"There's a name for you ladies..."

"...but it isn't used in high society outside of a kennel."

[Great Moments in Screen Bitchery #40, Joan Crawford The Women]

Exercise with Roz

"Up Over, Up Down, Up and Stretch, Up Together, Up Down..."


Exercise is good for you. So why do some of us (ok, me) hate it so...? "No more 'up', this has got me down"

Pet Peeves and Dishonors

Year in Review: Part 2 of 5

I had to stretch to find unworthy characters for my 2008 Cinematic Hall of Shame list. I skipped most of those movies you might find below 30% on the tomatometer for example. But I found a few things to poke a stick at nonetheless. Read it and weep.

<-- That's better! Stop Edward's pervy staring and Bella's endless moping and Twilight immediately becomes more bearable.

[pet peeve tangent] I really hate the Twilight logo. On its on it's totally attractive/cute but how does it properly represent the book/movie? What is that dangling curlicue g for anyway? It makes the property look fanciful/playful not mopey/romantic. It suggests nothing so much as the dangling lightning bolt "P" in the book/movie the media loves to compare Twilight too. Yes, it screams 'You'll like this as much as you like Harry Potter! We hope!!!' Aside from moody teenagers what do those franchises really have in common anyway in terms of temperament? [/tangent]

On the Hall of Shame page, you'll find that one of the normal fields (the pet peeves chart) is empty this year. I'm going to let you fill it out. Load up these comments with minor moments, characters, films, thingamajigs, trends and whatever that you found most annoying in 2008 movies and I'll fill in the chart with some of the best ones. Type a name (quit going "anonymous") and you'll get credit on the page if I use it.
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Meg Ryan Wins Gold

And she's just as confused as you are as to why. I mean... in the year of The Women?


But hey, it's something for the mantle. Perhaps she'll place this cute little deer on her mantle betwixt those creepy glass entombed masks that are the American Comedy Awards? Horrifying but true: Meg hasn't even won a Golden Globe for Comedy. Yes The Evil One who stole Michelle Pfeiffer's Oscar also gold-blocked Meg in her one real shot at a major statue (for When Harry Met Sally). The Bambi is a German prize for entertainment figures and Meg won for "International Actress" -- We can't read German but we pray that it's a career prize rather than anything connected to her misguided effort to fill Norma Shearer's shoes this past September.

20:08 (The 40 Year-Old Bride)

Screenshots from the 20th minute and 8th second of films of 2008

and Caroline Herrerra... and Christian LaCroix... and DIOR [pictured] ... and Oscar de la Renta... and, finally, Vivienne Westwood.

Carrie Bradshaw, enduring pop culture clotheshorse and television's favorite neurotic single gal, enunciates each name carefully, as if not to wrinkle the dresses by blurting them out too forcefully or ripping a seam whilst stumbling over a jutting syllable.

<--- She's about to bust out that doubled-over / elbows out pose that's so popular on reality show modeling competitions. A pose that judges will invariably call "editorial" or "high fashion" and never once "derivative" even though people have been doing it since at least the days of Kristin McNemany and Linda Evangelista (and probably well before that)

Designers are namechecked a lot in the world of Sex & the City but in this particular scene it's appropriate since it is a fashion shoot. Our Carrie Bradshaw (the ever divisive Sarah Jessica Parker) is Vogue's bridal cover girl. Quite a coup. Unbeknownst to Carrie, this cover spectacle will ... well, it will cause P-L-O-T to happen. And it's about time since we're 20 minutes into the movie.

I kid. I love the movie... though I realize it's not so much a movie as a chance to reconnect with the girls. After watching the very awkward remake of The Women (2008) I became even more convinced that Sex & the City for all it's "now" appeal, is actually a worthy homage to girlie movies of yore. It even breaks for fashion shows just like the old black and whites used to. Sex & the City gets dinged often for being materialistic and shallow. The former charge applies, the latter does not. Carrie especially has been confronted with her own materialism and other less-than-desirable traits throughout the series. The actress and scripts have never shied away from her complexities or from investigating the shallower or, to be more generous, the fluffier pockets of her personality.


Most economic porn movies -- which is to say most movies -- including The Women never look deeply at their character's finances. Shopping sprees are rarely seen as anything other than triumphant and nobody would ever be forced to confront that they were living way beyond their means (as Carrie was during the course of Sex and the City). Now, that's shallow and materialistic, to continually glorify consumer culture and never once have to foot the bill. Everybody in television and the movies has apartments and wardrobes that they could never afford in real life -- I was giggling just last night that I was supposed to find Ugly Betty's spacious new Manhattan apartment (with big windows!) a horror. If I didn't already love my apartment I would've taken over her lease in a heartbeat.
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Must Read

Thanks to Lazy Circles for pointing me to this. "Diane Keaton" attacks 2008's The Women in Seattle magazine The Stranger.

