Live Blogging ~ The Oscar Arrivals

6:04 PM Inauspicious beginnings: I turn on the television and who is E! Entertainment Television discussing? None other than my " favorite " actress Hilary Swank. I think it's safe to say that it's going to be a long night.

Already E!, the place to go for endless arrival footage, is pissing me off. They're referring to Ms. Swank as a "scene stealer". I know that none of them know anything about the movies -- Montage and mise en scene are furrin' words! But scene stealing is really easy to understand. You can't do it if you're the lead. The scene is already yours. People will try to steal it from you.

6:15 To get me through, I have invited my actual favorite actress to attend with me. This will hopefully get me easy access to the arriving stars... I slip in under the cover of one of their own.

6:28 Amy Ryan looks nothing like her character in Gone Baby Gone (she was only acting. Excuse me, ACTING! She's asked me to clarify the size of it). She's wearing an extremely safe fashion choice... navy blue assymetrical sheen dress but it's pretty.

6:30 Whatshername just introduced Ben Lyons as a "movie expert". If I get sick, I'll try not to heave on Pfeiffer's gown... I'll aim for Swanks.

6:44 La Pfeiffer here. I believe that Heidi Klum's hair piece is a tribute to my work as Velma Von Tussle in Hairspray. There is definitely room in the bun for a bomb of some sort to interrupt live television broadcasts that have spiralled out of control Plus: red dress. Which, you know, is my best color. Other than black.

I'm so disappointed in how little Armani I'm seeing!

6:46 Wasn't it Deborah Harry who had the bomb in her--oh never mind. I love you. Even when you're wrong. Which you aren't, kiss kiss.

6:47 George Clooney is ridiculously handsome. His girlfriend could be his daughter, though. Not that he's not aging well. But still. I guess he truly is old school Hollywood. In every way. Speaking of young girls. They showed a very brief glimpse of Saoirse Ronan who was wearing a great and unusual color for the red carpet: aqua I believe. Anne Hathaway is wearing fire engine red. And they're talking about the fact that she always embraces her own coloring. (i.e. white as a ghost... or Tilda Swinton) This is the type of thing that E! reporters are allowed to discuss under my decree.

6:59 You were just name checked in a Clooney discussion, babe

7:01 Yes yes. He will be a groom soon. I shall win the bet.

7:07 Ryan Seacrest can't resist flirting with every male celebrity. As a gay man I should probably find that hot but instead it makes me ...[>gulp<] where's Swank?

7:13 I absolutely approve of all of the basic black and fire engine red and solids. Everyone has chosen form fitting one color dresses. Classic. Basic. If it can't be Armani at least it's Armani like!

7:14 Zzzzzzz. zzzz. Huh what...? Oh, um...

7:16 It's so cute that Amy Adams brought a doll of Giselle to the red carpet. Amy Adams is trying to climb to the peak of the cute charts. But baby kittens are not ready to give up the #1 position.

correction: apparently Seacrest foisted the doll upon her!
7:19 Gary Busey just totally jumped on a clearly alarmed Jennifer Garner with his hands and lips. I'm not making this up. Also: Jennifer didn't know who he was. Oh, Jen. Where is Gary's parole officer when you need him? Where is Ben Affleck come to think of it? Trust the Lovely Laura Linney to pull Jennifer away. The boyfriend and I are laughing because Laura Linney was obviously explaining All About Busey as they moved away.

The Lovely Laura Linney will explain it all.

7:21 Helen Mirren in da houze! Woot


Although... shouldn't they keep her away from poles? That babe gets frisky. She is really funny when Seacrest interviews her. Keri Russell and Jessica Alba were not. They couldn't form an interesting sentence between them. I mean sentences were formed. But what was said? He even gave Keri a great opportunity to adlib and she just went blank.

7: 36 I don't know where the last few minutes went at all... It's all one mass of black tuxes and black dresses. TILDA SAVE US ALL. WHERE ARE U?

7:37 Hilary Swank has arrived. Also in black. It's so irrational but I look at her and I just hate. It comes so naturally. The flames. Breathing. On the side of my face. I just... she just...

7:38 Is she your Jessica Tandy? Because that old bi --


7: 42 I am very sad to report that Tilda Swinton has arrived and she is wearing...

BLACK

woe is me. No fashions to truly engage with tonight. Unless you count Marion Cotillard's mermaid dress. Which I'd rather not. At least on first impression. Although Marion did say she was having a very "eunuch" experience. Which made us laugh our asses off. What exactly would a eunuch experience at the Oscars be?

Maybe she was planning a biopic of Ryan Seacrest as he interviewed her?

7:47 Now they're discussing fashion and not interviewing people which means it's time to change the channel. And start a new post.

Part 2 More Arrivals and 1st Third of Show
Part 3 -I run out of steam channeling all my energies into the good fight against default biopic wins --I'm bested again ARGH
Part 4 -prediction stats