6:30 So Kevin McHale of Glee was very nearly the first person "E!" has talked to that I remotely cared about. He's wearing a yellow bowtie -- I almost typed yellow boytoy -- Weird. I blame Madonna.
Kevin named Sally Field as his celebrity crush (!) and Brothers & Sisters as his favorite show. I hope he was conveniently forgetting this past season because it blew.
Moments before Ryan Seacrest was actually wishing Emmys on the Jersey Shore cast. I am so embarrassed for everyone. E! should have rechristened themselves S! for Shameless or Stoopid long long ago. But at least they changed their red carpet people and got rid of the silver haired pancaked makeup person.
6:40 Claire Danes looking gorgeous with relaxed hair and shimmery gown. A Truth: I sometimes wonder what Angela Chase would think of Claire Danes. It's not that I get fantasy and reality confused so much as I just tend to prefer fantasy. Danes claims the only critic she worried about for this movie was Temple Grandin herself. Danes always strikes me as so fragile with all the tics and flinching that I imagine that bad reviews ACTUALLY hurt her, like cause blistering or some such.
6:45 Eva Longoria. That rumor she was going to play the Wasp in The Avengers was one of the darkest moments of my summer.
6:50 Jon Hamm (Mad Men) named Tatum O'Neal as his first celebrity crush because of Bad News Bears. That's so cute. She was one of mine, too. Only it was because of Little Darlings which scandalized me as a kid. Scandalized! But there's definitely a connection between being scandalized by someone and crushing on them, don't you think?
7:00 Ryan Murphy is wearing a blue tux and blue sunglasses. And he actually seems a little blue (mood not porny). Maybe he's less excitable in real life than he as a TV god. Because Nip/Tuck and Glee are nothing if not excitable.
7:01 January Jones is going to play Emma Frost "The White Queen" in X-Men: First Class which I think is kind of a brilliant casting decision. I understand the internet thinks otherwise but the internet is craycray
7:03 I'm not kidding you that this is what the E! cameramen did intermittently throughout Christina Hendrick's interview. Again: S!
or maybe E! is correct: E! for Exploitative. P.S. I love those Mad Men barbie dolls. I don't have Joan though. Just the Drapers.
7:12 Bill & Sookie (Anna Paquin) are now married. It's true. And yet they still have to answer constants nudity and sex questions on the red carpet. They're talking about their Rolling Stone photoshoot and how they covered each other's bit. One of the weird annual joys of awards season is watching Bill (I forgot his name. Deal) get embarrassed while talking about the sex scenes and use hand motions to describe body parts. Last year he used his hands, cupped, to demonstrate his butt pumping technique on the show. I kid you not.
Classy! But True Blood is A grade B trash and that's why we love it.
7:34 I'm so bored right now. I was all excited for about 41 minutes. But there are too many TV stars I don't care about. Like Juliana Marguiles. I have this fear that The Middlebrow Wife is going to win lots of awards tonight. It seems so Emmys.
7:52 Julie Bowen just said that her favorite shows on television are 30 Rock which she deemed an "old school" choice (... um, it's only been on for like four years. It's not like Law & F'in Order) and Project Runway her guilty pleasure. Meanwhile the reporter appeared to be headed to Las Vegas right after the show. A cut-out at your waist?
7:59 Billy Bush is TERRIBLE at his job. He really is. He's like "The Emmys" like that's as interesting as a message from their sponsors.
8:03 Opening skit. Glee themed. Gee, I wonder who will win tonight. Was that really Jon Hamm's voice just now? It's fun to see Dr Drew reunited with Liz Lemon but otherwise that number was atrocious. There were lots of pauses for laughter with no laugh track and (presumably) no one laughing. NEXT DAY NOTE: I'm reading around that net that people mostly loved this opening. Hmmm. The dangers of live blogging and divided attention?
8:10 Supporting Actor Chris Colfer, Glee | Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother | Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family | Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family | Ty Burrell, Modern Family | Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men And the winner is Eric Stonestreet. Yay!
So the straight man playing the gay man in the gayest category ever won. But he is truly hilarious on that show. "I ate the sun!"
8:20 txtcritic explaining The Bing Bang Theory to my clueless BFF "it's about three nerds that live together." That sounds unmissable! Modern Family takes another award for Best Writing in Comedy. Well deserved.
