Fans are so fickle. The internet's collective 2006 boyfriend got a cold shoulder for most of this year. He starred in two underperforming movies (the excellent Zodiac and the political drama Rendition) causing haters to question his bankability. Pop culture cheaters went out seeking new objects of lust. Meanwhile, Jake grew a beard despite the rumors that that was entirely redundant. Yet he remains entirely kissable.
We should all still love him. For what male movie star is as soft, cuddly and gorgeous? You may have only thought about kissing Jake Gyllenhaal while you were sitting in a movie theater (Jena Malone plays your proxy to the right) but you can kiss this movie star anywhere and in many different ways.
Consider the abundant photographic evidence. Jena enthusiastically demonstrates...
She suggests brazenly planting one on him outside your high school or at lame parties. He's shy at first but Jena guarantees he warms up in the bedroom.
Gwyneth Paltrow, who must be a Gyllenhaalic herself (unless my count is wrong she has shared the most screen liplocks with the man himself), concurs:
Lord knows why she starts crying once she gets Jake naked.
But yeah, he does have that effect on people.
But, consequences be damned, Gyllenhaal must be kissed: violently, tenderly, with guilt or lust... it hardly matters. It must be done.
Even if you don't feel that way about Jake (what's wrong with you?), it's so easy to love him. Like a son... like a brother. You don't even have to come to him. He'll plant one on you.
I never thought I'd say this but Emmy Rossum may well be the smartest human being on earth. If the world is ending... by all means grab Jake Gyllenhaal and make out by the fire. It's your last chance!
previously on Kissing: Isabelle Huppert "do not defile it with cliché", When George Met Mary It's a Wonderful Life, Marilyn Monroe "just you... nobody else but you", Volver 47 kisses in the first 15 minutes alone
previous "Gyllenhaalic" classics: Jack Twist Monologue * A History of ... Gyllenhaal * Totally Gratuitous Jake Gyllenhaal * A History of... Gay Cowboys