American Dreamz (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Kill Time)

Arden here. Yes. I blog on the weekends.


Excerpt from my new American review of this American pile of crap.

If this film were an action verb: "to kill time." Not pass time. Ruthlessly murder it. Mercilessly suck the existence out of every second that tics by. This movie is the inevitable conclusion to what might be generously referred to as the Weitz brothers' body of "work." I mean, are you really surprised that the makers of American Pie had a moment where they were like "We should totally use our frat boy humor and complete lack of artistic vision to say something about this country!" And no one stopped them. The studio execs made sure the research screenings were full of deaf-mutes.

Click here to read the entire review!

Celebrate Earth Day The Right Way

Yes, tomorrow is Earth Day, but much more importantly it's a Saturday (yay, weekend!)... and it's supposed to rain here in NYC.

Which is a big fat reminder that Mother Nature is a bitch.

So here are five movies to celebrate that realization with while you're trapped inside because of whatever crappy weather this delightful Earth is spitting down, ruining your weekend with:

Armageddon - Eww, Michael Bay, I know. But if you watch it in fast-forward, it's like a whirlwind of Ben Affleck (during that brief period when he was attractive) and Josh Hartnett (yup, still attractive) in tank tops. A bronzed, glistening tanktop whirlwind. Of epic destruction!!! (ETA it has wisely been brought to my attention that I somehow mashed together Armageddon and Pearl Harbor with the above nonsense... how I could mistake two completely different Michael Bay pictures I'll never know... still, as with everything I say, don't listen, that path leads to madness.)

The Rapture - Fulfills the religious quota for our "End O' The World, I Feel Fine" World Tour. Mimi Rogers and David Duchovny battle for their immortal souls against the backdrop of the Book of Revelations, which apparently featured swank orgies and incredibly detailed tattoos somewhere in there with the multi- headed multi- crowned beasts.... who knew?




The Day The Earth Stood Still - Klaatu barada nikto! Unfortunately, Ash never shows up and slices Klaatu's metal head in half, thereby ridding us of his smug sense of superiority. Blah blah, humanity's killing everything, blah, get back to me when you stop peeing motor oil.



When Time Ran Out... - Simultaneously the greatest and the worst of the All-Star Disaster flicks of the 70s. Paul Newman, Jacqueline Bissett, William Holden... Red Buttons blinded by flying lava-balls! Pat Morita dangling off a rickety bridge... over a river of lava! Earthquakes, tidal waves, and volcanic explosions! It has everything you could ever want, and nothing you could ever, ever need.




The Day After Tomorrow - Um. Just because? And because? And because? And because? And because? And because? And because? And because?

tags: Earth Day, Jake Gyllenhaal, mother nature, movies, disaster, Rapture, Revelations

Other People's Lists

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Jim Emerson, who blogs over at Roger Ebert's website (and is way cooler than Ebert, cuz he disliked Crash), posted a list of the "101 Movies You Must See Before You Die", which he describes as :

"This isn't like Roger Ebert's "Great Movies" series. It's not my idea of The Best Movies Ever Made (that would be a different list, though there's some overlap here), or that they were my favorites or the most important or influential films, but that they were the movies you just kind of figure everybody ought to have seen in order to have any sort of informed discussion about movies. They're the common cultural currency of our time, the basic cinematic texts that everyone should know, at minimum, to be somewhat "movie-literate."

It's pretty much the usual suspects, from Citizen Kane, to Fargo, to Gone With The Wind, to Taxi Driver. I counted 54 of the 101 that I've seen, which probably isn't the percentile I'd like to pretend I'm in, alas...

Four Hitchcock films? Not that I could choose between any of them. I might even add Notorious to the list, since it's the Most Romantic Film Ever Made (says me).

Fight Club is the most recent film listed. Anybody able to think of anything he's missing? Or that just should not be there at all?

