Ruffy the Werewolf Cuddler

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JA from MNPP here. Perhaps you heard the news of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer reboot that was announced yesterday? Strangely it sounded just like a couple million geeks exploding. E! got a written statement from the man who made Buffy in the first place and has nothing to do with this reboot, Joss Whedon, and he made with the funny:

"Obviously I have strong, mixed emotions about something like this. My first reaction upon hearing who was writing it was, "Whit Stillman AND Wes Anderson? This is gonna be the most sardonically adorable movie EVER." Apparently I was misinformed."

He's referring to the new writer name-checked in the news, one Whit Anderson, whose IMDb page no doubt jumped about a billion percent in the span of a couple of hours. She's apparently a fan of the original series who came up with a "fresh" "funky" "fun" take. "This is not your high-school Buffy," exclaimed one producer! Well okay then! Who'd want that anyway? Pfft.

According to Anderson, she "will take the touchstones of the Whedon world but frame them in 'a new story' that is very much of the moment." Well as a fan - some might say fanatic - of Joss' show, I want to help Anderson out. Offer up some ways she can honor the show while making it new. Here are JA's rules for rebooting Buffy:


Because she is in the title, you've got to have a Buffy. But does her last name have to be Summers? I'd stay away from that. No Winters either. Stay away from seasons in general. And since this isn't our "high school Buffy," maybe she shouldn't be a cheerleader? She can't work at a fast-food place either. And no magic shops! Stay away from those. She shouldn't like to shop either, that's been done. And no dancing. No ice-skating. No climbing out her window at night. No crimped hair on a whim. No sudden disappearance of cleavage.

Under no circumstances can she have a sister that is a Key. Or a lock, or a door, or a doorstop, or one of those bells that jangles when someone comes through a door, or one of those sausage-shaped stuffed animals that sits at the bottom of a door and keeps out a draft.

As for her Scooby Gang (note: do not use the phrase "Scooby Gang"), there can't be a nerdy guy in love with her named Xander. Or Alexander. Or Alex. Or Al. Or Der. This non-character cannot live in his parent's basement, join the swim team, read comic books, or almost marry an ex-demon (you should probably avoid demons altogether). No librarians named Giles, or Rupert, or Ripper. You'll probably have to have a Watcher but call him or her something other than Watcher. Seer? Looker? There can't under any circumstances be a nerdy girl named Willow. No girls named Fern or Maple or Oak either. No variants of Deciduous. No Conifer. There can be no witches. There can be no lesbians. There can be no lesbian witches. You can however make magic into a drug addiction, because that was stupid.

Other names to avoid: Cordelia. Cordy. Mordelia. Mordy. Harmony. Melody. Harm. Parm. Oz. Ozzy. Fozzy. Fonzie.

Because they're in the title too there must be vampires. But she cannot fall for a vampire with a soul. Or a chip. She cannot be torn between two vampires or between a vampire and a werewolf - any attempts at Twilight-izing the Buffy name will lead to a rogue band of Buffy fans creating a time machine and going back in time to stop your parents from ever meeting each other.

No Angel. Angle. Spangle. Charlie Rangel. That last one just because that wouldn't make any sense. Why would Buffy take up with a disgraced Congressman? Tomfoolery. No Spike. William the Bloody. William the Lightly Salted. Bob the Builder.

There can be no Master or Mayor, no Glory or Adam. No Ruler or Governor or Splendor or Eve. No Summer's Eve. No Sunnydale. No Foggybog. No Hellmouth or Heckbellybutton.

There can be no musical. No music. No sound effects whatsoever. No dialogue. No curse of silence from fairy-tale goblins either! No lighting. No darkness either though, that has too many past connotations. No projected images on the screen. No actors, no director, no budget and no sets.

That about covers it. Good luck with your script, Whit!
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Links and Other Drugs

I'm so behind on movie news and readings. It will take me a week to catch up. I'm also aware that I need to revamp the Oscar predix this week. Where to even begin? Links.