You know the Meg Ryan character? The one who spent her whole life trying to be everything to everybody but somehow somebody is always disappointed? That's like if my entire oeuvre mated with itself and gave birth to a mega-me

It's funnier than the movie ... and shorter.

Meg x 4

The new version of The Women is about to open and "update" that classic 30s catfight. I'm holding my breath and potentially my nose. We'll see. But while we're here I thought we should travel back in time to a moment when few people inexplicably hated on Meg Ryan. She was once as loved as Julia or Sandra ... neither of whom were ever so roundly despised once they were past their prime. Pundits often cite Meg's affair with Russell Crowe as her public/media/career downfall and though we agree that sleeping with Crowe is disgusting when you could be snuggled up to Dennis Quaid, how is that a valid explanation for the 180º public/media response. What is this, the 1950s?


These are my four favorite performances of her career...1. Sally in When Harry Met Sally (1989) and 2. Alice Green in When a Man Loves a Woman (1994) ...her two arguably most acclaimed performances happened within weak years for Oscar's Best Actress race so the Academy was way ahead of the public in giving Meg the cold shoulder. Is that something to be proud of in these two particular cases? 3. I barely remember Joe vs. The Volcano (1990) having only seen it once in 92 or 93 but I still remember that I loved Meg's teensy monologue about everybody being asleep and that I dug her hat trick (3 performances in 1 movie) 4. Addicted to Love (1997) came a couple of years past her last hurrah as romantic comedy gold but I personally loved her kohl rimmed eyes and slightly harder edged version of MEG. I could just as easily have chosen her spirited supporting wife role in Top Gun for this fourspot but another trip back to 1986 is too much movie nostalgia for even me.

Meg demonstrating her inescapable favorite pose from the 1980s and 1990s. Examples are infinite [photo source]

Meg Nostalgia. Will that be necessary for The [new] Women to play at all?
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Women on the Verge of a Hyperbolic Breakdown

At the annual "Women in Film Awards" which took place a week ago today, they give awards to movies that nobody has seen yet. Australia's cinematographer Mandy Walker was honored with the "Kodak Vision Award". The Women (2008 remake) was honored. It's like that stupid MTV 'best summer movie' prize. Why not just call it "best hype!". Other honorees: Sherry Lansing, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Sydney Pollack, and Salma Hayek. Finally, Ginnifer Goodwin (yay!) won "Face of the Future" accompanied by Chris Klein who looks a little drunk in this photo (I'm just sayin').

Speaking of drunk I'm not saying Jada Pinkett Smith is drunk at this event's press rounds featuring The Women (2008 remake) but if she's not tossing a few back she's definitely tossing a few out... adjectives and blurb whore quotes that is. Debra Messing is "insanely funny", The Bening is "outrageous" the entire cast is "very specific".


Hmmm... that last one probably won't go on posters, Jada. But to be fair, Debra Messing has more trouble going the earnest route for her sound byte.
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88 Lines About 44 Women

Or, to be slightly more accurate... "37 lines about 7 women" Below you'll find the trailer for the Picturehouse release The Women. Y'all know I'm dying waiting, breathless in anticipation. Not because I approve of remakes of classics, because I dont. Not because I think anyone can measure up to the triple threat of Norma Shearer, Rosalind Russell and Joan Crawford from the original, because I don't. Not for any other reasons than these:

1. I think Meg Ryan deserves a fairer shake at a comeback.   
2. I am gaga for The Bening (duh!) 
3. I love films about women. Don't care that the larger world doesn't... or that each new smash female-centric film (Juno, Enchanted, Sex & The City) is treated as a fluke even though they've all happened in the last 8 months. Don't care! Love my actresses. 

As for the actual trailer. It looks a bit, um, frantic... but I already know that Annette Bening will rule all. Not that this a particularly risky prediction, because it isn't.

