias in The Accused and steals the Oscar from its primary 80s lady-in-waiting Glenn Close in Dangerous Liaisons whose performance is, by rough estimation, 413 times better. Freaky Friday Monday, March 29th --That same night Rob Lowe dirty dances with Snow White, wishing it were Jodie all the while.

1991 Anthony Hopkins chews scenery and downs a nice quianti as Hannibal Lecter. Foster becomes Clarice Starling. They both take home Oscars. But what she really wants to do is direct (Little Man Tate).

1993-1999 Jodie enters her "romantic" phase, wherein she pleads for the suspension of your disbelief while jumping Richard Gere's bones, flirting with Mel Gibson, trembling with Matthew McConaughey, and making goo goo eyes at Chow Yun Fat. She is more convincing whilst playing Nell, a freaky twin. Her other half is dead. Hmmmmm. What did happen to little Jody, anyway?

1997 She offed the wrong brother. Buddy Foster publishes an unauthorized biography, Sister Dearest "Foster Child"

2002-2006 Enters her "trapped in confined spaces in thrillers" period.

... wherein she phones it in from within a high-tech bomb shelter and a big airplane. She mixes it up in The Inside Man by being outside of the confined space (a bank) where others are trapped. That Jodie ...always surprising us.

Most Popular Histories...
Sharon Stone * Angelina Jolie * Gay Cowboys * Dakota Fanning * Jake & Maggie Gyllenhaal

A History of... Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson week continues. Since I'm all about your maximum reading pleasure I'd suggest soundtrack accompaniment for this post. "More Than This" by Bill Murray, the hidden track on the Lost in Translation soundtrack or, better yet, pop in Björk's "Army of Me"

Enjoy

1984 Scarlett Marie Johansson springs full grown from the head of her mother Melanie in New York City. Says a hoarse "hey" to twin brother Hunter three minutes later, lights a cigarette and watches a Lauren Bacall flick. Surprisingly patient, Scarlett waits ten more years before launching her attack on Hollywood.

1994 She makes her film debut in the legendary bad movie North starring a then 13 year-old Elijah Wood. He's already a pro with eight movies under his belt. Scarlett takes notes.

1998 She gets her first lead role at 14 in The Horse Whisperer. Nobody looks at the horse. Robert Redford, Kristin Scott Thomas, Dianne Weist, Sam Neill, and Kate Bosworth co-star. Nobody looks at them either.

2001 Ghost World premieres to hosannas from hundreds of critics and small pockets of obsessed geeks. Thora Birch is the star but it's Scarlett with her wise observant face and mellow vibe (among other assets) who hypnotizes. She gains the career momentum from the comic adaptation.

2002 Scarlett turns 18. Critics and geeks rejoice.

2003 Making her entrance ass first in pink panties, Scarlett ascends to the top of the Young Hollywood ladder with Lost in Translation. Two months later Girl with a Pearl Earring seals the deal on her new serious actress status and carnal appeal --she even makes mouthbreathing sexy.

2005 Ever the gambler, the new star makes two risky moves that payoff. She plays new muse for lost-it auteur Woody Allen improbably inspiring his biggest hit in 20 years, Match Point. She also takes a starring role as an escaped clone in the first flop from the King of Bad Movies, Michael Bay. It's a sci-fi actioner called The Island. Never one to waste an opportunity she studies cloning on the set and begins to replicate.

2006 Bouyed by a new clone army, Scarletts Johansson begins working 360 hour workweeks. Hollywood executives can't get enough with three movies in theaters (Scoop, The Prestige, The Black Dahlia), two lucrative commercial contracts underway (L'Oreal and Reebok), and five more movies in the pipeline for 2007.

2007 Trouble in Johanssonville. Scarlett2 complains of corns from endless Reebok photoshoots. Scarlett3's hair feels like straw after the L'Oreal commercials. Scarlett4 is sick of giving it up for Josh Hartnett --'the man is a sex addict!' and feels gropings from Isaac Mizrahi and ogling by studio executives contribute to a hostile work environment. Rejecting Scarlett's promises of shared Golden Globe swag, the Scarletts unionize. The original Ms. Johansson, never anything less than razor sharp, cuts down dramatically on overall production as payroll costs escalate. One film a year --two max. And definitely less nookie for Josh.

*

While you're here see the full blog for the rest of "Scarlett Johansson Week", vote in the current "Scarlett fever" poll, see where Scarlett placed in the "Actress of the Aughts" countdown or read the previous History Angelina Jolie

tags: Scarlett Johansson, movies, cinema, Josh Hartnett, cloning, gossip, clone, film, reebok, Golden Globes, Woody Allen

A History of... Angelina Jolie

"A History Of..." is my most popular feature but what with all the painstakingly accurate research required [*chortle*] it can take days to prepare. So you may have noticed that I've been neglecting this duty. Sorry.

