Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Actressexuality

Recently, during the umpteenth Oscar Best Actress discussion over at Nicks Flick Picks his partner Derek, continuously bewildered by our communal enthusiasm, quipped "Is Best Actress, like, its own sexual orientation?" After laughing out loud I had to face facts. This was a lightning bolt of truth.

I'm an Actressexual.

It explains so much. It explains those nights lying in bed dreaming, not of glistening male hardbodies but of actresses swathed in Valentino, Saab, Armani, and vintage whomever. It explains the shared lust, not for their tuxedoed dates, but for that gold statue. It explains the dreams not of Ethan Hawke but of Uma Thurman. I'd like to think my love for Michelle Pfeiffer transcends any sexual orientation but it probably explains that, too.

Come to think of it, it even explains Warren Beatty. Actressexuality defies hetero and homo boundaries. Beatty may have screwed everything with a vagina back in his Hollywood heyday but notice: the only serious relationships --Julie Christie, Natalie Wood, and Annette Bening-- these were women who had just been nominated for an Oscar. Or were named Madonna. But, readers, she somehow counts.

OMG. How am I going to explain this to my parents?



Tags: movies, cinema, actress, Academy Awards, film, Oscars, Warren Beatty, Uma Thurman, Annette Bening, Natalie Wood, Julie Christie, sexuality, Madonna, homosexuality, queer

11 comments:

Scott said...

:clap:

Bravo! Brought a smile to my face.

adam k. said...

How funny. Props to Derek for planting this seed. I sense that actressuality might be referenced now for a long time to come.

StinkyLulu said...

Golly. And even here, I end up being a pervert: I'm a Supporting Actressual...

Jose said...

So the fact that I love Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Garner more than my crushes doesn't mean I've gone straight?
Yay thank you Nat!

Anonymous said...

lol

Neel Mehta said...

Sure you don't want to use the term actressexual?

vince said...

I've had actressuality for decades. Thank you for the diagnosis. I have symtoms of Nicole Kidman, Annette Bening, Meryl Streep and I dare say Natalie Portman (though it's too early to tell). I'm glad there is finally a label for it and group therapy to help me through.

:)

NATHANIEL R said...

i don't know --what say you people.

actressexuality
or actressuality?

vince said...

#2: actressuality. (When you try to say #1, you're actually trying to say #2)

Jill said...

Forget your parents. Don't ever let James Dobson find out, or you'll set the gay cause back 15 years.

Vince in WeHo said...

I change my mind: #1.