IndieWire TIFF completes their lineup. I haven't been posting about TIFF much because I'm so depressed I'm not going. Maybe I'll find someone to cover it for me... [hint. hint]
NY Post will The Walking Dead be a hit for AMC? I do wonder how anyone can make the zombie story fresh these days. This looks exactly like all the rest of them, barring the horseback travel. When will entertainment's zombie addiction end?
Coming Soon a big screen adaptation of the app/game Angry Birds? I have now heard everything. This would only work as claymation. Oh god please not glossy CGI for this property.


Nick's Flick Picks His 2009 Honorees continue with Screenplays. Better late than never, especially with the intriguing but concise writeups.
Cinema Blend video of Viggo and Fassbender in costume and makeup for the new David Cronenberg picture. Oooh, can't wait to see them in action together.
Marc Malkin Meet Kurt's Glee boyfriend
PopMatters "like touching the dead" another rave for Ken Russell's The Devils (1971). I really wish they'd put this on DVD. It really is amazing in scope and the world so needs it right now given that the global addiction to religion is more dangerous than ever these days.
The Ausselio Files creative tension on the set of Diane Keaton's HBO project Tilda
Freckle Face The Musical Yes, Julianne Moore's children's book is now a stage musical. They start singing and dancing in early September
We Are Movie Geeks Readers near St. Louis, MO? You might want to check out the Black Expo later this very week. Movie legends Pam Grier (!), Louis Gossett Jr and Mario Van Peebles are all appearing.

<--- Yay. It's P&A. The filmmaker and his only real male muse have reunited. They've started shooting The Skin I'm In (2011). Here they are on a break.

Cinematical offers strange speculation about why Penélope Cruz is not in Pedro Almodóvar's The Skin I'm In which just started shooting. Um... how about, Pedro's just using a different girl this time? He does that sometimes. Nothing in P's filmography suggests she'd be uncomfortable with nudity, sex scenes or anything Pedro would ask of her really.
Moviehole Apparently Joss Whedon is aware that people are worried that there are no women in The Avengers. He assures there will be. Um, extras don't count. If you don't have The Wasp or Scarlet Witch, you have a sausage fest, plain and simple.
The Playlist First look at Uma Thurman in Ceremony. I hope this is a hit for her.
Joblo DeNiro, Norton and Jovovich get their Stone poster. I'm falling asleep.
Dial P for Popcorn more Black Narcissus images.

Please someone tell me they watched Narcissus specifically due to all this cheerleading we're doing. Blogging must not be in vain! Speaking of... Tomorrow's "Best Shot" episode is Bring It On. Are you joining us?

Finally, I saw this short at this tumblr where the author said "oh my little heart!! cute/sad shakes" and there's no saying it better. Unfortunately I can't tell you who said so. If I don't save things immediately on tumblr I never see them again. (I don't understand tumblr at all. So disposable it is!)

MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON from Dean Fleischer-Camp on Vimeo.

My favorite part is the 'lint puppy'. I would've teared up if my ducts worked properly. One of the undeniable truths of our modern online world is that it has blown out whole new walls as window. There's just so much creativity from so many folks to discover.
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How Much Does Your Link Weigh?

Today's must read
Jinni Blog Christopher Korbel wrote a thinkpiece about a few of the Best Actor nominations from 2009 and what they're still telling us about today's men and their shared values.

The most unsettling of unanimously shared values is that they all reject their homes due to a strong desire for the Open Road. They all delight in living hermetically in the most estranged of environments.

Really interesting piece so go read it.

More?
Lazy Circles remembers Hitchcock star Farley Granger. We like Farley.
Natasha VC another Grace Zabriskie fan. Natasha speaks the truth.
I Need My Fix Lady Gaga leads the VMA nominations, and commandeers 40% of the Best Video category. As it should be.
All Things Fangirls Remember when we shared this hottie Disney princes in their undies. The tables are turned. The Disney girls have now been sufficiently sexed up.

The Film Doctor "Cinema and the Eye" These screenshots have blinded me! So spooky I had to look away.
Sunset Gun remembers Frances Farmer of Frances fame.
Tribeca Film Best in Show: Annette Bening.
NY Times "The Age of Laura Linney" I totally forgot to link to this over the weekend. I desperately want to see The C Word.

And totally random question of the day. Is David Boreanz getting younger every year? Or at least younger than he's been since he first left Buffy? Did he uncover some supernatural magics in all those Whedonverse years?

