Thursday, October 20, 2005

Upcoming Nightmare

I woke up this morning in a cold sweaty panic realizing this: Hilary Swank will be @ the Oscars (AGAIN) this year. To compound the terror she will be presenting Best Actor to Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

That moment will be brought to you live from the Kodak theater on my favorite holiday of the year (Oscar Night). I'll have to look at both of them at once. I will want to rip my eyes from their sockets rather than watch but i will not be able to look away. I will have no choice. It will be Oscar night. It will be my own personalized Apocalypse Now. the horror...the horror

Life is cruel.

23 comments:

JavierAG said...

Oh my God, Nathaniel! That was HILARIOUS.

But seriously... it's definitely the stuff nightmares are made of.

Hilary Swank... and Hoffman... with an Oscar... for a biopic. Eek.

In my book there has been only one semi-great biopic performance in the last couple of years and it was the venerable Bruno Ganz in "Downfall". WOW.

John T. said...

Ewwwwwwwwww! I hadn't thought of that yet, but you're right. And Ralph Fiennes, my favorite actor of the last decade will be losing to him-compound that to Kate Winslet and Annette Bening losing last year-it's disgusting! I think I'm going to vomit.

Anonymous said...

Your fears are unjustified Nathaniel.

When Hilary opens the envelope she will be forced to give the Oscar to Ralph Fiennes.

You can take that one to the bank.

Sleep well.

Anonymous said...

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when your pictoral evidence reminded me of this date with destinty.

[Shudder]

I'm going for a lie down.

Rob

JavierAG said...

Nat, this has nothing to do with anything (except whatever Swank has to do with 1999) but was I floating the other day or I actually came to your original 1999 Film Bitch awards?

In any case, I can't find the link anymore :( I don't even know how I found it in the first place.

NATHANIEL R said...

you know. that wouldn't surprise me. i'm sure there are old links somewhere with the site transfers. it's a gargantuan disorganized maze.

Anonymous said...

Just go to any old Filmbitch Weekly article (01/02) and click on "awards" on the sidebar, then a page will pop up that has the FB awards going back to '99 and a disclaimer for a '72 retrospective "coming soon" :)

Anonymous said...

That was...scary.

Seriously, though, I'm not at all convinced Hoffman is winning. Though I'd rather he win than Phoenix (I have seen both turns).

Anonymous said...

And...correct me if I'm wrong...do you not prefer Hoffman's Truman Capote to Swank's Maggie Fitzgerald?

adam k. said...

Phillip Seymour Hoffman is not winning. Period. He just won't. I cannot visualize the scenario.

NATHANIEL R said...

i do prefer Hoffman's Truman to Swank's Fitzgerald yes. But the actors themselves are easily both in my Bottom 10 List:

Actors Who Make My Skin Crawl

Melanie Griffith was the original founding member of the club. Nicolas Cage is also a member.

JavierAG said...

I suppose Z is another member....

and yeah, unfortunately Hoffman has already won the Oscar for "Capote".

(though my optimist side still prays for The Actor himself, Ralph Fiennes. I love you Ralph).

Anonymous said...

My Skin Crawls (TM) when exposed to William Hurt, Sean Connery, Natascha McElhone (she was TOO WELL CAST in Solaris, and I've never gotten over the freakiness) and Ron Howard. But Swank and Cage top my list too.

Hoffman I sorta get, but my skin itches rather than crawls. And in an odd way, I'm kinda OK with Griffith.

There. I'm done, and I feel better. Thanks.

Rob

Anonymous said...

Rob,

I'll take your list and raise you Paris Hilton (my nemesis), Paul Walker, and all of the other vapid and/or wooden twenty-something, good-for-nothing "actors," who still somehow manage to get work on the big-screen and torment me from the cover of legit magazines. Please make the lambs stop crying!

Marco

Anonymous said...

LOL! That was brilliant.

Although I don't hate Swank and Hoffman nearly as much as everybody who has replied to this thread (I liked Hilary in M$B, she just wasn't Oscar-worthy).

But I don't think Hoffman's gonna win. Just like you've said on the actor page, he seems more likely to be rewarded with a Supporting oscar. I don't know who's going to win, but I ain't sure about Hoffman.

-Glenn

adam k. said...

Yeah, seriously. Nominated, but no win. It would've been like Paul Giammatti winnning last year... and we all know how that turned out.

I don' t really hate Swank either. She was good in M$B, just not oscar-worthy, like you said... it's not her fault everyone kept heaping undue praise on her. What was she supposed to, refuse the oscar? Publicly turn it over to Annette Bening? Now that would've been even more embarrassing than her admittedly terrible speech.

Anonymous said...

If it were a perfect world Hilary would have turned it over to either Nicole Kidman, Kate Winslet, Annette Bening, Imelda Staunton or Julie Delpy in that order (that was my top 5 of last year)

Plus, I Swank's Boys Don't Cry perf is still fresh in my memory. I only saw that on in 2003! And Red Dust looks pretty good.

-Glenn

John said...

Why do you hate Hoffman so much, again?

NATHANIEL R said...

he's just a very spotlit member of the Hall of the Overrated is all.

plus he's creepy to me. no matter the role.

personal response.

adam k. said...

I agree with PSH is creepy (except for in Almost Famous and Magnolia). There's usually just this weird... bad vibe. Don't like it.
I'd be curious to see him or an interview or something, though, as his real self. If he weren't creepy to me out of character, I'd have a better time with him.

JavierAG said...

it's probably all psychological at the end, you know, the way we react to a certain actor.

Hoffman is... unsettling, and the most time just plain annoying.

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