Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Weekly Horoscope (From a Special Guest)

Hi kids, it's Annette. Bening. Mrs. Warren Beatty. Nathaniel can be such an unreliable man. He's only done this column once and already he asks for assistance! But he was very kind to me a year ago (notice the gold medal) so I cleared my schedule. Nathaniel, consider the debt repaid. No more autographed nude portraits of you know who.

So: Horoscopes. I do know something about the stars and their alignment. I am one. I married one. I keep him in line. Nathaniel suggested I come up with a hook. He's big on themes. So I've given each sign a weapon to use, er, I mean concentrate on. I am not at all condoning violence, I am a staunch liberal! But if you were to feel murderous towards a skanky double Oscar winner anyone (HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING) these are the appropriate weapons if you have the chance to rid the world of her greedy disingenuous 'i'm from a trailer park' ass their sorry existence. Hypothetically.

This is merely a mental exercise like past life regression games with my sister-in-law. It's for entertainment and catharsis, like when you write a passionately venting angry 13 page letter with no intention of ever sending it to Julie Christie the person. It's similar to that. Just something to focus on as you listen to the stars.

Weekly Movie Horoscope
May 3rd -May 9th from your guest astrologist, Annette Bening

Aries (3.21-4.19)
Venus is entering your sign this week and staying for a while which should fire you up sexually and financially. Though hopefully not all at the same time (unless you're a whore) Speaking of which: whips!

Taurus (4.20-5.20)
This week will probably be more unsettling than your routine-loving self will like. Do something to ground yourself. Do it with maybe a shovel. Your should be able to swing that like a pro after Saturday when Mercury enters your sign.

Gemini (5.21-6.20)
This is not the week to put your nose in other people's affairs. This is a rare week where you'll be happier alone. Believe in yourself. Bring along some rope. Good for tying up non-believers or dragging them along behind you.

Cancer (6.21-7.22)
You're being closely watched this week --probably at work or school (Venus is in that House of Career), so... on your guard. The scrutiny might actually be good for you. It'll have to be poison. Odorless, hard to trace, quiet, effective.

Leo (7.23-8.22)
Troubles from the winter should disappear. Spring is ready to kiss--nay, worship you. You'll be feeling ready to roar but don't make too many promises. Do dream big this week. Borrow Sag's bow and arrow. Shoot your shot.

Virgo (8.23-9.22)
Your load should be lightened soon and order restored. Listen to your urges this weekend. Buy something nice for yourself like maybe a heavy candlestick. It's good to have multi-purpose items around in case of emergencies.

Libra (9.23-10.22)
With Venus in your House of Partnerships, your romantic and social life will bloom. Communication is key. Tell people what you want. Annie Wilkes wasn't shy about her feelings. She expressed them with a sledgehammer.

Scorpio (10.23-11.21)
Oh, Scorpio. We know you're salivating thinking "which weapon? which weapon". I don't mean to be perverse but you already have a whole arsenal --you don't need my help. Better that you practice kindness, discipline, and gratitude this week.

Sagittarius (11.22-12.21)
This week is all about pleasure. Yours. Hang on (not too tightly) This week may surprise you. If an acquaintance causes you trouble (and they just might) don't bother with reciprocal name calling ...sticks and stones work better anyway.

Capricorn (12.22-1.19)
Someone in your life needs that generous protective side so don't hold back. Provide it. As for larger issues, rethink your strategies. The Sun and Mercury in Taurus will be helping you get results. You know what else gets results? Guns.

Aquarius (1.20-2.18)
Your patience has been wearing thin lately. Time to blow off steam or just let it go. Use your vaunted imagination to liven things up (especially this weekend) and folks you're with will feel extra playful. Play with fire.

Pisces (2.19-3.20)
Time to raise your expectations of others (be pickier) and yourself (focus on your appearance --think "hot" no matter how lukewarm you feel). The stars are shining on you. Truly. They want your surfaces reflective. Knife, very sharp.

Wish me good luck at next year's Oscars. Peace and love to all...well, to most. *ahem* Share these horoscopes with those in need. You can even e-mail or link below. I am a movie star and I'm all about blessing your little lives however I can.

Bye fans!

tags: Annette Bening, movies, celebrities, horoscope, zodiac, Hilary Swank, Warren Beatty, Shirley Maclaine

42 comments:

JavierAG said...

