I don't know how many of you caught my tweet a week back when I finally got through Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland (more on that soon if I can stomach it)...
..but the following three things are probably living in its toxic proximity. Sometimes I like to mush all the bad things together, roll them around in my mouth until they're one giant blob of suck, which I can then spit out and be done with. This is the way I deal.
Suck 1 Nicole Kidman signed to Cage/Schumacher Flick.
This was announced almost exactly 15 years after Batman Forever opened. Weirdness. If Nic' really wants to travel back in time to 1995, shouldn't she be thinking more along the lines of Gus Van Sant's To Die For?
It's evident to most thinking people -- those that don't reflexively hate on her at least -- that Ms. Kidman has great taste in art flicks and abyssmal taste in mainstream projects. The Latest Evidence: Trespass, from the makers of 8MM. It really shouldn't be this hard to choose your mall films inbetween the ones you're doing for your craft. If you're looking for something mainstream, cozy up to any number of respected directors who are mainstream at heart (or half the time) but still always shoot for art or quality. I'm talking about your Scotts, Scorseses, Spielbergs, Soderberghs, Finchers, Manns, etcetera. You might not get to be in a $200 million grosser but chances are, the movie won't be universally hated. But starring opposite Nic Cage with Schumacher directing you? Dear god, why? It's like asking for trouble.
Schumacher is capable of making a good movie (Tigerland) and Kidman already knows him (Batman Forever) but it's the combo of Cage & Schumacher. That screams BAD MOVIE. Nic Cage, my arch nemesis, already dragged Julianne Moore down with him (in the truly exerable Next) and now Nic' too? Who's next on his hit list?
Nicole and Baz in January 2002. Good times! --->
Suck 2 Baz Luhrmann still hasn't decided on his next project.
The Playlist acts like the abundant possibilities (The Great Gatsby, a Bollywood style musical, or a historical epic) are good things and he'll start filming in 2011 and maybe we'll even get a musical (!) If I know Baz this is not good news but bad, bad news. He's had two years of downtime and he still hasn't decided on his next project? He hasn't even narrowed it down by genre? There's at least three possibilities and likely more? That means we're at least a year away from a decision. Then someone has to write a script and then the studios have to decided whether or not to bankroll it and then Baz has to tinker with it endlessly in pre-production. It'll be 2015 before we get another movie. That's at the earliest and only if we're lucky. Mark my words.
<-- Joss with "Echo" and "Angel"
Suck 3 Continued MGM Fallout.
Joss Whedon's Cabin in the Woods is delayed again. It's not that I care so much about a 3D horror film but that I'm always rooting for Joss and whenever there are hold ups (as there continually are here and there will continually be on The Avengers) that means more and more time away from his true calling: series television. MGM's woes throw kinks in other things, too. The James Bond franchise was totally reinvigorated when Daniel Craig put on the tux. And just as it was worth caring about again... denied. That legendary lion hasn't roared in some time but the nostalgic part of this cinephile's heart really wants it, too.
Talk me through this sudden dark mood. What would you have Nicole Kidman do? Why must Nicolas Cage contaminate the filmographies of so many fine actresses? Will Baz ever get back to work? Will there ever be another 'Craig, Daniel Craig' Bond film? Will Joss ever realize that he should go to pay cable for a new television series?