[photo src]

A Story of Run-On Linkings

Sometimes when I fall out of the loop as I just did, taking a few days away from normal internettings to finish a freelance gig I have trouble getting back on the horse because I subscribe to a lot of websites and blogs and I almost never have time to read them and if I stop reading for even one day I end up lost inside multiple levels of nightmares while trying to find my footing again because there's an awful a lot of "news" on the internet that feels totally urgent even when it's not and it's less news than rumors and then retractions of rumors to be replaced by other rumors and which, well, we'd really all be better off it it was all opinion pieces


like "which will be a better 2012 film The Avengers or Batman 3?" because at least that's honest rather than the rumor mill which can take HOURS to sift through and only exists to generate page views and, really now, who cares if The Wasp is going to be in the Avengers when The Scarlet Witch (my favorite) isn't and why would anyone care that Joss Whedon is directing it when it's so sorely lacking in awesome girlpower (see the monotonous photo above for too much penis) and that's like his trademark thang and if people step outside their comfort zone it's sometimes really painful and that's what American Idol is always teaching us and don't even get me started on what a horrible lesson that is to drill into people week after week "STAY IN YOUR BOX!!!" because sometimes the world would really benefit from everyone stepping out of their boxes and doing something a little different, you know, instead of just relentlessly copying previous cool things whether it was their cool thing to begin with or not but...

okay okay okay some people like Gwyneth Paltrow probably shoulda stayed in the acting box instead of wasting her youth on GOOP and what is all this sudden buzz about her Oscar chances for a reboot of Crazy Heart because I had no idea she was acting again and everytime someone asks me about her and the Best Original Song category I actually have no earthly idea what they're talking about -- stop e-mailing me but yes, yes, I thought it was interesting what Tom Hardy said -- because I haven't really been reading the internet in three days because I haven't had much time but even when I don't have much time I totally notice things like how cute Nicole Kidman is looking or that Cheyenne Jackson is going to be on Glee even though he's not playing one of the mysteriously absent gay Rachel dads who make NO narrative sense because gay dads would be alloverthatshit if their daughter was that talented ...not that Glee has ever excelled in making narrative sense but my point is this: sometimes you just have to stop trying to catch up and you have to scream "Begone Old Movie News From Tuesday That I Never Read About!" and simply state "I'll just have to start again from Friday July 30th, 2010 at 5:01 PM," you know?

So that's what I'm saying and doing. How are you?
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The Bad, The Bad and The Ugly

I don't know how many of you caught my tweet a week back when I finally got through Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland (more on that soon if I can stomach it)...


..but the following three things are probably living in its toxic proximity. Sometimes I like to mush all the bad things together, roll them around in my mouth until they're one giant blob of suck, which I can then spit out and be done with. This is the way I deal.

Suck 1 Nicole Kidman signed to Cage/Schumacher Flick.
This was announced almost exactly 15 years after Batman Forever opened. Weirdness. If Nic' really wants to travel back in time to 1995, shouldn't she be thinking more along the lines of Gus Van Sant's To Die For?

It's evident to most thinking people -- those that don't reflexively hate on her at least -- that Ms. Kidman has great taste in art flicks and abyssmal taste in mainstream projects. The Latest Evidence: Trespass, from the makers of 8MM. It really shouldn't be this hard to choose your mall films inbetween the ones you're doing for your craft. If you're looking for something mainstream, cozy up to any number of respected directors who are mainstream at heart (or half the time) but still always shoot for art or quality. I'm talking about your Scotts, Scorseses, Spielbergs, Soderberghs, Finchers, Manns, etcetera. You might not get to be in a $200 million grosser but chances are, the movie won't be universally hated. But starring opposite Nic Cage with Schumacher directing you? Dear god, why? It's like asking for trouble.

Schumacher is capable of making a good movie (Tigerland) and Kidman already knows him (Batman Forever) but it's the combo of Cage & Schumacher. That screams BAD MOVIE. Nic Cage, my arch nemesis, already dragged Julianne Moore down with him (in the truly exerable Next) and now Nic' too? Who's next on his hit list?