And since no post I do would apparently be complete without some scariness injected, director Christopher Gans, of the opening-today film Silent Hill, listed his top seven horror movies in the L.A. Times, and they are as follows:

1 - The Haunting, Robert Wise
2 - Deep Red, Dario Argento
3 - The Innocents, Jack Clayton
4 - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Tobe Hooper
5 - Dawn of the Dead, George Romero
6 - Prince of Darkness, John Carpenter
7 - Ringu, Hideo Nakata

I've never seen Prince of Darkness; John Carpenter is so terribly hit- or- miss- but- usually-miss, it depresses me when I catch something like Ghosts of Mars or Village of the Damned, so I haven't checked out a lot of his work. I will make this terribly dubious claim, though - his remake of The Thing is a better film than Halloween. Anyway, onto the queue with you, then, Prince of Darkness!

The other film of those seven I've never seen is Deep Red; I was on a brief Argento kick about a year ago (Suspiria is still my favorite) and watched several of his films, but there are only so many screaming girls in dormitories you can take before you really need a long break.

Otherwise it's a great list (big yes to Ringu!), though I could make a list of about 100 more horror films one needs to see...

No Rosemary's Baby, for one, is blasphemy.

(Tannis, anyone?)

Not Such a Pretty Woman After All

Hollywood's most profitable leading lady, Julia Roberts, made her big fat Broadway debut this week...and bellyflopped like Bruce Vilanch jumping off the high dive. While some of the blistering critical reaction can be explained by the general snootiness of New Yorkers (they don't like it when movie stars decide to flounce about on theatrical stages), it remains clear -- after high-profile failures by Denzel Washington, Jessica Lange, and Alec Baldwin -- that film acting and stage acting are very different skills to master.

To be fair, some Hollywood types do well on Broadway -- Hugh Jackman triumphed in The Boy From Oz, Philip Seymour Hoffman led a remarkable True West, and Ralph Fiennes is currently on the boards acquitting himself nicely in a revival of Faith Healer -- but most of them cut their teeth for years in the theatre before transitioning to film. Ms. Roberts, on the other hand, hasn't foot on a stage since her high school years in Georgia.

The play she stars in (with Paul Rudd and Bradley Cooper, of 40-Year-Old Virgin and Wedding Crashers fame, respectively) is a revival of Three Days of Rain, by Tony winner Richard Greenberg. Kudos to Julia for picking difficult material (she plays two roles in different acts), but her flat line delivery leads me to believe that Erin Brockovich: The Musical will not be in the cards anytime soon. - ModFab

Tags: Julia Roberts, Broadway, Three Days of Rain, Hollywood, critics

Arden's Inbox. re: Harry Potter

I was just forwarded this email from my good pal, Lauren (non-blogger but Gilded Moose fanatic). It's from her baby-sitting charge, "Ben", aged 7.

Hi Lauren-

I have a Harry Potter theory.... In Book #7 Harry will kill Voldemort but then Harry will also die, because Harry can't live without Voldemort and Voldemort can't live without Harry. They are part of each other. What do you think?

PS I'm almost done reading Order of the Phoenix again.

Ben


Very astute. Makes me wish I sat on babies more.

tags: movies, books, Harry Potter, Voldemort

Manna from Pfeiffer heaven

Love the tie!

Given this site's status as unofficial global temple of Michelle Pfeiffer worship, I feel duty bound to post up this new pic from the forthcoming I Could Never Be Your Woman, in which she plays a single mum who falls for a younger guy (Rudd, look!) while Tracey Ullman (as Mother Nature) messes with their fates or some such thing. Obviously we've all got our fingers crossed, but since grand sheikh of Pfeiffislam Nat is laid up in bed with a fever as of yesterday, please let's console him with thoughts of how good this might feasibly be, and what great news a mainsteam hit would be for The Career at this point. Amy Heckerling directs, so we're obviously thinking more Fast Times at Ridgmont High here than, well, Look Who's Talking Too. Surely.

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She Has Her Father's Eyes...

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In honor of the birth that dare not speak it's name, here are five completely unrelated-to-this-event films that no one could ever, should ever, associate with such a blessed, happy thing... ahem...

