Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Tuesday Top Ten: Bite Me!

It's Halloween Week! Though a horror movie wuss I be there's one movie monster who I'll always give it up for, the vampire. Herewith: the film & television vampires who I would find most difficult to resist. (I've restricted myself to the past 30 years because there are too many I haven't seen from earlier... like those Hammer Horror films Matt was just talking 'bout). Should these 10 suckers ever come knocking, I shan't be wearing a cross, turtleneck or smelling of garlic.

I've already discussed Seline in Underworld and that hot Mexican in From Dusk til Dawn so I'm skipping them here.

10 Dracula (Gerard Butler) in Dracula 2000 (2000)
There are abundant lists of "best/sexiest vamps" on the net, but most of them go off in directions I can't support [cough Twilight... must everything be about page views? They twinkle. In the sun. Ugh]. But The Daily Beast makes a good point in favor of Gerard Butler: Ceiling Sex.

09 Lady Sylvia Marsh (Amanda Donohoe) in The Lair of the White Worm (1988)
Anyone remember Donohoe? I had a friend who was obsessed with her in the late 80s. And I like vampires to be as interested in their own cruel beauty and fashion choices as they are into their dietary choices. Plus: Ken Russell makes indescribably weird movies. Or at least he used to.

08 Armand (Antonio Banderas) in Interview with the Vampire (1994)
He really shouldn't be on this list since I hate the way they handle his character in the movie and I hate the wig, too. Mostly I just put him here to get back at all of the idiot strangers sitting in that multiplex with me in Utah, circa 1994. They ruined so many movies when I lived there. The conservative audience was super vocally terrified that Louis and Armand were going to kiss in their big invitation/refusal scene. Stupidly, in complete disregard for the tone of Rice's vampire chronicles, they didn't. The homophobic audience was hugely relieved but Armand was not. That Louis, such a fang tease. Now Armand will have to find solace elsewhere (<-- that link is NSFW but I laughed my ass off when I saw it so I had to share.)

07 The Count (Jerry Nelson) in Sesame Street (1972-present)
Ever since a certain episode of 30Rock last season, I've found it difficult not to envision people as muppets (was anything more hilarious last season than Liz Lemon's muppet walk?)...even myself. Plus felt fangs would tickle more than hurt and I'm not so much into pain.

I think with the reinvigoration of the vampire genre, more competitors for this list will soon emerge. I'm particular fascinated by the idea of Julie Delpy and Tilda Swinton in those competing Countess Bathory movies. Watching either of them bathing in virgin blood would be quite arrestingly cinematic, would it not? Delpy's movie must have been finished ages ago. What's going on there? Why haven't we seen it? It can't be as bad as her last journey into the supernatural.

05 Lucy Westenra (Sadie Frost) in Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)
Still one of the most spectacularly creepy vampires the cinema ever dreamt up. Thank you Francis Ford Coppola. She's game for anything with a pulse: demonic wolf men, crying babies, Winona Ryder. In fact, her appetite would make even the oldest vampires blush... and she's barely been turned. She's also on the list because her walk is more mesmerizing than most vampire's magical stare-downs. Bonus points: the actress slept with Jude Law for many years and who needs six degrees of separation when you can narrow that down to one?

04 Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgård) in True Blood (2008-present)
I'm still pissed they're not letting him play Thor. Casting fail.

03 Spike (James Marsters) in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (-1996)
I know a lot of people hate the way Spike took over the best television show of all time towards the end and I kind of did, too. But remember that episode when Buffy and Spike were having so much sex that the house collapsed in on them? So Much Sex. That wasn't the usual suspend-your-disbelief supernatural extraganza episode. That was a documentary about what it's like to have sex with James Marsters. I'm guessing.

02 Miriam (Catherine Deneuve) in The Hunger (1983)
I'm always horrified when she doesn't make best vampire lists in favor of sparkle-in-the-sunlight bloodless mouth breathers like Robert Pattison. Deneuve forever (which is what you get if you hook up with her as David Bowie and Susan Sarandon discovered)!

Also, to the best of my knowledge, Catherine Deneuve is the only actual immortal to have ever played a fictional immortal onscreen. Points for that.

01 Louis (Brad Pitt) in Interview with the Vampire (1994)
Sure, he'd be all tortured about it but it's not like guilt-ridden sex (aka all vampiric activity) is never hot. Plus, you already know how I feel about Brad Pitt and his little death.

Which vampires would you invite in?
Even if you're not into the bloodsuckers, play along in the comment. You need to get in the mood for Halloween.


