It's Halloween Week! Though a horror movie wuss I be there's one movie monster who I'll always give it up for, the vampire. Herewith: the film & television vampires who I would find most difficult to resist. (I've restricted myself to the past 30 years because there are too many I haven't seen from earlier... like those Hammer Horror films Matt was just talking 'bout). Should these 10 suckers ever come knocking, I shan't be wearing a cross, turtleneck or smelling of garlic.
I've already discussed Seline in Underworld and that hot Mexican in From Dusk til Dawn so I'm skipping them here.
10 Dracula (Gerard Butler) in Dracula 2000 (2000)
There are abundant lists of "best/sexiest vamps" on the net, but most of them go off in directions I can't support [cough Twilight... must everything be about page views? They twinkle. In the sun. Ugh]. But The Daily Beast makes a good point in favor of Gerard Butler: Ceiling Sex.
09 Lady Sylvia Marsh (Amanda Donohoe) in The Lair of the White Worm (1988)
Anyone remember Donohoe? I had a friend who was obsessed with her in the late 80s. And I like vampires to be as interested in their own cruel beauty and fashion choices as they are into their dietary choices. Plus: Ken Russell makes indescribably weird movies. Or at least he used to.
08 Armand (Antonio Banderas) in Interview with the Vampire (1994)
He really shouldn't be on this list since I hate the way they handle his character in the movie and I hate the wig, too. Mostly I just put him here to get back at all of the idiot strangers sitting in that multiplex with me in Utah, circa 1994. They ruined so many movies when I lived there. The conservative audience was super vocally terrified that Louis and Armand were going to kiss in their big invitation/refusal scene. Stupidly, in complete disregard for the tone of Rice's vampire chronicles, they didn't. The homophobic audience was hugely relieved but Armand was not. That Louis, such a fang tease. Now Armand will have to find solace elsewhere (<-- that link is NSFW but I laughed my ass off when I saw it so I had to share.)
07 The Count (Jerry Nelson) in Sesame Street (1972-present)
Ever since a certain episode of 30Rock last season, I've found it difficult not to envision people as muppets (was anything more hilarious last season than Liz Lemon's muppet walk?)...even myself. Plus felt fangs would tickle more than hurt and I'm not so much into pain.
06 PLACE HOLDER
I think with the reinvigoration of the vampire genre, more competitors for this list will soon emerge. I'm particular fascinated by the idea of Julie Delpy and Tilda Swinton in those competing Countess Bathory movies. Watching either of them bathing in virgin blood would be quite arrestingly cinematic, would it not? Delpy's movie must have been finished ages ago. What's going on there? Why haven't we seen it? It can't be as bad as her last journey into the supernatural.
05 Lucy Westenra (Sadie Frost) in Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)
Still one of the most spectacularly creepy vampires the cinema ever dreamt up. Thank you Francis Ford Coppola. She's game for anything with a pulse: demonic wolf men, crying babies, Winona Ryder. In fact, her appetite would make even the oldest vampires blush... and she's barely been turned. She's also on the list because her walk is more mesmerizing than most vampire's magical stare-downs. Bonus points: the actress slept with Jude Law for many years and who needs six degrees of separation when you can narrow that down to one?
04 Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgård) in True Blood (2008-present)
I'm still pissed they're not letting him play Thor. Casting fail.
03 Spike (James Marsters) in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (-1996)
I know a lot of people hate the way Spike took over the best television show of all time towards the end and I kind of did, too. But remember that episode when Buffy and Spike were having so much sex that the house collapsed in on them? So Much Sex. That wasn't the usual suspend-your-disbelief supernatural extraganza episode. That was a documentary about what it's like to have sex with James Marsters. I'm guessing.
02 Miriam (Catherine Deneuve) in The Hunger (1983)
I'm always horrified when she doesn't make best vampire lists in favor of sparkle-in-the-sunlight bloodless mouth breathers like Robert Pattison. Deneuve forever (which is what you get if you hook up with her as David Bowie and Susan Sarandon discovered)!
Also, to the best of my knowledge, Catherine Deneuve is the only actual immortal to have ever played a fictional immortal onscreen. Points for that.
01 Louis (Brad Pitt) in Interview with the Vampire (1994)
Sure, he'd be all tortured about it but it's not like guilt-ridden sex (aka all vampiric activity) is never hot. Plus, you already know how I feel about Brad Pitt and his little death.
Which vampires would you invite in?
Even if you're not into the bloodsuckers, play along in the comment. You need to get in the mood for Halloween.