Poison... yummy.

Cal said...

Wickedly funny, although any jokes at the expense of H. Skank will reel me in.

Caleb Roth said...

I root so hard for Swank and I am against that actress that keeps playing the same role (bitchy diva), but that article was very very funny. Very funny. Great. Very great.

- cal roth

Josh T said...

Did I seriously just hear someone say that they prefer Swank to Bening? My jaw has dropped to an unprecedented low.

Ryan said...

That was a delicious treat- Laugh out loud funny to say the least. I find Annette not only be a radiant and talented actress but a fine person as well. So glad she finally has a Globe (and FB Award) on her mantel. Anyway, the author of that entry is a genius.

*As for the matter of Being vs. Swank well, and I think even Nathaniel would agree on this, the performance Swank gave in 1999 was a rare powerhouse- Although Bening is a FAR better actress in general and did deserve the Oscar in 2004.

Kamikaze Camel said...

If I were in the Academy I would've given Swank the gold in 1999, but 2004? NO WAY. She shouldn't have even been nominated. But actually, looking back on it I find myself prefering Annette's American Beauty performance. Hilary's deserved the Oscar but Annette's makes me laugh every time (in a very rewatchable movie, so that's probably helps).

I want Annette and Warren over for tea.

NATHANIEL R said...

i'm fine with Swank winning in 99 yes. She's the least of the nominees in 04 so it's beyond excessive to give her a second one.

If I ruled the world Annette would have 1 gold (Being Julia) 1 silver (Grifters) and 1 bronze (American Beauty)

Anonymous said...

My picks:

1999
1 Hilary Swank, 2 Kate Winslet, 3 Janet McTeer, 4 Annette Bening, 5 Reese Witherspoon

2004
1 Annette Bening, 2 Imelda Staunton, 3 Julie Delpy, 4 Catalina Sandino Moreno, 5 Kate Winslet
NB: I'd be checking in with Uma (KBV2) and Nicole (twice) before I got around to thinking about Swank that year. Good though I thought she was. But "good" isn't, er, good enough.

Rob

NATHANIEL R said...

1990 supporting actress
gold -uma, henry & june
silver -annette, the grifters
bronze (undecided)

1999 lead actress
gold -winslet, holy smoke!
silver -swank, boys don't cry
bronze -annette, american beauty

2004
1. Bening, being julia
2. Staunton, vera drake
3. Winslet, eternal sunshine
4. Kidman, birth
5. Delpy, before sunset
6. Thurman, kill bill vol. 2
7. Moreno, maria full of grace
8. Collette, japanese story
9 (tie) Roberts & Portman, closer

so yeah. Swank not in top 10 (top 15 sure. But that's not good enough for a statue)

Ryan said...

FILM BITCH AWARDS! One of my favorite teats.

Thurman scored the gold in 1990- hmm. Interesting.

*Question for his cinematic holiness (aka NATHANIEL)
- I'm dying to know who took home the gold in 1995; Sarandon or Shue? You posted them in the retro section but I can't tell for sure who got the gold. (Or I may just be in denial about Shue only getting the silver)

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure 1995 was a Holy Julianne Moore (Safe) year, Ryan. If I've remembered correctly? Personally I'm 1 Shue, 2 Streep, 3 Sarandon, 4 Bates, 5 Stone that year.

Rob

NATHANIEL R said...

i go back and forth on 95. it's definitely MOORE and SHUE above all others (way above)

the only reason i go back and forth a lot is that i've seen SAFE a lot but i've only seen LLV twice and both times was in that year.... so my memory=fuzzy

Cal said...

I don't so much mind the '99 win. She was brilliant. But I felt Witherspoon and Winslet were better than her.

2004:
1. Staunton
2. Winslet
3. Thurman
4. Moreno
5. Delpy

So I have neither. But Bening was way better than Swank.

Ryan said...

So glad to see Shue is Gold or Silver. Seriously. Considering who decides the FILM BITCH Award Winners, I take them VERY seriously.

(My lineup for ’95)
1. Shue
2. Kidman
3. Moore
4. Sarandon
5. Stone

- It was agonizing to leave Streep out but Stone's "Fu*k- You!" match w/ Robert De Niro was unforgettable and something only she could pull off.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Ryan - I've had grief for my Stone/Casino love before now!

Rob

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