A History of... Missions: Impossible

1986 Agent John Q Public. Your mission should you choose to accept it. Enjoy Tom Cruise playing some sort of elf boy in a fantasy epic 14 years before Lord of the Rings makes those cool.

[Status: Mission initially rejected by Agent.Top Gun rushed into theaters. Agent John Q reconsiders mission. Tom Cruise then thoroughly enjoyed by agent. Agent agrees to purchase tickets to all future Cruise flicks, no matter how god awful they may be. Mission: Accomplished. Case file closed.]

1987 Agent Mimi Rogers. Your mission should you choose to accept it: Marry Tom Cruise and live with him for many years providing Agent John Q Public soothing belief that favorite movie star is normal, well adjusted, and heterosexual.

[Status: Mission initially accepted. Former Agent Rogers failed to complete her mission returning her top-secret dossier in 1990. Also violated contract to never speak ill of him in public. Believed to be currently operating as a frequently nude rogue agent. Should be considered extremely dangerous if ever fully embraced by Agent John Q Public. Case file dormant]

1990 Agent Nicole Kidman. Your mission should you choose to accept it? Marry Tom Cruise and live with him for many years providing Agent John Q Public soothing belief that favorite movie star is normal, well adjusted, and heterosexual. Provide children. Join Scientology.

[Status: Mission considered accomplished despite incomplete nature. Has agreed to maintain vow of silence. Agent Kidman is also recommended for future impossible missions. Has shown extreme stamina, laser focus, Agent Cruise-like levels of both ambition and sparkly star wattage. She is also widely believed to have maintained admirable exemplary composure throughout the demanding mission. Recommend minor ongoing surveillance --Agent John Q Public far too attached --could still corrupt original Cruise-loving mission. Case file: Dormant.]

2001 Agent Penelope Cruz. Your mission should you choose to accept it? Marry Tom Cruise and live with him for many years providing Agent John Q Public soothing belief that favorite movie star is normal, well adjusted, and heterosexual. Provide children. Join Scientology.

[Status: Mission is believed to have been accepted (translator sought). Agent Cruz fired after unfortunate encounter with higher ranking agent John Q Public. Relieved of all Cruise-related duties. Last seen in arms of blonde movie actor. Case file: Recommend closure. Agent Cruz harmless, insignifant.]

2005-present Agent John Q Public. Your mission should you choose to accept it: Continue to enjoy Tom Cruise and believe him to be sound in the head and a national heterosexual hero. Believe that Matt Lauer is glib, Brooke Shields is a dangerous woman, and Tom is deeply in love with Katie "Kate" Holmes and she is in no danger of brainwashing or loss of former identity.

[Status of Mission: Agent John Q Public has been seen exhibiting formerly unseen behaviors including gossip and disrespect. Was overheard using the words "Xenu", "TomKat" and "batshit crazy". Said Agent has not formerly accepted mission and is still watching The Today Show (!). Mission is uncertain but Agent John Q is believed to have expressed interest in seeing Mission: Impossible 3 anyway. Years of training will kick in on Friday. Case file: Open. Highly Active]

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Previous Histories...
Dakota Fanning *Bunny Rabbits * Sharon Stone * Jodie Foster *Gender Bending * Bald Women * Sarah Jessica Parker * Gay Cowboys * Julianne Moore's Screen Kids * Gyllenhaal

tags: Nicole Kidman, Mimi Rogers, Tom Cruise, movies, celebrities, Tomkat, gossip, Scientology, Katie Holmes,