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We Can't Wait #14 The Women

Directed by Diane English (Murphy Brown) her feature debut
Starring The Bening (excuse me, who else matters?)
Synopsis A married woman, her husbands mistress, and their catty group of friends get into it
Brought to you by Picturehouse + years and years of development (i.e. casting rumors for decades)
Expected Release Date October 16th, 2008

Nathaniel: Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither was the remake of this classic 30s melodramedy (word?) which has been on Hollywood's "to do" list for at least ten years. Wasn't it going to be Meg Ryan vs. Julia Roberts in the mid 90s? The original film was a hilarious rewatchable chatfest among a group of women including a betrayed wife (Norma Shearer -yes!) and the vamp stealing her husband away (Joan Crawford -"boo hiss" in the good way) and their various friends and frenemies. The big cast was a "who's who" of 1930s cinema, women only! If you need a modern comparison you'll have to think of the very retro French musical comedy 8 Women by François Ozon. Will the remake spoil the fun by throwing a man or two in front of the camera? Let's hope not.


Norma Shearer = Meg Ryan
Rosalind Russell = Annette Bening
Joan Crawford = Eva Mendes
Paulette Godard =Jada Pinkett-Smith
Mary Boland = Bette Midler
Phyllis Povah = Debra Messing
Florence Nash = Carrie Fisher
Joan Fontaine, Marjorie Main, Ruth Hussey = somebody somebody and somebody, maybe Cloris Leachman, Candice Bergen, and Debi Mazar?

The list goes on. I just threw up a little from all the blasphemy. And then got excited again from the actressing. HELP ME!

Gabriel: I watched the original again the other day -- it seems to be on Turner Classic Movies every weekend (must be very popular) -- and was struck by three major thoughts regarding the remake (which I'm very excited about). First was the matchup you didn't list among your original-to-now comparisons, the directors: George Cukor = Diane English. Cukor was a living legend and one of the art form's best; English has never directed in Hollywood, and is best known for a long-dead sitcom (Murphy Brown). While that's not to say that she can't do this piece, it makes me nervous... especially when you consider the screen-time balancing act that Cukor pulled off.

The second thought: the original hinges upon the luminous freshness of Norma Shearer, who in my opinion makes the entire piece work by covering fragile plot points with bravura acting. Can Meg Ryan do to the same? Has she ever been that kind of actress in the first place? (And does anyone still think of her as a big star? I don't see even a moderate hit on her resume since Kate and Leopold seven years ago, and she had Hugh Jackman doing the heavy lifting for her there.)


My last thought: it's a little dated. I'm not saying vicious divorces don't happen in 2008, or that circles of friends don't still sometimes turn into circular firing squads. But as dramatic fodder, the idea of women clawing nastily and fighting over their philandering husbands hasn't been a part of mainstream entertainment since Dynasty, and even then it was barely-concealed camp and soap opera. Can The Women make divorce fun again?

Joe: Box-office-wise, I agree with Gabriel that this is going to be a tough sell, but I'm holding out hope that Meg Ryan still has that orgasm-faking stuff when it comes to comedy. In truth, my reservations for this film have reservations, I'm that concerned. The cast seems like such a hodgepodge -- I love the colorblind casting but wish it wasn't Eva Mendes and Jada Pinkett-Xenu specifically. I've seen nothing out of them in their careers that suggests they can pull this kind of comedy off. Weirdly, besides Annette Bening and Bette Midler (who is all but guaranteed a "Best Performance By A Drag Queen" nomination next year), the one person who I think fits the material best is Debra Messing. I wish Diane English well, but I can more easily see this becoming a disaster than a success.

MaryAnn: Oh, god, this is more on my "dreading" list than my "psyched for" one. Debra Messing *and* Meg Ryan in the same movie? Just shoot me now.

Nathaniel: The Bening is not enough to compensate? The Bening will not be pleased to hear this.

MaryAnn: I love the Bening, and I actually think Mendes has a lot of talent and charisma that has not been fully tapped yet. But Messing is like chalk on a board to me.

Glenn: I'm more excited for The Women BECAUSE it seems like such a high-wire act. That cast IS a hodgepodge (although any chance to see Jada Pinkett-Smith and Debi Mazar on screen, I'll take), the director IS untested and so on. I, unlike the rest of you guys it seems, have not seen the original film that this is based on - cry for me, Argentina, it's not out on DVD here - but the prospect of this movie succeeding is enough to make me excited than the more likely notion that it will fail.

Nathaniel: Divided opinions about its ticket-selling potential and the cast.

