Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Seventeen Years, Several Inches

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JA from MNPP here, with a fun factoid for y'all: Seventeen years ago on this day Lorena Bobbitt took matters into her own hands... and by "matters" I mean "her husband's penis" and by "her own hands" I mean "her own hands holding a carving knife." The rest is infamous tabloid history - the throwing of the severed member out a car window, the trial, the adult film Frankenpenis... sordid, so very sordid.

But an anniversary is a time to celebrate, not to judge, so here in its dubious honor are my five favorite castration scenes - favorite is such a relative term here, by the way - from films since the Bobbitt incident happened in 1993. (Actually strangely enough all these films are from the past 5 years.) Enjoy, with or without your hands protecting your nethers (I recommend with).


Sin City - Hartigan (Bruce Willis) literally rips The Yellow Bastard (Nick Stahl)'s yellow bastard-stick off with his bare hands. Manliness!


Hard Candy - Pretty people like Ellen Page and Patrick Wilson should not partake in antics as confoundedly cruel as this exercise proves. Just be pretty, people! A peck of pickled peckers Ellen Page has picked.


Hostel: Part II - The sequel that everybody loves to hate to the original film that everybody loves to hate basically ends its female-sided saga with an explicit castration gag. You know what they say - make 'em leave the theater with a laugh! Ha ha ugh.


Teeth - It's true! Vagina dentata! Vagina dentata! Vagina dentata! (Sidenote: the wonderful character actor Josh Pais, seen there above about to utter those memorable lines, just had a birthday on Monday! Everybody wish him a long healthy manhood.)


Antichrist - A little something for the ladies! Lars Von Trier's always got a little something for the ladies. If by "something" I mean "everything awful ever thought, captured so prettily," and obviously I mean just that. Heady times...
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13 comments:

James T said...

Lovely post (as disgusting as the subject may be) :p

MRRIPLEY said...

gross movies every1 of them

JA said...

Well I usually prefer my castration to be done tastefully too, Mr. Ripley, but ya know, those Hollywood people, with their Hollywood values, and all.

BeRightBack said...

No In the Realm of the Senses?! For shame!

I love Hard Candy, though.

JA said...

Realm's too old, BRB! I was going for recent movies. Otherwise no way no how this list would be complete without some Last House on the Left or I Spit on Your Grave action thrown in. But yeah that scene in Realm is... something.

paco. said...

Does Hard Candy really count? I mean, she just faked it, in Antichrist at least she smashed it, but still no snip snip.

Lovely post btw.

NATHANIEL R said...

don't even talk to me about IN THE REALM. the horror the horror

this post was hilarious JA. but after my post on Cocoon boners people will think something funny is going on at TFE these days ;)

BeRightBack said...

JA: Oh, I see. You're forgiven.

But just think, May 18 of next year is the 75th anniversary of the incident that inspired SENSES, you should start thinking of a good way to commemorate it!

There're many more Japanese movies than just SENSES dramatizing it, for example, you could have quite the mini-festival, serve Bloody Mary's with olive-studded celery stalks, etc.

JA said...

I guess we've just mistaken Gay Pride Month for Male Genitalia Month, Nat. It's certainly not the first time that's happened to me! ;-)

JA said...

I am SO having a castration party for that anniversary, BRB. Awesome idea!

homeslaughter said...

Goes to show that a good castration only helps a movie. It gave Hostel 2 a huge lift at the end. Wish they had added a couple to the Lord of the Rings movies, might have kept me awake.

Wild Celtic said...

@ JA - "I am SO having a castration party for that anniversary"

I now cannot seem to get my mind to stop thinking of great food ideas for your party. Hot dogs, meatballs, beanie weenies -
Thanks a lot! Ew, ha ha.

Bogong said...

And in the older films, there's "Cross of Iron" .... a German soldier forces a Russian woman soldier to "pleasure" him and unfortunately she uses her teeth ....