Jose said...

You make excellent points about Butler and Deneuve (would've loved to see Frank Langella in there for camp's sake...).
But as far as vampire love goes I'm remaining faithful to Alexander Skargard's Eric.
I leave my window open at night in hopes he'll sneak in.
...although I could cheat with Evan Rachels Wood's "Queen" if she insisted, which I'm sure she would.

Carl said...

Drusilla, from "Buffy..." I continue to be fascinated by the 'detached from reality' lunatic.

And, for the blonde lover in me, there is always Angel's Darla.

Robert said...

Couldn't the list have said the cast of The Hunger? David Bowie and Catherine Deneuvre and eventually another as highly sexual, impossibly gorgeous vampires? To think I put off opening that DVD for almost three years with a cast like that.

Ryan said...

- here's mine...

01.“Count Dracula” (Christopher Lee) – HORROR OF DRACULA (’58)
- Huh… in a class all his own. Painfully handsome, mysterious and sultry… I’ve lusted after this Count since childhood. Those eyes--utterly spellbinding with their wicked ‘just-wait-till-I-get-you-alone’ intensity—never failed to get my blood rushing. Lee truly encapsulated the Prince of Darkness —and had an erotic lure like no other.

02. “Lucy Westenra” (Sadie Frost) – BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA (’92)
- an utterly irresistible cinematic creation indeed
03. “Deacon Frost” (Stephen Dorff) – Blade (’98)
– exuded ambitious, savage, red-eyed seduction
04. “Bill” (Stephen Moyer) – TRUE BLOOD (TV)
- I’ve grown quite fond of this dark haired beauty
05. “Miriam” (Catherine Deneuve) – THE HUNGER (’83)
- there’s just no resisting Deneuve. Ever.
06. “Caleb Colton” (Adrian Pasdar) – NEAR DARK (’87)
- a tabacoo-chewin, cattle roppon country boy turned creature of the night… mmmm
07. “Louis” (Brad Pitt) – INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE (’94)
- aside from the long hair he was flawless
08. “Dracula” (Gerald Butler) – DRACULA 2000 (’00)
- I’d be so down for ceiling sex
09. “Damien” (Peter Stickles) – THE LAIR (TV)
– the kinky head of a gay sex club. hmmm.
10. “Bride” (Monica Bellucci) – BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA (’92)
-would love a taste of those luscious, tempting lips

Anonymous said...

I miss stephen dorff!!!

but I`m fine with the rest...


Spartak said...


Agent69 said...

The greatest for me is definitely Catherine Deneuve in The Hunger.
But I just have to completely disagree on Pitt's position on this list. He shouldn't be close to making it to top 10.

Jay said...

Does Marilyn Chambers from David Cronenberg's Rabid count? I would invite her in.

Alexa said...

I'm all about Frank Langella's Dracula - stage AND screen versions.

Iggy said...

Last weekend I was babysitting my niece when she told me Twilight was the only vampire movie she had ever seen. After staring at her in disbelief long enough to freak her out a bit, we sat through Bram Stoker's Dracula. She thought Mina Harker was a bit dumb and she noticed Keanu Reeves grey hair changed from one scene to another before I did. She might not be unrecoverable after all.

I remember I went to see Interview with the Vampire because of the homoeroticism. I was disappointed, it was a maintream Hollywood movie after all. And though I think everyone in the movie tried to do his best, I found the only one who wasn't miscast was Kirsten Dunst. I guess only in Hollywood Pitt can find Cruise completely irresistible, while most of the world would think it should be the opposite.

steolicious said...

From that list... I would say Spike because you really get more than one bite, you get sex :)

Derreck said...

haha, i forgot all about "hot ceiling sex" with Gerard Butler. i approve. :)

but i'm not sure about Eric Northman. yes, Alex Skarsgard is unbearably hot, but i find Eric to be so irritating. He's such a (for the extreme lack of a better word) douchebag with not much redeeeming qualities.

i'd either replace him with other True Blood people like Pam, who i love to deat and who clearly enjoys being a vamp or Bill. Bill's a bit of a stiff, but any guy who can make a graveyard seem erotic, totally deserves to be on the list. He climbed out up from the grave, naked, and did Sookie right on the grass. One of the most hot/creepy scenes i've ever seen.

Anonymous said...

What about Tom Cruise as Lestat? I think he outshone Pitt, Banderas and almost any other member of the cast, except maybe little Kirsten Dunst


ferdi said...

what do you think about annabella sciorra in "the addiction" by abel ferrara?


blech on Cruise. he ruins INTERVIEW for me.

