5 People That Could Save Lindsay Lohan From Herself

It's Lindsay Lohan Week

This is not a gossip blog but there is something about Lindsay Lohan that pulls me continually back into that particular realm of madness. I've been able to let go of infatuations for many celebrities who have disappointed. I've come to realize that the reason I can't let go of Lindsay is because the love comes from my deep film geekery rather than my shallow amusement with celebrity. The Parent Trap (the first one) was my favorite movie as a toddler and I cursed the remake everyday until I saw it... and lo and behold: There in La Lohan was a child actor as gifted as the young Hayley Mills, as enchanting as the young Natalie Wood, as seemingly smart as the young Jodie Foster. All was forgiven. As recently as Mean Girls it looked like she would become a charismatic movie star for the long haul. But then we lost her... to clubbing, thinspiration, cocaine binges, and the stupid girl phenomenon that's been plaguing pop culture for too many years now.

In a previous blog entry I tossed off a possibly insensitive note that Lindsay might be better off without the influence of her fame-obsessed mother Dina Lohan --she's but the latest face of the hydra monster known as the stage parent: From Mama Rose to Daddy Culkin this monster never dies... just gets new faces. So I apologize in advance: Here comes a whole post filled with insensitivity. I'm flippant about this because if I don't laugh, I'll cry.

Lindsay Lohan needs rescuing. But who should do it? Who can?

Could They Save Lindsay?

05 Jude Law
In last week's sordid tabloid epic Lindsay reportedly exited the coke frenzy proclaiming "I'll f*** Jude Law tomorrow". Hey Jude, f*** some sense into her while you're at it. If Lindsay must remain a complete fool maybe Jude could teach her how to balance the chaotic and messy personal life with a consistently Oscar worthy professional life. He obviously knows how.

04 Winona Ryder performing a one woman theatrical reenactment of Scared Straight
If Noni were a man we'd be hearing about her ups and downs (mostly downs) in the way the media faithfully tracked every single step in the Robert Downey Jr evolution from gifted young actor to drug mess to addict in recovery to convict to working still-gifted actor to insureable at last (hello Iron Man). But Winona Ryder is a woman and therefore, once the novelty of "bad girl" status had worn itself out, everyone looked politely away. Nowadays when we see the once queen of Young Hollywood we register surprise. Oh yeah, Winona. Remember her? I'm not suggesting that Winona is in a place where she could help others but surely she is an example to be studied by young starlets who think they'll be employable, respected and beloved forever. Who else in the last two decades has fallen as quickly and irrevocably away from the dizzying heights of A list status.

03 Jesus
I love Jesus as much as anyone but I can't really recommend this as the safest recovery option. Those he saves seem to instantly forget and even disdain his peaceful 'live and let live' messaging in favor of war mongering and bigotry. So... Lindsay if you find Jesus be careful! He's awesome but he is not a substitute for rehab. Whitney Houston was, by her own admission, using him instead of seeking treatment and there's lots of filmic evidence that that wasn't a smart move. I think with Jesus you have to supplement. What's that saying? 'The Lord helps those who help themselves.' Also Lindsay was clearly meant for bigger things than Lisa Whelchel and Kirk Cameron.

02 Drew Barrymore
If we've ever seen an example of a wildchild starlet overcoming a turbulent descent with screen mojo firmly intact, it's Drew Barrymore. She's clearly an exception to every rule. May Lindsay get her on speed dial pronto.

01 Lindsay Lohan
That's right. In the end the only person who can save you is yourself. Here's to Lindsay taking a good long look in the mirror, forgiving herself, cleaning up and getting back to work.
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