Devil Fetus (1983) - I've never seen this, but my boyfriend has, and he does a terrific impression of the "devil fetus" of the title, which apparently was a rubbery baby doll covered in slime that would pop up like a Muppet and wiggle around... evilly. Evil wiggling! Run!



It's Alive (1974) Another classic of the School of Wiggling Evil, but I remember this film as actually being somewhat creepy... then again, I watched it, along with it's two (!) sequels, in a marathon session when I was 13, and things scared me... more easily then. I do remember the birthing scene as being especially traumatic, though.


The Omen, (1976) I'm more excited about the remake (watch the terrific trailer here) with Liev Schriber, Julia Stiles, and Mia Farrow (Yay! Mia!), than I can pretend to have enthusiasm for the original film. Gregory Peck... let's not speak of Gregory Peck being in this movie. But I do often find myself wanting to shout out, "I did it all for YOU, Damien!"... just without having to then leap off a rooftop with a noose tied around my neck.


Children of the Damned (1963) Yes, the original is a slight classic, with the identical little Hitler-Youth-like murdering tweens, but I hold a special place in my heart for the truly awful John Carpenter directed remake, starring Christopher Reeve and an obviously drunken Kirstie Alley trying to vamp it up as some sort of detective? Scientist? Lord knows what she's supposed to be, but she's wonderfully awful. And Chris Reeve's acting chops are pushed to their limit when he spends about five minutes of the film (literally) having to imagine a brick wall with all his might. "She was meant for me."

The Bad Seed (1956) Oh, darling little Patty McCormack. Such a sweet little treat! Look at that face! Can you imagine a more innocent, lovely girl? Well, you'd better not be able to, or she'll set you on fire in the basement of her house.

tags: horror, TomKat, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, movies, celebrities, devil, gossip

Arden Cut and Pastes. Imdb News.

Loyal Cinephiles,

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times... If you want to know the future of film distribution, check out what the porn industry's doing.

Lots of love, Arden

Porn Producers Take Lead in Selling Movies Online
Vivid Entertainment Group, a producer of pornographic films, will begin selling 30 of its movies online, all of which can be downloaded and burned onto DVDs so that they can easily be watched on TV sets, the Los Angeles Times reported today (Wednesday). The newspaper observed that Hollywood studios have prevented even movies distributed legally over the Internet from being burned to discs, fearing piracy and the reaction from retailers.

Click here for the rest of the article.

Billy Billy Zane, Where Are You?

Just got a press release through in the post which I'm going to have to type out in its entirety, as it sounds like possibly the best film of all time and is opening on 5th May in the UK (straight to DVD in the States, I believe). Yes, the above is a real production photo. No, I have not changed a single word of the below.

***

THREE (15 cert, 94 min)

starring KELLY BROOK, BILLY ZANE and JUAN PABLO DI PACE
directed by STEWART RAFFILL

From director Stewart Raffill, THREE is a sexy, psychological thriller starring Kelly Brook (School for Seduction) and Billy Zane (Titanic).

Wealthy businessman Jack (Billy Zane) and his beautiful trophy wife Jennifer (Kelly Brook) find their holiday cruise cut short when their luxury cruiser catches fire and sinks. Shipwrecked on an idyllic paradise island Jennifer and the attractive Latin boat-hand Manuel (Juan Pablo di Pace) make a shelter for themselves as they await rescue, but they are not alone and when Jack emerges from the water a dangerous love triangle is formed. As Jack's jealousy grows it threatens the fragile equilibrium of their new world and soon they are fighting not only the elements, but each other, for survival.

***

I am so there. I bet that equilibrium is really fragile, and I bet the Latin boat-hand is really attractive. But I suspect Zane "emerging from the water" will be the high point, right? Sound like he's really venturing into uncharted territory here, don't you think? What do you mean, no?

Bettie Page. Ed Wood on Estrogen?

Arden here. I mean, you tell me.