This one's for the readers: Do you consider this blasphemy? And if so are you just anti-remake in general? Have you obeyed any of my many demands that you watch the original? And if not, what do I have to do to make you fall for the great Norma Shearer, the First Lady of MGM?

the countdown
#4 Milk / #5 Blindness / # 6 Doubt / #7 The Curious Case of Benjamin Button / #8 Revolutionary Road / #9 The Dark Knight / #10 Sex & The City: The Movie / #11 The Lovely Bones / #12 Wall-E / #13 Stop-Loss / #14 The Women / #15 Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince / Introduction / Orphans
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Meg Ryan Gets Lucky: Now Allowed to Stand Next to Annette Bening

<-- The photographic evidence!

I believe the two stars are in character here on the set of the remake of The Women (filming in Boston). How else to explain Meg's hideous wardrobe?

Still, how does that even explain it. Annette Bening is playing the quippy 'Sylvia Fowler' (Roz Russell in the original). Meg Ryan's got the plum lead 'Mrs. Stephen Haines' (Norma Shearer). Now Mrs. Haines wasn't quite as glam as her frenemies in the bitch goddess classic but she never would have been caught dead in this getup. The hair looks like an homage to Carrie Bradshaw (circa '98), the top is totally "Papa Don't Preach" (circa '86), and the skirt is (gasp) ankle length. It's very Big polygamist Love.

Is Mrs. Haines now a cosmo-sipping Madonna wannabe Mormon ?!?

There's no costume designer listed on the IMDB but maybe they're a fan of the original catfight classic and sabotaging it from within? At least they've got a sense of humor: please note the "jungle red" belt.

For those of you who have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, I think it's time you rented the 1939 movie, don't you? Because believe me: The Bening, a remake of one of my favorites, and an all female cast. You'll be hearing more about this one.
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20:07 ("Mrs. Stephen Haines")

Each morning a screenshot from the 20th minute and 7th second of a movie


The Roz: Stephen's a very attractive man, you know?
The First Lady of MGM: Isn't he? I can't imagine why he hasn't deserted me for some glamour girl long ago.

I've written about The Women before -- I love this flick. For those of you who haven't seen it in all its catty glory, enjoy this still. Ponder for a moment the 1939 fashion wackiness that led to Rosalind Russell's "eye" dress. Yes, those are eyes and eyebrows directly above her breasts.

#97 The Women

"Movies I Think About When I Think About the Movies"

If you ask any group of film buffs to name Hollywood's pinnacle year --it's "best year ever"-- chances are that "1939" will be uttered quickly and then argued about. That was the year that brought us Gone With the Wind, The Wizard of Oz, Ninotchka and at least a dozen other extremely beloved films. Also strutting around in theaters that year was a bitchy but endearing comedy/melodrama mix. The film's impressive star line up was headlined by Norma Shearer as Mrs Stephen Haines. She was orbited by stars of similar (or then just-lesser) stature: Rosalind Russell, Joan Crawford, Paulette Goddard and Joan Fontaine among them. Even with the mega-wattage and box office pull of the stars The Women bore the sexist, reductive tagline:

“It’s all about men!”

Not that it isn't about men, I must quickly add. Or at least women's ideas about the men in their lives. The drama and comedy in The Women comes from the way the gathered actresses fight over men, adore men, adjust themselves for men, connect themselves to men and sabotage each other --presumably also for men. What? You thought with Roz Russell and bitchtastic Joan Crawford in the mix that this wouldn't be catty?

Continue reading... for more on this starry 30s comedy.

Tags: movies, cinema, The Women, comedy women, film, Joan Crawford, Norma Shearer,MGM

Thursday Triple: Cross Eyed Divas

Disclaimer: Due to double surgeries as a child Demi Moore was declared ineligible for this honor. I'm sure she's inconsolable and crying on Ashton's shoulder. But doing so with perfectly balanced ocularity.

My three favorite cross-eyed movie stars:


I have to admit right up front that I don't really know that much about 70s cult goddess Karen Black, star of 117 films or so since her debut in 1960 including seminal titles Five Easy Pieces (1970), Nashville (1975), and Easy Rider (1969). But when you have a rock band named after you "The Voluptuous Horror of Karen Black" you are entitled to immediate props. Seriously, how many actresses can claim that? "Toto" wrote a song about Rosanna Arquette in the 80s but it's not like they retitled themselves. But back to Black. When you then opt to perform with said punk band? Double props. That's rather like Halle Berry showing up to claim her Razzie last year (the only "you gotta respect" move she ever made in my book).

Barbra Streisand I don't even have to explain, do I?