Without further ado...


1973 James Haven is born to Oscar-nominated Midnight Cowboy Jon Voight and Marcheline Bertrand in Los Angeles, California. He has his father's lips.

1975 Haven gets a baby sister, Angelia Jolie Voight, a month after his second birthday. She has her brother's lips.

1979 Jon Voight wins the Oscar for Coming Home in March. Angie and Haven celebrate at home. with knives.

1982 Little seven year-old Angie gets her first screen credit for Lookin' To Get Out.

1989 Begins modelling. Feels full and sensuous lips are much better fit for modelling where it's totally acceptable --nay, required!-- to sexualize 14 year-olds. Hollywood is so stingy with good roles for natural born Lolitas.

1993 Getting long in the tooth for modelling, Angie re-debuts in cinema with Cyborg 3. Auspicious beginnings.

1995 She lands her first role that anybody notices. On the set ofHackers she meets and soon...

1996 ...marries Trainspotting star Johnny Lee Miller, hubby #1. Finding wedding dresses too bourgeois and veils too sexist, she paints his name in blood on her T-Shirt for the ceremony. Haven turns green, and consoles himself thinking about one of Angie's earliest tattoos "H". Tattoos are forever.

1998 Mrs. Johnny Lee Miller causes minor Hollywoodquake in the title role of the HBO film Gia playing her first glamorous sociopath. Follows it up with touching ensemble work as a party girl looking for love in Playing With Heart, further proving that beneath the pout lies a persuasive acting gift.

1999 She portrays "Lisa" in Girl, Interrupted and turns Winona Ryder's intended comeback into her own star-making vehicle. Noni too stoned to notice the hijacking. (Unclear if she yet realizes that Angie is the one with the Oscar.) Lisa = glamorous sociopath #2.

In this fertile star-making period she also films Pushing Tin where she meets Billy Bob Thornton. Out with Johnny Lee (divorce). In with Billy Bob Thornton, soon-to-be hubbie #2 and tattoo #welostcount. Billy Bob was dating Laura Dern at the time but I think we can all agree that knives + tattoos + blood vials are hard to trump in the "hot girlfriend" arena. Sorry, Laura.

2000 The breakthrough starlet attends the Oscars as Morticia Addams and makes out with brother Haven (not dressed as Gomez but maybe he spoke French?). Sets new millenium trend of following up Oscar win by starring in shitty blockbuster-- Charlize & Halle: nothing but copycats! Angie's next project is co-starring with Nicolas Cage in Gone in Sixty Seconds. But that's cruel of me to mention. You were probably relieved to have forgotten about it.

2001 Angelina's giant breasts get their first starring role in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. Roger Ebert turns digits 'way, way up.'

2003 Ms. Croft travels the world for Beyond Borders.She adopts the world's cutest boy Maddox abroad. Dumps Billy Bob back home in America. Angelina's baby fever begins but contrary to early Mia Farrow media snarking, her international period soon reads a little more Audrey Hepburn dogooder.

2004 She pops up in a couple of crappy movies just so she can be the best thing about them and remind the world that she's a bonafide movie star.

2005 BRANGELINA fever begins with hit movie Mr. & Mrs. Smith and even bigger hit gossip. Brad is married to Jennifer Aniston at the time but I think we can all agree that tattooed mindblowingly gorgeous movie star with cute international brood beats hard bodied pretty TV star. Sorry, Rachel. Brangelina spends the year playing pointless "no comment" games with the press despite the fact that everyone in the known universe (including each citizen of Namibia the year before the Jolie-Pitts invade) knows. Meanwhile Jennifer Aniston milks her feels-sorry-for-me moment for all its worth, smiling on endless magazine covers and trying. to. stay. strong *sniffle* oh and go see her new movie(s)!

2006 OMG. You think I'm even gonna even try? If you need this history as full as her luscious lips, check out the Angelina pages @ Gawker, Defamer, popbytes and WWTDD for much more ∞

2012 Jennifer Aniston continues to stay strong and appreciates your support in this difficult time. oh and go see her new movie(s)!


