Pet Peeves and Dishonors

Year in Review: Part 2 of 5

I had to stretch to find unworthy characters for my 2008 Cinematic Hall of Shame list. I skipped most of those movies you might find below 30% on the tomatometer for example. But I found a few things to poke a stick at nonetheless. Read it and weep.

<-- That's better! Stop Edward's pervy staring and Bella's endless moping and Twilight immediately becomes more bearable.

[pet peeve tangent] I really hate the Twilight logo. On its on it's totally attractive/cute but how does it properly represent the book/movie? What is that dangling curlicue g for anyway? It makes the property look fanciful/playful not mopey/romantic. It suggests nothing so much as the dangling lightning bolt "P" in the book/movie the media loves to compare Twilight too. Yes, it screams 'You'll like this as much as you like Harry Potter! We hope!!!' Aside from moody teenagers what do those franchises really have in common anyway in terms of temperament? [/tangent]

On the Hall of Shame page, you'll find that one of the normal fields (the pet peeves chart) is empty this year. I'm going to let you fill it out. Load up these comments with minor moments, characters, films, thingamajigs, trends and whatever that you found most annoying in 2008 movies and I'll fill in the chart with some of the best ones. Type a name (quit going "anonymous") and you'll get credit on the page if I use it.
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Recycled Experience: Rowlumbisitis

Since I am still indisposed I thought it might be a good time to revisit a post on Chronicles of Narnia. It's timely given Prince Caspian's solid but unspectacular box office debut and also the return of another nostalgia-heavy George Lucas effort in the form of one Indiana Jones... (still a question mark though early for-nostalgia-only grumblings have been heard) This was originally published in April '06 but I've updated the links. The disease continues to spread.

You may recall that when Chronicles of Narnia came out I said barely a word or two about it. To me it was Insom[Nar]nia. Too inconsequential, pedestrian, and fluffy to think on for more than the time it took the credits to roll. It was infected with the dread "rowlumbusitis" ... a disease that infects family movies based on blockbuster books, Broadway musicals based on movies, movies based on Broadway Musicals, movies based on previous movies in a franchise, and Movies based on TV Series.

Reader: Hmmm. I have never heard of this disease. What are the symptoms -- Can I catch it?
Dr. Nathaniel: Inquisitive reader, take note: You can only catch this disease if you are in a creative field and you are naturally lazy or possessed of meager talent. The most common symptom is the cutting of corners when transferring beloved object A into new medium B or slavish dull recreation of object A with B's new toys or trends. This disease is HIGHLY contagious. It can render you inept or artless and, still, no one will ever punish you or cry for intervention or ask you to seek treatment. Object A is so well known that everyone will give you money for it in Medium B. Their pre-existent affection fills in any blanks in your transfer. A person so infected can work forever without anyone catching wise.

Reader: Is the disease mutating? Can it be stopped?
Dr. Nathaniel: It is not mutating. It's pretty basic and easy to spot. Although there is a sister strand called "lucaslucasitis" that primarily results in intense self-plagiarism and navel gazing, followed by a complete disregard for what made the belly worth looking at in the first place. Like an amnesiac masturbator.

'Can the disease be stopped?' I'm sorry to report that the prospects look dim.


Reader: I would hate to be a doctor. Seriously, can you enjoy anything without seeing sickness everywhere?
Dr. Nathaniel: Sure. Take Tilda Swinton --she swings a mean sword as The White Witch, now, doesn't she?
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Now Playing: Chronicles of Blah-nia and the Year's Best Film (So Far)

T H E * M U S T * S E E
Reprise, from debuting writer/director Joachim Trier, was Norway's submission for Academy foreign-language film consideration back in 2006. Oscar had dozens upon dozens of films to choose from but when they eventually narrowed it down to five nominees, they ignored the two best ones (of those I've seen mind you --haven't seen all 61) Pedro Almodóvar's Volver [prev posts] and this one right here. Argh!

Reprise is about two best friends (and their larger social circle) in their early 20s who both hope to become famous novelists. When success does hit, they react in quite different ways. The film is passionately rendered, adventurous in its editing and structure, convincing in its performances (most of the cast are non-professionals. You wouldn't guess it from the results), sad and funny in equal measure. So yes, the Oscars ignored it but now that it's finally here in the US, we hope that smart moviegoers won't. I'll have a podcast up about it tomorrow in time for Norway's national holiday, Syttende Mai.

