Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Ruffy the Werewolf Cuddler

JA from MNPP here. Perhaps you heard the news of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer reboot that was announced yesterday? Strangely it sounded just like a couple million geeks exploding. E! got a written statement from the man who made Buffy in the first place and has nothing to do with this reboot, Joss Whedon, and he made with the funny:

"Obviously I have strong, mixed emotions about something like this. My first reaction upon hearing who was writing it was, "Whit Stillman AND Wes Anderson? This is gonna be the most sardonically adorable movie EVER." Apparently I was misinformed."

He's referring to the new writer name-checked in the news, one Whit Anderson, whose IMDb page no doubt jumped about a billion percent in the span of a couple of hours. She's apparently a fan of the original series who came up with a "fresh" "funky" "fun" take. "This is not your high-school Buffy," exclaimed one producer! Well okay then! Who'd want that anyway? Pfft.

According to Anderson, she "will take the touchstones of the Whedon world but frame them in 'a new story' that is very much of the moment." Well as a fan - some might say fanatic - of Joss' show, I want to help Anderson out. Offer up some ways she can honor the show while making it new. Here are JA's rules for rebooting Buffy:

Because she is in the title, you've got to have a Buffy. But does her last name have to be Summers? I'd stay away from that. No Winters either. Stay away from seasons in general. And since this isn't our "high school Buffy," maybe she shouldn't be a cheerleader? She can't work at a fast-food place either. And no magic shops! Stay away from those. She shouldn't like to shop either, that's been done. And no dancing. No ice-skating. No climbing out her window at night. No crimped hair on a whim. No sudden disappearance of cleavage.

Under no circumstances can she have a sister that is a Key. Or a lock, or a door, or a doorstop, or one of those bells that jangles when someone comes through a door, or one of those sausage-shaped stuffed animals that sits at the bottom of a door and keeps out a draft.

As for her Scooby Gang (note: do not use the phrase "Scooby Gang"), there can't be a nerdy guy in love with her named Xander. Or Alexander. Or Alex. Or Al. Or Der. This non-character cannot live in his parent's basement, join the swim team, read comic books, or almost marry an ex-demon (you should probably avoid demons altogether). No librarians named Giles, or Rupert, or Ripper. You'll probably have to have a Watcher but call him or her something other than Watcher. Seer? Looker? There can't under any circumstances be a nerdy girl named Willow. No girls named Fern or Maple or Oak either. No variants of Deciduous. No Conifer. There can be no witches. There can be no lesbians. There can be no lesbian witches. You can however make magic into a drug addiction, because that was stupid.

Other names to avoid: Cordelia. Cordy. Mordelia. Mordy. Harmony. Melody. Harm. Parm. Oz. Ozzy. Fozzy. Fonzie.

Because they're in the title too there must be vampires. But she cannot fall for a vampire with a soul. Or a chip. She cannot be torn between two vampires or between a vampire and a werewolf - any attempts at Twilight-izing the Buffy name will lead to a rogue band of Buffy fans creating a time machine and going back in time to stop your parents from ever meeting each other.

No Angel. Angle. Spangle. Charlie Rangel. That last one just because that wouldn't make any sense. Why would Buffy take up with a disgraced Congressman? Tomfoolery. No Spike. William the Bloody. William the Lightly Salted. Bob the Builder.

There can be no Master or Mayor, no Glory or Adam. No Ruler or Governor or Splendor or Eve. No Summer's Eve. No Sunnydale. No Foggybog. No Hellmouth or Heckbellybutton.

There can be no musical. No music. No sound effects whatsoever. No dialogue. No curse of silence from fairy-tale goblins either! No lighting. No darkness either though, that has too many past connotations. No projected images on the screen. No actors, no director, no budget and no sets.

That about covers it. Good luck with your script, Whit!


jennypower said...

"...any attempts at Twilight-izing the Buffy name will lead to a rogue band of Buffy fans creating a time machine and going back in time to stop your parents from ever meeting each other."

Love it! Great post!

pomme said...


badmofo said...

"No Hellmouth or Heckbellybutton."

*spits drink onto monitor*

Drew said...

Honestly, I'm waiting to wake up, because this has to be a horrible, horrible dream. For a start, who thought it was a good idea to sign off on this?! Fans of the show are going to be offended, and non-fans on the show just aren't going to care. Where is the profit meant to come from?

The Jaded Armchair Reviewer said...

this will go over as well as an episode of "itchy and scratchy and poochie."


i can't even think about this. i hope it fails miserably.

Ryan T. said...

Um. Wow. This was a great entry. That is all.

Volvagia said...

Never watched the show but: STUPID MOVE. Rebooting a series that, by all accounts, ended on a good note for the fans, is the worst move ever. It's like rebooting Arrested Development, to cite another well plotted sacred cow of a TV show.

Daniel Armour said...

I wasn't in love with Buffy - Hell, I didn't start watching it until Season Five - but I loved Angel and without Buffy, there would be no Angel so that's enough of a reason for me to be against this reboot (that and the fact that it doesn't need to be rebooted in the first place).

However, what really has me against this is the clear money grab by the producers who didn't even support the T.V Buffy. These bitter jerks basically sat on their butts and collected money, while other people put their heart and soul into the T.V show. Now that the idea has some cache (and a significant fanbase), however, they suddenly seem to be interested. It's sickening.

Taylor said...

I just died inside when I heard this new. Fortunately, I was resurrected by this wonderful post.

P.S. Resurrection is also something they should stay away from. Faith in general is just not a theme that should ever be touched upon.

Philip said...

Omg, I am such a huge Buffy fan and I hadn't heard about this...when I read the beginning I was like OMGG!!! EXCITED! and then I kept reading and I was like Oh...=|

Ramification said...

Worst. News. Ever.

Ryan said...

sadly, i missed the BUFFY train but still really wanna catch up with it on DVD.