Say, while you're here check out the full blog, vote in the current poll, or read previous Histories...
Blue Freaks * Tarzan * Missions: Impossible * Dakota Fanning *Bunnies * Sharon Stone * Jodie Foster *Gender Bending * Bald Women * Sarah Jessica Parker * Gay Cowboys * Juli's Screen Kids * Gyllenhaal

tags: Angelina Jolie, movies, cinema, Brad Pitt, Winona Ryder, Jennifer Aniston, Maddox, celebrities, adoption, tattoos, Brangelina, Lara Croft, gossip,

"A History Of" Returns Soon

You may have been wondering what's happened to "A History Of..." ? It's been a month since the last installment of this blog's most popular feature but what with all the painstakingly accurate research required [*chortle*] it can take days to prepare [pathetic. yet, true]. So you may have noticed that I've been neglecting this duty. Though it pains me to admit it, admit it I must. This series is no longer weekly. Consider me like HBO. You get less episodes than the networks but it's worth waiting out the long hiatuses.

At any rate it is coming back. The 15th Episode is coming soon...



Stay tuned...

A History of... Blue Freaks

X-Men: The Last Stand(X3) opens in just 10 days. Naturally as an early disciple of Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters I'm having trouble thinking about much else. I remain wary of the furry Beast's movie debut, though. The character in the comics is a don't-judge-a-book-by-its-cover treat. He's the brainiest most bookish of all superheroes but he looks like a dangerous animal. A blue one. In my efforts to think of the character and not the actor playing him (ewww), let's look back at other similary hued oddities of (movie) nature.


1900-1966 In the first several decades of the movies many were filmed in boring old black and until Ted Turner rescued us by colorizing all those old movies [/sarcasm]... so we don't really know what color many characters were. But green seems to be the favorite for any freakish character be it The Wicked Witch of the West, Swamp Thing, or any number of aliens or monsters. The Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz did have a cool bluish tint, though, which only added to his silver foxiness.

1967 In the second season of Gene Roddenberry's eternal oh god please make it go away! Star Trek series and subsequent media empire, we are introduced to Andorians, stupid looking blue humanoids with antennae. Thankfully they do not become major characters in the films (they only cameo).

1971 In Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, vain chewing gum champ Violet Beauregard gets more than she bargained for with that stick o blueberry gum. 'You are what you eat...'

1981 What screams "the 80s!" quite like The Smurfs? They're right up there with smiley faces and Rubik's Cubes. They were a Saturday morning staple for the entire decade. Strangely Gargamel, Papa, and Smurfette never made it to cinemas (terrible news for Tina Yothers' dreams of movie stardom). For Smurf's sake, even the Care Bears got a movie! What gives?

1984 Frank Herbert's best selling sci-fi series Dune becomes a movie. It was full of visual effects but the thing I remember best is those glowing blue eyes on David Lynch's stand-in Kyle McLachlan and the 80s version of Anne Heche (Sean Young) . They both played 'freemen' which I think was a fictional religious sect whose members ate a lot of some spice known as melange --which made their eyes into crazysexycool peepers. This still does not explain Paul Newman.

1988 In every plushies --or is it furries?-- favorite 80s sex comedy Earth Girls Are Easy Jim Carrey, Damon Wayans, and Jeff Goldblum play furry aliens trying to get laid. Goldblum is the blue one and he gets the best hook-up (Geena Davis in a bikini -huzzah). He also snagged her in real life. Underneath the blue fur he actually looked like this, which also goes to explain the Laura Dern hookup shortly thereafter.

1989 Everyone's favorite modern Disney villainess Ursula (from The Little Mermaid) may not be exactly easy on the eyes but she knew how to work her nearly monochromatic look with all kinds of shades of blues and purples at working. My favorite part is her tribute to the 80s with that ultra blue eyeshadow.

1990 I would probably be remiss to omit the Blue Man Group from this lineup since they're begging for inclusion with their very descriptive name but I just. don't. get. them. They aren't movie folks anyway so damn their ubiquity.

1997 If when thinking over The Fifth Element your mind immediately races to orange (as in Bruce Willis's circuit party ready backless tank top) or white (as in Milla Jovovich's strategically skimpy white tape outfit) you are probably just a healthy heterosexual or homosexual. With the movies I'm all kinds of polysexual so the thing I remember most is that weirdly hypnotic operatic rock star diva who happened to be light blue. God that was a great scene.

2000-present If you discount the return of those glowing blue peepers in the TV series of Dune (and we should --the costume designer commits more atrocities against the color wheel than I have ever seen in any other film or tv show and I don't mean that as a joke at all. Your eyes will bleed) and that rambunctious Disney critter Stitch with a propensity for destruction that would give the Tasmanian devil pause, the color blue has been all but copyrighted in the Aughts by Marvel's merry brand of misfit mutants.