And then there is Mrs. Irving Thalberg, "The First Lady of MGM" herself Norma Shearer. Norma is one of those stars that time cruelly seems to have forgotten. Sure people remember The Women and her "Jungle Red!" climax. But the film is primarily a catty delicious ensemble and a great snapshot of who-was-who in 1939. Tis a pity because there's few 30s stars I'd more like to see experiencing a revival. I just watched The Divorcée(1930) in which she is also divine as a similarly wronged wife facing that typical 30s film dilemma: When your husband cheats do you embrace your inner modern woman and strike out or do you stand by your man like a good submissive wife? The role won her the Oscar.

You gotta respect a woman who was frequently written off as being opportunist (Joan Crawford on Shearer: "How can I compete with her? She sleeps with the boss!") but who acted up a storm, did big box office, and was opinionated to boot: On Gone With the Wind(1939) which she was offered: "Scarlett O'Hara is going to be a thankless and difficult role. The part I'd like to play is Rhett Butler." Love it. Shearer's retirement from movies was as sudden and final as Garbo's but just not as well timed for 'lost legend' status. After twenty-two years in the business, she married a man outside the industry who was 20 years her junior (*there's Demi weeping again. In even this she is bested*) and never worked again. I heart Norma. Show her some love. Put one of her movies on your Netflix queue.

The Women (1939)

The Women was not my first choice for this edition of Classic Movie of the Week, but after the wrist slashing / bottle o’ pills swallowing pathos of last week’s entry... I figured “geez, lighten up Nathaniel” So instead I’ve opted for a gem from what many consider to be the pinnacle year of Hollywood, 1939. That was the year that brought us Gone With the Wind, The Wizard of Oz, Ninotchka and at least a dozen other extremely beloved films. Also strutting around in theaters that year was this bitchy but endearing comedy/melodrama mix. The film's impressive line up was headlined by Norma Shearer as Mrs Stephen Haines. She was orbited by stars of similar (or then just-lesser) stature: Rosalind Russell, Joan Crawford, Paulette Godard, and Joan Fontaine among them. Even with the mega-wattage and box office pull delivered onscreen the film bore the sexist and reductive tagline: “It’s all about men!”

Not that it isn't about men, I must quickly add. Or at least women's ideas about the men in their lives. The film's drama and comedy comes from the way women fight over men, adore men, adjust themselves for men, connect themselves to men, and sabotage each other. What? You thought with Russell and Crawford in the mix that this wouldn't be catty? The film is often so feline that I remain surprised that director George Cukor opts to open on dogs barking rather than cats fighting as the first reel unspools. For those hoping for enlightened gender roles, this is not the film. Alas, not all the ideas promoted in the film about the way marriages crumble or survive are so dusty. Though bits of it may have aged unflatteringly, the movie has a sharp wit [why are 30s and 40s movies so funny and today's comedies so strained?] and though it's often cacophonous with the sounds of children, pets, and gossiping groups, a good sense of balance. Cukor knows when to shut off the noise and allow Norma Shearer's strong and dignified performance to hold the chaotic processions together. Improbably, she even seems like an admirable pillar of feminine strength when she's learning to get catty. "Jungle Red!"



Despite regular Oscar love for 'The First Lady of MGM' (Norma Shearer had 5 Oscar nominations and 1 win behind her when this film premiered) AMPAS voters dismissed The Women with nary a nomination. Not even for the celebrated stars empathetic turn as the wronged housewife. Perhaps it was too fluffy? Nevertheless it remains a jolly good, surprisingly serious time at the movies. Whether you're after a witty comedy, old Hollywood eye-candy, or memorable performances, the film delivers. The jokes are funny, the sets and parade of outfits are glamourous or amusingly outre (you have to see Rosalind Russell's "eye" dress to believe it), and the gaggle of movie stars are a collective hoot.

Hollywood, always seemingly bereft of new ideas, have been planning a remake forever. The latest attempt has Diane English (TV’s Murphy Brown) at the helm and is currently set to star Annette Bening, Meg Ryan, Uma Thurman, Sandra Bullock, and Ashley Judd. But we’ve been here before with other gltizy line-ups. I’ll believe it when filming commences. With enough lawyers, agent, and star cooperation they may eventually be able to arrive at a start date and produce a film that matches the glamourous star wattage from the 1930s. But they’ll be hard pressed to match the fun of the original film itself.

Read more about The Women?
Norma Shearer: First Lady of MGM
Jon Danzinger Review (funny bit on the film as 'millinery porn')
The Best of Everything: A Joan Crawford Encyclopedia