Here's a snippet from my spanking new review:

"Harron achieves something I didn't think was possible in cinema: a truly magnificent and downright believable virgin/whore. Now I doubt this is what the real Bettie Page was. But this film isn't called The REAL Bettie Page. It's called The NOTORIOUS Bettie Page. I think Harron understood that when dealing with such an enigmatic and marginal female sex icon there were much more interesting things to explore besides simulated biographical motives."

Intrigued? Click here to read the entire review!

Under The Knife

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"I'm all out of hope
One more bad dream could bring a fall
When I'm far from home
Don't call me on the phone
To tell me you're alone
It's easy to deceive
It's easy to tease
But hard to get release"

- Billy Idol, "Eyes Without A Face"

Ah yes, a modern day poet, that Billy Idol. He would turn this cold, sexless film into a plea for ejaculation.

Says director Franju, "When I shot Eyes Without a Face, I was told: ‘No sacrilege because of the Spanish market, no nudity because of the Italian market, no blood because of the French market and don’t kill any animals because of the English market.’ And I was supposed to be making a horror film!”

And yet he succeeded in making one of the horrifyingly beautiful films ever shot - more horrifying because it's so beautiful, in such a strange, surreal way.


The film, about the ruthless search for beauty to cover up the ugliness barely hidden away, could obviously be read as a plastic surgery parable - what is Joan Rivers if not a plastic mask we keep waiting to watch rot off?

(spoiler alert for next paragraph...)

Yet Christiane, the woman behind the mask, is our hero in the end; importantly, though, Franju makes it impossible to say it was because her inner beauty won out over her need for external beauty - yes, Christiane may free the trapped girl, but she also releases the hounds upon her father, and wanders into the night looking like something out of Night of the Living Dead.

Franju, rather than call the film "horror", said, "It's an anguish film. It's a quieter mood than horror, something more subjacent, more internal, more penetrating. It's horror in homeopathic doses.”

Arden's Inbox. re: 1985.

I was just sent an email that reads:

"I'm sure in 1985 plutonium is available at every corner drugstore, but in 1955 it's a little hard to come by."

Seriously. That's all it said.

I have good friends. Friends that encourage my obsessions.

Mustachioed Humpie

Nathaniel only thinks that Hump Day Hottie is going away. I decided that as my first act as a guest blogger I would try to make Wednesday the day to champion...

the Mature Man

the Man with Meat on his Bones

the Moustached Man

With that let's talk about Nikita Mikhalkov.

Many of you may be familiar with Mikhalkov's work as director and star in the Oscar Award winning Burnt By the Sun. Mikhalkov's sexual presence in the movie is stunning, especially considering the youth and beauty of his co-stars.

My favorite film of his, however, has received little attention, beyond the fact that it was the first Russian (that is not Soviet) film ever to be nominated for Best Foreign Film. Urga, (or Close to Eden, in its US release), tells the story of a nomadic Mongolian family. The wife fed up with the crowded conditions in their yurt, gives her husband an ultimatum. He must go to the city come back with condoms.

His quest takes him to China, but he cannot bring himself to buy condoms. He returns instead with a Television strapped to his horse. What follows is a beautiful meditation on family, masculinity, media and culture. Its photography of the Mongolian steppes alone is worth hunting it down in VHS.

A Freely Associated Hello

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It's an American Travesty that Paperhouse has never been released to DVD on our shores (it is available in the UK). A wonderful, terrifying film, I first saw it via a battered library VHS when I was in my early teens, maybe 13 or so, and it's stuck with me ever since. It tells the story of s sick little girl and the hallucinations her fever brings, taking her into a stark world where what she draws by day becomes real by night.

The film was directed by Bernard Rose. For those of you who watch the television show Lost, that name may make you think of the older married couple, Bernard and Rose, who are stranded on the island of the show. Could it be that some outside force is imagining/ drawing what's happening on the island, which is making it happen to the castaways? Is it all a fever dream?