8:26 Supporting Actress Julia Bowen, Modern Family | Sofía Vergara, Modern Family | Jane Lynch, Glee | Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live | Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock | Holland Taylor, Two and a Half Men And the winner is... JANE LYNCH as expected.
She's so talented but I feel a bit bad for Krakowski who had her best season ever I think. Is she having a "rage stroke" right now?
8:35 Ryan Murphy wins Best Comedy Director Glee. He says the show is about the value of arts education. My friend (who watches Glee every week) "That sounds so interesting. I'd love to watch that show. What show is he talking about?" Ha! Something tells me that Glee has peaked. Even fans are mocking it tonight.
I should note that somewhere in there was a skit with the Modern Family cast that actually had a good 3D joke featuring Sofia Vergara's boobs. I feel certain that the entire camera crew of E! television guffawed.
8:40 Comedy Actor Jim Parsons, Big Bang Theory | Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm | Matthew Morrison, Glee | Tony Shalhoub, Monk | Steve Carell, The Office | Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock And the winner is... Jim Parsons.
8:45 Comedy Actress Lea Michele, Glee | Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine | Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie | Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreations | Tina Fey, 30 Rock | Toni Collette, The United States of Tara And the winner is... Edie Falco.
In her acceptance speech she says "I'm not funny." Ha. Well, that's true. But your supporting cast sure is. And Edie is marvelous on that show, don't you think? And even better: very little like her Sopranos self. That's range.
8:51 Top Chef wins Best Reality Series. I had no idea that Padme was this divisive but my friends all started arguing about her. There was only pure hate and big love. Nothing inbetween. Weird.
8:55 They keep showing Oprah commercials. We're laughing because we've decided that "Steadman" is the best fake boyfriend name since "George Glass."
9:00 Chris Meloni. I just had to turn the air conditioner back on.
9:02 Best Writing Drama for Mad Men. This is the lamest live blog ever. I apologize. The Emmys are somehow sucking the life out of me. Maybe it's because the awards have not been embarrassing. And the acceptance speeches have been very standard so far. And the hosting not inspired. So... uh... APOLOGIES.
9:04 Supporting Actor Nominees Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad | Martin Short, Damages | Terry O'Quinn, Lost | Michael Emerson, Lost | John Slattery, Mad Men | Andre Braugher, Men of a Certain Age And the winner is...Aaron Paul. I guess I need to watch this show. Aaron Paul looks like the tiniest person alive. A pocket Emmy winner.
9:10 Supporting Actress Nominees Sharon Gless, Burn Notice | Rose Byrne, Damages | Archie Panjabi, The Good Wife | Christine Baranski, The Good Wife | Christina Hendricks, Mad Men | Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men And the winner is...Archie Panjabi. I like her but it's not OK that Christina Hendricks lost when she doesn't even get nominated for each season. But Mad Men doesn't have much luck winning acting prizes, does it.
9:15 Lead Actor Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad | Michael C Hall, Dexter | Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights | Hugh Laurie, House | Matthew Fox, Lost | Jon Hamm, Mad Men And the winner is Bryan Cranston for the third time. Poor everyone else. This is actually why I've never been into the Emmys. It's like making your bed in the morning. There's always deja vu.
Beautiful gracious speech from Cranston, though. If there's a takeaway from the evening it's that we're all supposed to be watching Breaking Bad. I feel left out.
9:24 Jimmy Fallon just isn't funny. I think that's the problem. He's doing a musical In Memoriam to shows that went off the air. The lyrics were mildly amusing for the 24 spot. But otherwise I'm lost. And he's doing Lost "I didn't understand it, but I tried."
9:25 My best friend on Glee "If Glee loses, it will follow the storyline of the show. And thus, will only serve the show." Hee.
9:30 I forgot to mention that Dexter won Direction of a Drama. I feel like I am seran wrapped to a table right now and the Academy of Television is a serial killer ready to do me in. I'm so over this.
9:34 Lead Actress January Jones, Mad Men; Connie Britton, Friday Night Lights; Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer; Glenn Close, Damages; Juliana Marguiles, The Good Wife; Mariska Hargitay; Law & Order: Special Victims Unit And the winner is... Kyra Sedgwick
This will not help to free me up from the seran wrap.
I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on, yeah take it!9:36 I swear Jimmy Fallon is hosting this show from his basement. It's so 12 year old boy "funny" rather than funny.