The X-Men movies played the neat trick of revealing the blue freaks in reverse chronological order from their comic book origins. Mystique paved the way onscreen. She's not naked in the comics which only goes to show you that sometimes radical changes from the source material are smart moves. Unfortunately three years later when X2 brought us Alan Cumming as "Nightcrawler" they opted to cover him up. Not to be deterred Alan Cumming made sure everyone saw him naked anyway. Now, Kelsey Grammar will appear as the Beast, one of the founding members of the X-Men way back in 1963. He wasn't blue and furry back then --that particular part of his mutation took root later on --but he was still brainy and beastly. With Kelsey on board, let's pray it's not a blue movie.


Recent Histories...
Tarzan * Missions: Impossible * Dakota Fanning * Bunny Rabbits * Sharon Stone *

tags: television, Star Trek, Smurfs, movies, celebrities, Paul Newman, Dune, Frank Herbert, XMen, Comic Books, X-Men, Marvel, Alan Cumming

An (Illustrated) History of... Tarzan

For this week's "history" we're heading to the jungle because a new musical a new Disney product opens on Broadway is available for purchase on Wednesday. It's Tarzan! wherein the chief selling point (if you don't include the Phil Collins "score" as a selling point --and, honestly, who in their right mind would?) is Josh Strickland in a loincloth.

The last time I saw a musical in which the chief selling point was a buff male bod it was atrocious. [The musical not the bod, no siree.] This time I'll just look at pictures rather than buying a ticket.

For your viewing pleasure and historical edification, Tarzan throughout the (movie) ages... [click on the photos to enlarge]

The Silent Era
Elmo Lincoln was the first credited Tarzan (in 1918) to swing across the screen. Those vines musta been sturdy. Silent films also gave us the first transsexual Tarz--oh, I kid. That's just James Pierce, Edgar Rice Burrough's son-in-law enjoying some Hollywood nepotism long before Tori Spelling was ever an apple in Aaron's eye. I love the smart print top. 'He Tarzan, you Wilma' --er, I mean, Jane. Jane. Stuntman Frank Merrill was the last silent Tarzan. Only he wasn't. Just as films began to experiment with sound he got to emit the first famous 'Tarzan yell'.

The 1930s
Or "When Tarzan Got Hot" And by hot I mean molten lava temperatures. Technically Johnny Weismuller deserves his own page. He will always be considered "Tarzan" in the way that Sean Connery is still considered "Bond." But Flash Gordon himself, Buster Crabbe, also played Tarzan during the decade... so I had to share the visuals. Jane hadn't a prayer. Talk about jungle fever. There was bound to be a little Tarzan Jr added to the movies before long. There were at least two other Lords of the Apes during this decade, too, which means there's probably lots of fascinating legal copyright issues to consider but I'm too busy staring at Johnny and Buster to do real reportage. Don't judge.

The 1940s and 1950s
"The Post Weismuller Years". After Weismuller vacated his long held jungle post there was never again even a threat to his definitive Tarzan status though it wasn't for lack of trying. Lex Barker was first up. He has the distinction of rapidly rotating "Janes". What? Did he have Clark Gable breath or something? He starred with five of them. The 50s also dropped beefcake pinup Gordon Scott into the mix. I'm not sure what happened to the gene pool but that physique only existed in the 50s. Some of his Tarzan flicks are, incidentally, considered among the best in the series. At the tail end of Tarzan's last busy decade, Denny Miller took over. He carries the distinction of being the first blonde Tarzan. He's still alive so Daniel Craig might want to give him a call if you know what I mean.

The 1960s
Difficult as it may be to believe, this is not a still from the latest release from Raging Stallion or Falcon This is just Mike Henry a former football pro who played Tarzan thrice in the 60s.

The 1970s
Nothing much to report. Tarzan's dark period. The only Ape Men the American public showed any interest in had names like Cornelius and Dr. Zauis

The 1980s
Tarzan took a backseat to a bimbo-fied Jane in the 1981 Bo Derek jiggle fest Tarzan, the Ape Man. In fact Tarzan in the form of Miles O' Keefe didn't speak at all. Not one line of dialogue. It's basically Chippendales Dancer gone savage. But all was not lost for our favorite elephant riding hero in the Me Decade. It only took sixty-six years of the franchise before the movies finally gave Tarzan the prestige treatment with Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes. If I'm not mistaken it's the only Tarzan film to receive multiple Oscar nods. French actor and hottie Christopher Lambert starred as the titular character before his days of chopping off heads in the Highlander movies (cool at the time) and sleeping with Diane Lane offscreen (cool forever).