Nicole and Baz in January 2002. Good times! --->

Suck 2 Baz Luhrmann still hasn't decided on his next project.
The Playlist acts like the abundant possibilities (The Great Gatsby, a Bollywood style musical, or a historical epic) are good things and he'll start filming in 2011 and maybe we'll even get a musical (!) If I know Baz this is not good news but bad, bad news. He's had two years of downtime and he still hasn't decided on his next project? He hasn't even narrowed it down by genre? There's at least three possibilities and likely more? That means we're at least a year away from a decision. Then someone has to write a script and then the studios have to decided whether or not to bankroll it and then Baz has to tinker with it endlessly in pre-production. It'll be 2015 before we get another movie. That's at the earliest and only if we're lucky. Mark my words.

<-- Joss with "Echo" and "Angel"

Suck 3 Continued MGM Fallout.
Joss Whedon's Cabin in the Woods is delayed again. It's not that I care so much about a 3D horror film but that I'm always rooting for Joss and whenever there are hold ups (as there continually are here and there will continually be on The Avengers) that means more and more time away from his true calling: series television. MGM's woes throw kinks in other things, too. The James Bond franchise was totally reinvigorated when Daniel Craig put on the tux. And just as it was worth caring about again... denied. That legendary lion hasn't roared in some time but the nostalgic part of this cinephile's heart really wants it, too.

Talk me through this sudden dark mood. What would you have Nicole Kidman do? Why must Nicolas Cage contaminate the filmographies of so many fine actresses? Will Baz ever get back to work? Will there ever be another 'Craig, Daniel Craig' Bond film? Will Joss ever realize that he should go to pay cable for a new television series?

Joss Whedon + Stephen Sondheim

I guess it totally makes sense that Joss Whedon (Buffy creator and TV genius) is a Stephen Sondheim (musical genius) fanatic but I can't say that I knew before today:

The following is from Terry Teachout's blog (linked in the header above) which contains an excerpt from the latest Sondheim Review:

"Whedon's parents introduced him to Sondheim's musicals when he was a child, and he believes shows like Company and A Little Night Music were formative in the development of his creative vision, one that's "existential and bleak," though shot through with acts of devotion, courage and faith. "...I told my therapist that I knew all of Follies by the age of nine; she said, 'We have our work cut out for us.'"

That last exchange is classic, is it not?

Whedon Updates

I don't know how many of you notice that my sidebar changes weekly on Tues Night/Wednesday mornings when I do my weekly obsessions, but it does. This week Joss Whedon is on my mind. I am, naturally, a crazed Buffy fan. Is there any other kind? What is less known about my Whedon enthusiasm is that I never much cared for Angel. That's a TV series that I feel never quite found its voice. Or at least that the voice kept changing. To my way of thinking though Whedon might have struck gold again with Firefly which is now showing at The Urge (On Monday nights at 8:00 @ 2nd & 2nd in Manhattan if you happen to love the Whedon-verse, 2-for-1 drink specials, or Steve the bartender). I say "might" because the first season, which is good but starts slow gives off that familiar impression that the second season will be excellent. Just like Buffy. Her first season was interesting but not exactly classic. And the 2nd season and 3rd season are like television nirvana. Practically perfect in everywhere. But Buffy 's seven season survival was always a TV miracle. Most unusual or great or original shows don't survive. So, the TV gods, being what they are (i.e. oft incompetent) elected to cancel Firefly. No second season will ever exist.

Firefly, the series, for those who are are in the dark about it, was a hard sell. Combining the old west aesthetic with sci-fi, aired out of order, some episodes never aired. And it's all very unusual with tons of characters, complicated backstory, and heavy sexual undercurrents that Whedon shows never shy away from, but that TV audiences often cringe about because it's just too "adult" for them to handle.

The movie "Serenity" will be out in the fall so the growing members of this particular TV cult will have something to be excited about. Here is the trailer.

* In other Whedon news, there's still no word on the possible Faith series and I possibly shouldn't have even brought it up since my yearning for such an imaginary television series is so massive that it often threatens to crush me, the way Faith crushes men's hearts (and bones).

* In still more Whedon news, Wonder Woman is currently being written and will probably be filmed in Australia according to Dark Horizons.