Thursday, November 15, 2007

Kissing Jake Gyllenhaal

Jack Twist hasn't had a great 2007. Let's kiss him better.


Fans are so fickle. The internet's collective 2006 boyfriend got a cold shoulder for most of this year. He starred in two underperforming movies (the excellent Zodiac and the political drama Rendition) causing haters to question his bankability. Pop culture cheaters went out seeking new objects of lust. Meanwhile, Jake grew a beard despite the rumors that that was entirely redundant. Yet he remains entirely kissable.

We should all still love him. For what male movie star is as soft, cuddly and gorgeous? You may have only thought about kissing Jake Gyllenhaal while you were sitting in a movie theater (Jena Malone plays your proxy to the right) but you can kiss this movie star anywhere and in many different ways.

Consider the abundant photographic evidence. Jena enthusiastically demonstrates...

She suggests brazenly planting one on him outside your high school or at lame parties. He's shy at first but Jena guarantees he warms up in the bedroom.

Gwyneth Paltrow, who must be a Gyllenhaalic herself (unless my count is wrong she has shared the most screen liplocks with the man himself), concurs:


Lord knows why she starts crying once she gets Jake naked.

...from happiness?


But yeah, he does have that effect on people.

(It's because of Jake that he's like this. He's nothing... he's nowhere)

But, consequences be damned, Gyllenhaal must be kissed: violently, tenderly, with guilt or lust... it hardly matters. It must be done.


Even if you don't feel that way about Jake (what's wrong with you?), it's so easy to love him. Like a son... like a brother. You don't even have to come to him. He'll plant one on you.


I never thought I'd say this but Emmy Rossum may well be the smartest human being on earth. If the world is ending... by all means grab Jake Gyllenhaal and make out by the fire. It's your last chance!



Subscribe with Bloglines

Add to Google*
previously on Kissing: Isabelle Huppert "do not defile it with cliché", When George Met Mary It's a Wonderful Life, Marilyn Monroe "just you... nobody else but you", Volver 47 kisses in the first 15 minutes alone

previous "Gyllenhaalic" classics: Jack Twist Monologue * A History of ... Gyllenhaal * Totally Gratuitous Jake Gyllenhaal * A History of... Gay Cowboys

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ewwww! Kissing is gross!-Kristoferrobbin!

Sam said...

Best.Post.Ever.

Rural Juror said...

He's got to get work somehow...

Ryan said...

Wonderful post Nat!

Jake is a keeper. Box-office clout be damned. He has a BAFTA win and Oscar nod to his name.

Plus, Jake (and Heath) will always have a special place in my cinema-crazed heart for giving me/film history something that seemed very far-off. As GLAAD said: “it’s our gay GONE WITH THE WIND!” - Although I personally think BBM most strongly echoes CASABLANCA.

- Oh and Nat, on a more trivial note ☺, what category (lead/supp) do you think Jake and his ZODIAC co-stars fit under?

JA said...

I love you, Nat.

Anonymous said...

All the ZODIAC boys are supporting.
Gyllenhaal was the marketing focus and while he’s the center of the last quarter of the film, he’s takes a backseat to Downey and Ruffalo during the first half. But, like say Emily Blunt in DEVIL WEARS PRADA, he’s always sneaking into the background of these early scenes with that perfect “Hardy Boys” enthusiasm. Both he a Downey Jr. are nod worthy in my opinion.
However, the most award-worthy aspect of the brilliant ZODIAC is it’s nitty-gritty detailed screenplay- hands-down.

Kendra said...

It's a really fabulous post, Nathaniel! Jake's a great kisser.

sora said...

Nat, you. are. GOD. (of people who isn't Jake.)

get real said...

This post is made of win, thank you, Nat! Sigh...I still totally love me some Jake!! He was great in Zodiac and Rendition (despite the bad reviews by so called "reviewers"). I am really looking forward to Brothers.

Matthew Rettenmund said...

I love this! This must have taken you forever!

NATHANIEL R said...

i don't know watching Jake kissing the time just kinda flew by...

daveylow said...

This should be made into a feature film by Michel Gondry.
Maybe I will write a story about this....

Cherita said...

You know, I'm an ass. I told people to come here and read this wonderful post, but I never thought to leave a comment myself! Anyway, I came back because I wanted another dose. Thank you for the beautiful Jakeness. You made my day, and now my evening as well.

Anonymous said...

First Jake is in SF but doesn't come to my birthday party, and now this! Photographs of him kissing people who are not me! Life is just cruel!

In any case, regardless of the individual this man is kissing, he needs to WORK MORE!

sass said...

Hi FEB,
I am really enjoying my first visit here.
Cherita thank you:)
The bidders who paid $20,000 to dine with Jake--proceeds going to ACLU--might ask him, if we beg, to demonstrate his kissing technique with one of them, while they take notes to bring back for all us Gyllenhaalics to drool over.
again loving this blog
sass

NATHANIEL R said...

welcome and please come again

Anonymous said...

jake is so cuh-yoot! i am so in luvv with him! if only I was in Donnie Darko, Proof, Bubble Boy, Moonlight Mile, Highway, The Good Girl, The Day After Tomorrow, Brokeback Mountain(Not as Ennis del Mar-as Anne Hathaway's character-not that i wouldn't wanna get naked with Jake!), Jarhead, and Rendition(does he kiss someone in that movie? lol). Just all the movies he kisses someone in. lol. My point? i wanna get down and dirrty(wanna get dirrty, gonna get a little more grroovay, wanna get dirrty its about time that i came 2 start the partay, sweat drippin over my body, wanna get dirrtin bout time for my arrival! lol) with jake! well at least makeout with him! or kiss him? how bout hug him???????? how bout i just luvv him from afae? we ALL know that I'm never going to kiss him. unless...i act in one of his movies! kidding ;D

Anonymous said...

you know what!...i think nobody can ever kiss like he does!..shit i would gve anythng fr his kiss!!

Katherine said...

Thanks for a real interesting and informative post on Jake's kissing techniques. I love to see Jake kissing in movies, its like a pre-requisite that should be negotiated in his contract - no kissing scenes=no movie.

Jake kisses like he's taking a long drink of water after a day in the desert. Like he wants to drink you in and he takes us along for the ride. I love all his kissing scenes especially Proof and Rendition (although it was filmed too dark). Each kiss in his films is different technique so am looking forward to seeing new ones. Good post.

Anonymous said...

haha the brokeback mountain one was funny

"hes nothing...hes nowhere"
made me giggle :D xxx