The 1990s
Remember when Casper Van Diem had a career and bragged in magazines about his 27 inch waist? Neither do I. [Blogger also pleads amnesia upon hearing "Casper Van Diem" and proclaimed so by refusing to upload his photo from Tarzan and the Lost City] Moving on... This decade also brought us the first incarnation of Phil Collins Oscar-winning musical version for Disney. You didn't need to see his photo either.

The Aughts
The public hasn't been truly devoted to Tarzan for some time. But Hollywood will keep on trying. There was that failed TV series a few years back and now this new Broadway show ... which brings us up to date. *whew*

Beat your chest like Cheetah if you're swinging from his vine.

* If you're new to this blog, please look around-- there's lots more.
* Also vote on part 2 of the favorite actor poll (non Tarzan related)
If you're interested in more shirtless Ape Man pictures (and I do mean a lot more) check out these expansive fan sites: "Tarzan Movie Guide", "Down Memory Lane with Tarzan", "Edgar Rice Burroughs Tribute Zine" and the scrumdiddlyumptious "Brians Drive In Movie Theater"

Previous Histories...
Missions: Impossible * Dakota Fanning *Bunny Rabbits * Sharon Stone * Jodie Foster *Gender Bending * Bald Women * Sarah Jessica Parker * Gay Cowboys * Julianne Moore's Screen Kids * Gyllenhaal

tags: Tarzan, Broadway, theater, movies

A History of... Missions: Impossible

1986 Agent John Q Public. Your mission should you choose to accept it. Enjoy Tom Cruise playing some sort of elf boy in a fantasy epic 14 years before Lord of the Rings makes those cool.

[Status: Mission initially rejected by Agent.Top Gun rushed into theaters. Agent John Q reconsiders mission. Tom Cruise then thoroughly enjoyed by agent. Agent agrees to purchase tickets to all future Cruise flicks, no matter how god awful they may be. Mission: Accomplished. Case file closed.]

1987 Agent Mimi Rogers. Your mission should you choose to accept it: Marry Tom Cruise and live with him for many years providing Agent John Q Public soothing belief that favorite movie star is normal, well adjusted, and heterosexual.

[Status: Mission initially accepted. Former Agent Rogers failed to complete her mission returning her top-secret dossier in 1990. Also violated contract to never speak ill of him in public. Believed to be currently operating as a frequently nude rogue agent. Should be considered extremely dangerous if ever fully embraced by Agent John Q Public. Case file dormant]

1990 Agent Nicole Kidman. Your mission should you choose to accept it? Marry Tom Cruise and live with him for many years providing Agent John Q Public soothing belief that favorite movie star is normal, well adjusted, and heterosexual. Provide children. Join Scientology.

[Status: Mission considered accomplished despite incomplete nature. Has agreed to maintain vow of silence. Agent Kidman is also recommended for future impossible missions. Has shown extreme stamina, laser focus, Agent Cruise-like levels of both ambition and sparkly star wattage. She is also widely believed to have maintained admirable exemplary composure throughout the demanding mission. Recommend minor ongoing surveillance --Agent John Q Public far too attached --could still corrupt original Cruise-loving mission. Case file: Dormant.]

2001 Agent Penelope Cruz. Your mission should you choose to accept it? Marry Tom Cruise and live with him for many years providing Agent John Q Public soothing belief that favorite movie star is normal, well adjusted, and heterosexual. Provide children. Join Scientology.

[Status: Mission is believed to have been accepted (translator sought). Agent Cruz fired after unfortunate encounter with higher ranking agent John Q Public. Relieved of all Cruise-related duties. Last seen in arms of blonde movie actor. Case file: Recommend closure. Agent Cruz harmless, insignifant.]

2005-present Agent John Q Public. Your mission should you choose to accept it: Continue to enjoy Tom Cruise and believe him to be sound in the head and a national heterosexual hero. Believe that Matt Lauer is glib, Brooke Shields is a dangerous woman, and Tom is deeply in love with Katie "Kate" Holmes and she is in no danger of brainwashing or loss of former identity.

[Status of Mission: Agent John Q Public has been seen exhibiting formerly unseen behaviors including gossip and disrespect. Was overheard using the words "Xenu", "TomKat" and "batshit crazy". Said Agent has not formerly accepted mission and is still watching The Today Show (!). Mission is uncertain but Agent John Q is believed to have expressed interest in seeing Mission: Impossible 3 anyway. Years of training will kick in on Friday. Case file: Open. Highly Active]

*

Previous Histories...
Dakota Fanning *Bunny Rabbits * Sharon Stone * Jodie Foster *Gender Bending * Bald Women * Sarah Jessica Parker * Gay Cowboys * Julianne Moore's Screen Kids * Gyllenhaal

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