Or is there a terrifyingly hook-handed, Cabrini-Green-projects-haunting monster like Candyman lurking about, the other film that Bernard Rose is best known for?

Candyman starred Virginia Madsen, whose career recently got its groove back with Critic's Darling Sideways, but has since hit a rough patch by becoming Harrison Ford's choice of movie- wife- cum- Golden- Globes- booze- wench du jour.

What's with Harrison Ford anyway? When did he become the Poster Man for elderly public drunkenness anyway?

And of course, Candyman also starred the amazing Tony Todd as the C-Man himself. I caught a second of Todd's cameo in the original Final Destination the other day; it's amazing how much presence the man has. And speaking of the FD movies, why do critics always have to point out how ridiculous it is that, in regards to the sequels, a "Final" destination really can't have a second part? What about, say, The Neverending Story II? Um hi, the first one Never Ended?

But I've never seen The Neverending Story, either "Chapter", so I should
shut up about that. All I know is that weird dog-dragon thing from the cover that seemed like an endless trail of mange.

Anyway, Paperhouse starred the lovely Glenne Headly, who, when it was decided two days before the film was going to be released that her character should suddenly be British, had to run in and dub over all of her dialogue with an accent. Headly is better known as the wife in Mr. Holland's Opus, Richard Dreyfuss' last mad dash for respectability before giving up altogether, the comedy Dirty Rotten Scoundrels with Steve Martin and Michael Caine - where she steals the show, I might add - and as Tess Trueheart in Dick Tracy.






Paperhouse also stars Ben Cross, he of the running- in- slow- motion- to- the- theme- song- that- accompanies- us- all- when- we run- in- slow- motion- from- here- on- out epic, Chariots of Fire, as well as being Barnabas Collins himself in the 90's remake of Dark Shadows.

Director of many of those Dark Shadows episodes, Rob Bowman, was the man behind the Ode to Jennifer Garner In Red Leather, Electra, as well that Ode to Christian Bale and Matthew McConaughey In Dirty-Shirtlessness, Reign of Fire. Mmmm dirty shirtless Christian Bale.

And then there's Paperhouse's young star, Charlotte Burke, who was never in anything again. I wonder whatever happened to her? Maybe she became a doctor like Mayim Bialik?

Anyway, you totally have to see Paperhouse if you can. It's awesome.


(... and with that, Hello! I'm JA of My New Plaid Pants, and I'll be one of your guest-bloggers this week! Thanks to Nathaniel for having me! And I promise not to try so hard again... All of the above has been made possible by my not being able to fall asleep for several hours last night - I am giving you an inside peek to my psyche. Be afraid. Be very... you get it.)

Jensen: The Best Friend Guest

So, I was on a date with Nathaniel R. (In fact, it was my first date ever with a person of the penis persuasion.) It was 1994. Somehow the conversation came around to our favorite movie image of the past year. It's not hard to guess that Nathaniel came up with that piece of dating chit-chat.

Anyway we both agreed that our favorite was the hole in Holly Hunter's glove in The Piano. It was magic. We knew at that moment that we were meant in each other's lives.

Unfortunately, we thought that that meant in each others' pants. The pants were not to be--to be gotten into, that is.

Twelve years later, Nathaniel asked me to do a little writing for him. Blogging is entirely new to me. I spend my creative energies writing poems for no one to read. Many successful poems are not unlike successful blog posts: short, obsessive, with strong attachments to images. Like breath, with both bad blogs and bad poetry, it's always hard to tell when your own stinks.

Fantasy Casting Couch

Hi all, tim r here, guesting from mainlymovies. This is following up on a suggestion down there in the comments somewhere: parts you've always wanted your favourite actors/actresses to play. Nat's dream is for Toni Collette to do a biopic of Liza Minnelli. My dream is to see Peter Sarsgaard do Iago, or failing that, for Annette Bening to play Liza's mum. See below for the obvious sense this all makes. Now let's have some of yours!

Arden. A Formal Intro.

Hey there Rockford Peaches!