Richter Scale said...

Have we forgotten Eli from Let the Right One In? She's probably my favorite vampire of all time. I love the look that Lina Leandersson brings to the role, as well as the vulnerability she brings to this little girl who needs other people's blood in order to survive. There are so many ways to read this character, and that's why I think she's awesome. I was very moved by the story once more when I saw it a second time.



i was thinking i didn't have enough "recent" stuff on the list. But in trying to avoid TWILIGHT i shut out the actually great vampire film that's just as chronologically fresh.

pomme said...

Spike?! because Buffy!!(no more reason) and nothing is as good as a bad guy in love

Brook Brooks said...

Man. Catherine Deneuve. From The Umbrellas of Cherbourg to Belle De Jour to Hunger to Indochine to 8 Women to A Christmas Tale?

Brilliance. There is no other.

Groovy said...

I feel a little awkward saying so, (this list erring towards the classic), but I have to say Stephen Billington in Dracula II: Ascension is one of my favorite vampires. And how, or why, he had to morph into Rutger Hauer for the 3rd movie is beyond me.

Paisley Kirkpatrick said...

The best Dracula for me is Gerard Butler. It's his eyes and the way he can captivate his prey...


Groovy. I think i saw that one! Jason Scott Lee?

Chris Na Taraja said...

That is an extremely enjoyable top ten list. I love that you left 6 open!

Though I'm horrified that you put Pitt ahead of Deneuvre! Wow!

I would leave my window open for Stuart Townsend as Lestat from QUEEN OF THE DAMNED any night. Bestill my barely beating heart!

And Wesley Snipes! Remember, Blade is half Vampire.

Chris Na Taraja said...

I thought that Cruise would ruin INTERVIEW for me too, but I found his characterization Lestat good. When I read the book, I thought Lestat was such an asshole. Cruise brought a sense of humor and tease to it.

It was Pitt that I thought way to sour.

I'm sorry to say, to all of you folks who loved Kirsten Dunst, but both she and Antonio Banderis are TOO OLD!!! Claudia is 6 and Armand is 15. Both actors did a fine job, but it would have been more interesting to see the characters as written.

Pfangirl said...

Adding two more girlie vampires to the list:

1) Anne Parillaud's Marie in Innocent Blood.

2) Kirsten Dunst's Claudia in Interview with a Vampire.

I always fantasized that Michelle Pfeiffer would play a vampire one day, and I always pictured her either as something akin to Deneuve's vamp, or, in the role of Lestat's mortal-turned-immortal mother, Gabrielle.

Drew said...

Eric and Pam are certainly hot, but True Blood's most attractive vampire is definitely a three-way tie between Evan Rachel Wood, Jessica and Godric.

Now, if a certain maenad came through my window, I might be happy...

Klemen said...

Spike forever!:)But Eric is also kinda Spike-esque.

Also, I've seen The Countess (probably the first time in my life I'm able to see a movie before America, yay:)).It's definitely flawed, but nowhere near as bad as I feared it would be, based on imdb rating/comments.It's quite fascinating and doesn't leave your head easily.This kind of tale has obviously never been done before.And Delpy's performance-I'm not sure if she's great or not, but it's a memorable performance, you can't shake it off.At least that's how I felt:)Also, some scenes are more disturbing than anything Antichrist had to offer.Maybe because it's 'supposedly real'.But like Antichrist, it's probably a movie that should be seen, whether you end up liking it or not.

Groovy said...

That's the one! Jason Scott Lee plays some sort of priest/slayer who has a little of the vampire in himself. He joins forces with Jason London so they can do battle with a bunch of med students who decide to experiment on Dracula by way of injecting themselves with his blood. Had absolutely nothing to do with Dracula 2000 (which it was meant to follow). I found it oddly compelling for a direct-to-dvd film.

Anonymous said...

Kate Beckinsale of course! Selene is the real deal. She and Michael make the greatest couple though!

Nate Black said...

No mention of Sharon Tate? She's by far one of my favourites! And Cassandra Peterson as Elvira somehow seems to escape evvvryone's list... but not mine. haha.

DeviantDizzy said...

I would move Eric Northman up that list(Skarsgard is hot and he plays Eric to the T) - but besides that teensy flaw I like the list :) I'm sure the Twi-hards are frothing at the mouth to not have their boy on the list, but I for one, completely agree with that omission.