American Idol: The Movie

I know this makes me uncool with tweeners & seniors but I don't get American Idol --or rather, I get it but I don't understand how it stays got. More popular every year even though it's 70% filler and there have been virtually no changes to keep it fresh. Its overwhelming success is bizarre.

So... in my valiant effort to understand the rest of the world's obsession, I'm viewing it through the only prism that ever makes any sense to me: The Movies!

The Film Experience casts..."AMERICAN IDOL: The Movie"

Taylor. My first thought was silver fox Richard Gere: Age appropriate and all. But, no, definitely too pretty. Another good lookieloo option? Joe Mantegna. But then I thought: This Taylor role is not only challenging acting & singing wise but you also gotta be able to do physical comedy. All that jerking around like you're Joe Cocker reborn or like Lily Tomlin's spirit has possessed one half of your bod--hey, wait a minute: Steve Martin! Sign him up. Pay him anything. Done.

Paris? Tough one. The actress has to be among the living (that rules out the Gilded Moose choice) and the right age range. We don't have that many African American pre-teen movie stars. [No means no, Dakota --please stop calling!]. I almost skipped this one but then a horrific memory came retching up.

Did you ever see Are We There Yet?. I saw it accidentally ("accidentally!" I repeat) and there's this scene where the little girl in the movie (Alecia Allen) does a hideous karaoke number at a birthday party. Ice Cube is her babysitter and he has to perform an excruciating reaction shot. His character must look really impressed with her character's performance. To add abject humiliation to this already embarrassing task, he even has to verify this delight audibly to himself --"wow, she's really good" or some such shit. There went that last tiny scrap of dignity he was holding on to since the heady days of Three Kings and Boyz n the Hood. Maybe a name change is in order: (Ice) Cube Gooding Jr.

Katharine. In the Idol vernacular I guess I have the "McPheever". She is hands down my favorite contestant this year, which means she'll be booted soon. One of the reasons I rarely watch is that America has horrid taste and they let the good ones go.

Hmmm. Let's see. We need an actress who can be nervous/vacant and always very very pretty while simultaneously projecting a complete lack of eroticism (perfect for that tweener/senior crowd). So, it's gotta be Katie Holmes. Very pretty but it's almost impossible to picture her actually having sex --even when she's simulating it onscreen. If problems crop up with Tom's approval Katie's availability, I'm all for casting Ginnifer Goodwin. She's a better actress. Although it is really easy to picture her having sex since she comes across as, well, a real person.

The real reason people probably watch this show though is the judges. Or more specifically the human train wreck that is Paula Abdul. You need a really top notch celebrity actress in this part. Someone who understands the precarious mental balance achieved by the perfect mix of pharmaceutical prescriptions + horny loneliness ÷ fading stardom. It has to be the Sharon Stone. Give her a tan, a dye job, and lots of screen time and maybe we got another Oscar nomination.

OK. I'm spent. I can't go on. The rest you'll have to cast yourself.


Randy, Simon, Ryan, Chris Daughtry, Elliott Yamin, and Kellie Pickler await your votes. Who should play them in this imaginary film? I await your genius comments...

tags: Paula Abdul, American Idol, Katie Holmes, movies, celebrities, reality TV, gossip, Steve Martin, Sharon Stone,Ice Cube