Tuesday, May 02, 2006

A History of... Missions: Impossible

1986 Agent John Q Public. Your mission should you choose to accept it. Enjoy Tom Cruise playing some sort of elf boy in a fantasy epic 14 years before Lord of the Rings makes those cool.

[Status: Mission initially rejected by Agent.Top Gun rushed into theaters. Agent John Q reconsiders mission. Tom Cruise then thoroughly enjoyed by agent. Agent agrees to purchase tickets to all future Cruise flicks, no matter how god awful they may be. Mission: Accomplished. Case file closed.]

1987 Agent Mimi Rogers. Your mission should you choose to accept it: Marry Tom Cruise and live with him for many years providing Agent John Q Public soothing belief that favorite movie star is normal, well adjusted, and heterosexual.

[Status: Mission initially accepted. Former Agent Rogers failed to complete her mission returning her top-secret dossier in 1990. Also violated contract to never speak ill of him in public. Believed to be currently operating as a frequently nude rogue agent. Should be considered extremely dangerous if ever fully embraced by Agent John Q Public. Case file dormant]

1990 Agent Nicole Kidman. Your mission should you choose to accept it? Marry Tom Cruise and live with him for many years providing Agent John Q Public soothing belief that favorite movie star is normal, well adjusted, and heterosexual. Provide children. Join Scientology.

[Status: Mission considered accomplished despite incomplete nature. Has agreed to maintain vow of silence. Agent Kidman is also recommended for future impossible missions. Has shown extreme stamina, laser focus, Agent Cruise-like levels of both ambition and sparkly star wattage. She is also widely believed to have maintained admirable exemplary composure throughout the demanding mission. Recommend minor ongoing surveillance --Agent John Q Public far too attached --could still corrupt original Cruise-loving mission. Case file: Dormant.]

2001 Agent Penelope Cruz. Your mission should you choose to accept it? Marry Tom Cruise and live with him for many years providing Agent John Q Public soothing belief that favorite movie star is normal, well adjusted, and heterosexual. Provide children. Join Scientology.

[Status: Mission is believed to have been accepted (translator sought). Agent Cruz fired after unfortunate encounter with higher ranking agent John Q Public. Relieved of all Cruise-related duties. Last seen in arms of blonde movie actor. Case file: Recommend closure. Agent Cruz harmless, insignifant.]

2005-present Agent John Q Public. Your mission should you choose to accept it: Continue to enjoy Tom Cruise and believe him to be sound in the head and a national heterosexual hero. Believe that Matt Lauer is glib, Brooke Shields is a dangerous woman, and Tom is deeply in love with Katie "Kate" Holmes and she is in no danger of brainwashing or loss of former identity.

[Status of Mission: Agent John Q Public has been seen exhibiting formerly unseen behaviors including gossip and disrespect. Was overheard using the words "Xenu", "TomKat" and "batshit crazy". Said Agent has not formerly accepted mission and is still watching The Today Show (!). Mission is uncertain but Agent John Q is believed to have expressed interest in seeing Mission: Impossible 3 anyway. Years of training will kick in on Friday. Case file: Open. Highly Active]

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Previous Histories...
Dakota Fanning *Bunny Rabbits * Sharon Stone * Jodie Foster *Gender Bending * Bald Women * Sarah Jessica Parker * Gay Cowboys * Julianne Moore's Screen Kids * Gyllenhaal

tags: Nicole Kidman, Mimi Rogers, Tom Cruise, movies, celebrities, Tomkat, gossip, Scientology, Katie Holmes,

12 comments:

John T said...

Absolutely hilarious (though I'd love to see what your take on Chad Slater's Mission...er, Possible is).

Javier Aldabalde said...

Ah, hilarious.

Neel Mehta said...

A nice variation on what I expected would be a traditional run through Tom Cruise's career and personal life.

My fave thing about TomKat? The general public was willing to give Tom the benefit of the doubt on his sexuality when he was with Mimi, Nicole, and Penelope. Then, once he hooked up with Katie Holmes, public opinion shifted as people decided he must be gay. What a wonderful anti-Katie statement.

Ramification said...

I think it has to do more with his bizarre behaviour after meeting Katie (I will never call her Kate!), I don't ever remember him jumping on a couch and declaring his undying love to Nicole. The Oprah incident seemed so staged and fake (to me) and thats when public opinion started to turn on him.

Neel Mehta said...

Sorry, I disagree. The Oprah incident helped the public decide that Tom was crazy. But they thought the TomKat pairing was a sham long before that.

Anonymous said...

Regardless, that was one of the most hilarious things I've read in a while...

But did you have to tread on Cocktail along the way? (I'm sure I've confessed my love for it here before.) It's quite simply the best bad movie EVER. It's my Flugelbinder, if you will.

Rob

adam k. said...

Is this "Legend" movie any good? It actually sounds like something I really wanna see...

Anonymous said...

I despise Tom Cruise.

Anonymous said...

I hate, hate, hate Legend. Unless you've grown up watching it, as did the only rabid Legend fan I know, you'll probably hate it too. Terrible special effects, terrible dialogue, and Cruise looks (and acts) terrible in his leafy skirt. Definitly not recommended.

Glenn Dunks said...

Ugh, he's so weird and revolting now. This whole thing with Katie (i too won't call her Kate, child birthing woman or not) is just icky in a primary school "omg, he like totally loves you, that's SO gross" sorta way.

I feel sorry for Michelle Monaghan having to kiss him. But I will forever respect Scarlett Johansson for apparently bolting out of a meeting with him at a Scientology centre.

Anonymous said...

Legend was from 1985. Edit your damn post.

NATHANIEL R said...

actually it opened in American in 1986. So deal.

IMDB isn't always correct. Often the year they post reflects the year of production.