M O R E * L I M I T E D * R E L E A S E S
Sangre de mi Sangre used to be called Padre Nuesto and, as such, was a Sundance winner. The film is about an immigrant coming to NYC to see his father, a thief who steals his identity and a prostitute. You gotta have the prostitute.
Turn The River, arrives in LA and I keep talking about it because no one else is yet. Awards Daily (everyone's fav Oscar site) really ought to have Famke Janssen under their Best Actress column. I mean, if Chiwetel Ejiofor gets to be up under Best Actor for Red Belt... throw the delicious hard-working Dutch girl up there, too. Play fair. Pretty please. [Previously: Famke Janssen interview]

W I D E
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian Perhaps it's not fair to assume that #2 will be as uninspired and where-is-Peter-Jackson- when-you-need-him? bland as the first one but that's what I'm assuming --especially since my friend Rob said as much in his review. But I haven't yet seen it so that's all I got for now. I know the first one was a massive hit but it bugs me when Hollywood doesn't even try to counter-program or fight for an opening weekend. It's like all the other studios just gave up en masse 'Narnia is too powerful! We bow dow before the power of CGI Christ Lion and Tilda Swinton (yes, despite her denials to the contrary she does appear). We got nothing.' Strange isn't it? I mean, even Iron Man had brave competitors to crush on his opening weekend.

What will you be seeing this weekend? Or maybe you're staying home to watch DVDs?
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Microwaved Comic Con Bites

Some random bits to wrap up last weekend's "adventure" and I use the term lightly. If you missed anything we already talked about super women as cheap whores, The Incredible Hulk's collateral damage and enticing Wall•E footage.


* The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian panel didn't skimp on the film's stars but it did skimp on footage. We were shown only the trailer, twice...not that it mattered. The only way to watch it if you hope to suss out anything about how anybody looks or what's happening is to watch it on your PC or Mac and pause it every third frame. Edited with a blender it is although I always appreciate a good shot of a centaur. William Moseley who plays the big ego'ed Peter Pevensie (currently King of Narnia right? I barely remember that movie) is either a total natural or he's been very well groomed for the job of talking about headlining movies. He looked completely comfortable, was well spoken, and he even jumped up from his seat to hug a needy fan. I'm actually surprised he wasn't trampled to death by stampeding horny fangirls after that one. Peter Dinklage was also in top soundbite form.


And the poster doesn't lie. Prince Caspian (aka Ben Barnes) is this gorgeous in real life. If that's possible. Well done Mr & Mrs. Barnes. The Q & A with the fans was hilarious. There's obviously going to be a lot of slash fanfic about Peter and Caspian's "rivalry" --almost every question seemed to circle back to their boys-to-men tussling.

* Lightsaber toy technology has really come a long way. When I was a kid they were like huge plastic fake looking things that vaguely lit up. This was back in the mesozoic era.

* Why would anyone... and I do mean anyone... want a miniature sculpture of the vampires from 30 Days of Night? It comes complete with severed body parts and heads strewn about their feet. I mean it's totally gross AND the movie was terrible. Terrible. T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E. I'm still mad about how inept that movie was considering the strong concept it sprung from. In truth I don't understand a lot of merchandise for movies. Although I deeply covet that Fargo snow globe from the 90s. And though I can't imagine springing for a life size anime statue of Princess Leia (previous post), I understand it. I mean, if I could buy a lifesize reclining Michelle Pfeiffer to keep on top of the piano, money would be no object (except for the piano part. How much $ do grands go for these days?)

* I love it when 'superheroes' seem totally bored.


You never see that in the movies and fighting evil probably gets old. All work being drudgery and whatnot.

* The much buzzed about unscheduled screening of a new The Dark Knight trailer was not as exciting as you've read elsewhere. It's a commercial for crying out loud and we've already seen a couple. I'm not trying to be the cranky hard-to-please type . I totally feel the thrill of the first teasers of anything... but once you've seen several clips and you're on the second full trailer? calm down! It's basically a lot of the same footage as the first trailer, remixed, with more about the plot thrown in (Ledger's Joker convincing crime bosses to kill Batman). There's also more Maggie Gyllenhaal as Rachel Dawes and the strong hint that she might be dying, or at least dropped like some Green Goblin/Gwen Stacey well-worn hero's nightmare. We also get our first moving images of Aaron Eckhart as Harvey Dent. People were excited: 'OMG a guy in a suit!' He does get to utter what will surely be an important underlined line o' dialogue (if I know my Christopher Nolan) and it goes a little something like this

You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

Have I mentioned I enjoy a little Eckhart?