Arden, blogger of Cinephilia, formally introducing. Wanted to let you all know I am ready, willing and very grateful to be able to put my two cents in this week regarding our collective film experience. A little bit about me: I'm a cinephile first, a blogger second and a woman third. Despite the fact that I'm neither as witty nor as interesting as Nathaniel R., I do solemnly swear that during his absence in the next week I will be asking the tough questions. Such as:

1. Does August 18th 2006 mark the end of cinema as we know it?
2. What is Mark Ruffalo doing right now?
3. Did Quentin Tarantino ruin everything?

And finally,

4. Is there any point to being a heterosexual female when its not 1961 and Warren Beatty's married?

Off to the movies... xoxo ARDEN

Tom. Jamie. Ian. Vince. Edward.

'Top 100 Actors of the Aughts' countdown continues with #61 through #65. Discuss if the spirit so moves you. Or just enjoy this photo of Edward Norton...

A History Of... Dakota Fanning

It's Tuesday. Time for a new episode of the History series...


Oh unsuspecting reader. I do apologize in advance. First Bunnies and now this? Will the "cute" ever end? I was spurred on by yesterday's request and a strange finding on which web google searches were leading people to this site. OK I'll share: It was a search quote "Dakota Fanning mysteriously dies" I don't know why this would lead people to the Film Experience. I'm frightened that it would. But it did. Google is a strange and endless labyrinth.

Let the history begin...

1994 Hannah Dakota Fanning is born to unsuspecting parents in Conyers, Georgia. No... not --I mean, they knew they were pregnant. That's not what I meant...never mind.

2000 At the age of six, Dakota is unleashed upon the nation's living rooms without parental supervision in no less than six hit TV series. One of the roles is as the young Calista Flockhart in an Ally McBeal episode.

2001 Her next role: The young Ellen Degeneres in the comic's eponymous TV show. In her first major role, wee Dakota steals I am Sam from its intended stars Pfeiffer and Penn. For the sad scenes Dakota tells reporters she thought about her pet goldfish dying. The studio spends a fortune in hush money to prevent the quotes about 'kicking Tatum O'Neal's ass at the Oscars' from emerging. In the end, Dakota settles for a SAG nomination.

2002Dakota plays a young Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama.

2003 She throws her first professional tantrum when she is denied the role of a young Colin Farrell in Alexander and a young Jim Caviezel in The Passion of the Christ. "Can't these Hollywood dimwits see my range? I can play everything from the young version of a post-feminist punching bag to the young version of the world's most famous lesbian to the young version of the world's second most ambitious type A blonde in Hollywood!"

To punish Dakota for her outburst, her management places her in Uptown Girls to spend time with fidgety Brittany Murphy.

2005 In her first major blockbuster, the child star steals War of the Worlds from its intended star Tom Cruise. For the frightened scenes Fanning tells no reporters she thought of the nightly visitations from Tom Cruise in a mask 'Xenu' on set, or the relentless Scientology recruitment drive at the craft services table: "Am I stressed?!? Of course I'm stressed you idiots. Elle is hot on my tail and I'm not getting any younger!"

In this year Dakota also turns 11 years-old. Tatum O' Neal and Anna Paquin's Oscar records are safe. Temporarily defeated, the young dynamo shifts her sights to defeating Jodie Foster's 'two Oscars by the time she's 30' record. For her tireless determination (and, perhaps, from blood curdling fear) Barbara Walters names her one of the 10 most intriguing people of the year.

2006 Awkward adolescence be damned, Dakota plans a full out multiplex assault with four new films, commencing with Charlotte's Web in December.


* If you're new to this blog, please give it a good looksie.-- there's more than just the histories.

Previous Histories...
Bunny Rabbits * Sharon Stone * Jodie Foster *Gender Bending * Bald Women * Sarah Jessica Parker * Gay Cowboys * Julianne Moore's Screen Kids * Gyllenhaal

tags: Dakota Fanning, Elle Fanning, Tom Cruise, movies, celebrities, Oscars, gossip, Scientology