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby. (break a..)
9:40 The Tonys just won something. My friend thinks that awards shows should be ineligible to win prizes at other awards shows. Listen, I love Broadway but seeing a Broadway show will not change your life. And as my friend Ed says "It'll change your bank account."
9:53 Ricky Gervais is SO funny. "Bucky Gunts" for the win.
9:55 I may actually expire before this show is over.
10:08 Julia Ormond just won Supporting Actress for a TV Movie Temple Grandin. They spelled her name wrong "Julia Ormand" and then she couldn't remember Catherine O'Hara's last name? A joke? I'm very confused right now. Earlier today I forgot the word to "balcony" I am terrified that I have Aphasia. Or at least I am terrified that awards shows have it.
10:16 Temple Grandin won another. Is that about a disease? I shouldn't joke about Aphasia. But I really did forget the word for balcony earlier. WTF?
10:17 Jewel is doing In Memoriam? But without an intro. I remember HER but I can't remember "balcony"
10:20 These In Memoriams are always so sad. Sniffle.
10:23 We're now eating Iceland skyr... it's a little mealy or chalky or something. Do not like. Sorry Iceland.
10:24 I have lost the thread.
10:26 Some time ago George Clooney won a humanitarian prize. He really is a great person. But my apartment -- I have a couple friends over -- we're now experimenting with cuisine and discussing the Scissor Sisters. I tried!
Look how A-MAZ-ING this photo is that my BFF took? The light is emanating from Jake Shears chest. It's not the first time. Light is also absorbed there. The light in my eyeballs.
10:30 Oh all right. If I must. Back to the Emmys.
Lead Actress Nominees Joan Allen, Georgia O'Keefe | Judi Dench, Return to Cranford | Maggie Smith, Capturing Mary | Claire Danes, Temple Grandin | Hope Davis, That Special Relationship And the winner is... Claire Danes.
Her acceptance speech was fun. I would quote it for you now but I lost the thread. I'll have to backtrack. But she was cute and, it's like, something Angela Chase would've said if she'd become, like, a tv star. For reals.
10:38 Lead Actor Nominees Jeff Bridges, A Dog Year | Ian McKellen, The Prisoner | Al Pacino, You Don't Know Jack | Dennis Quaid, That Special Relationship | Michael Sheen, That Special Relationship And the winner is... Al Pacino. I hate his hair so much.
BTW Latisse is probably loving how many opportunities Claire Danes has had to blink and coo at the camera tonight. Those lashes sure are lovely!
10:40 Yes, please wrap it up Pacino.
10:41 OMG. He is STILL talking? They would drown anyone else out with orchestra music.
Except maybe Betty White.
10:42 I am beyond TIME. I am now going to share a screencap that happened before Al Pacino won. Because I cannot be contained by time or by my own time stamping. F*** you 10:42 I am 10:36 or something. Take it. You'll take it and you'll like it.
10:46 I feel like if you add up all the times Tom Hanks has been on awards stages accepting prizes -- best miniseries -- you would equal my life. Or at least up until say high school graduation. He's logged years up there is what I'm saying.
10:50 So Claire Danes was just called "bottomlessly talented" does this mean her bottom is without talent? She'll always have her eyelashes.
LAST TWO AWARDS. YEEHAW.
Drama Breaking Bad | Dexter | The Good Wife | Lost | Mad Men | True Blood And the winner is... MAD MEN. Yes! Best show on TV. You know my feelings about it. January Jones is wearing a dress made of a blue chinese new year dragon. Shell breasts. How cute was that little exchanged look between the Drapers on stage?
Defending New York City champs 30Rock and Mad Men, both of which have won for every season aired (thus far), defend their titles. Will they repeat for their 4th and 3rd respective seasons? We'll find out in seconds.
Comedy Curb Your Enthusiasm | Glee | Modern Family | Nurse Jackie | The Office | 30 Rock
And the winner is...[nailbiter] Modern Family! Great great show. Yay. Deserved. So consistent and so beautifully executed and just, well, funny. And the award is called "Best Comedy"
10:59 Okay wow. So the awards went to fairly deserving things but Jimmy Fallon was terrible. I'm out.
The clear winner of the night is... (I think we all know).... Claire Danes. How soon does HBO offer her her own series?
11:54 OK. I really must sleep now but I just wanted to remind Sofía Vergara of her commitments.