* I went to one panel on fan-made films that was kind of fun. They talked about Green Goblin's Last Stand (made all the way back in 1992 for only $400. Pretty cool/funny for 1992 ... long before the days of YouTube), Iron Fist: The Dragon Unleashed and the brilliant mashup Run Leia Run. Apparently others have now ripped off this idea for newer films but it's awesome if you're a fan of the über fun German movie Run Lola Run starring the wonderful Franka Potente.

* Sometimes fan costumes border on the obscene.


Civilians.. they just don't wear cups.

* We saw the teaser to Will Eisner's The Spirit --hardly a scoop as it was on YouTube that very day and The Spirit panelists assembled including lovely Eva Mendes (for whom the crowd whooped and whistled) all kissed comic-legend-turned-director Frank Miller's (Sin City/300) ass with precision and purpose. But I'm not convinced. Now I turn you over to the blog Forces of Good who express their Spirit concerns with greater pinpoint comedy than I can muster.

And now I must take a break from the spandex & tights crowd.


Only a 10 day break mind you. Iron Man will be rocketing into box office history very soon. I shall gladly part with a little green for Tony Stark's hot rod red.
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Rowlumbusitis

You may recall that when Chronicles of Narnia came out I said barely a word or two about it. To me it was Insom[Nar]nia. Too inconsequential, pedestrian, and fluffy to think on for more than the time it took the credits to roll. It was infected with the dread "rowlumbusitis" ... a disease that infects family movies based on blockbuster books, Broadway musicals based on movies, movies based on Broadway Musicals, and Movies based on TV Series.

Reader: Hmmm. I have never heard of this disease. What are the symptoms -- Can I catch it?
Dr. Nathaniel: Inquisitive reader, take note: You can only catch this disease if you are in a creative field and you are naturally lazy or possessed of meager talent. The most common symptom is the cutting of corners when transferring beloved object A into new medium B or slavish dull recreation of object A with B's new toys. This disease is HIGHLY contagious. It can render you completely inept and, still, no one will ever punish you or cry for intervention or ask you to seek treatment. Object A is so well known that everyone will give you money for it in Medium B. Their pre-existent affection fills in any blanks in your mediocre transfer. A person so infected can work forever without anyone catching wise.

Reader: Is the disease mutating? Can it be stopped?
Dr. Nathaniel: It is not mutating. It's pretty basic and easy to spot. Although there is a sister strand called "lucaslucasitis" that primarily results in intense self-plagiarism and navel gazing, followed by a complete disregard for what made the belly worth looking at in the first place. Like an amnesiac masturbator.

Can the disease be stopped? I'm sorry to report that the prospects look dim.

Reader: I would hate to be a doctor. Seriously, can you enjoy anything without seeing sickness everywhere?
Dr. Nathaniel: Sure. Take Tilda Swinton --she swings a mean sword as The White Witch, now, doesn't she?

Aslan Comes Out

Before Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith on Friday night all of the teasers & trailers for wannabe blockbusters were popping off the screen.

Batman Begins
Can't wait.

Fantastic 4
Yes, it still looks like bad.

The Island
The first teaser (linked above) is much more effective than the new trailer in theaters. The trailer here gives you a small idea of the storyline. The trailer in theaters is a mess. All explosions and no discernable idea of what they're trying to sell. No applause in the theater despite the very applaudable pairing of Ewan 'lightsaber' MacGregor and Scarlett 'pink panties' Johansson. They even get horizontal in the trailer. I give that a standing ovation, personally. I don't know what was wrong with the crowd in my theater.

The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe
LotR fever strikes studios. This is an obvious attempt to deliver the next big multi-film classic fantasy book adaptation at holiday time. I am a bit surprised that they let Aslan out of the bag this soon, visually. (Though I can't find this trailer online yet) Perhaps I'm overstating. How many ways can a lion look exactly? Maybe they never planned on keeping him hidden. At any rate, you'd think they'd save him for the trailer a month before the actual premiere. My favorite image in the trailer is the brief glimpse of Tilda Swinton as the Snow Queen. Perfect casting.

Mr. & Mrs. Smith
This trailer sells explosions and mayhem. But it's Jolie and Pitt both on fleshy display that caused the explosion amongst the audience.