Monday, November 30, 2009

Halfway House: Kristen Stewart Has a Sh** Life, Okay?

Halfway through the day, pause a movie halfway through. What do you see?

Every life choice has its ups and downs. So goes the life of the actressexual. If you champion and obsess over actresses as I have since I was a little boy then every, oh, three to five years you will experience the superstar rise of an actress that you find unsupportable and that you wish the rest of the world would get over. Behold my 2007-2010 model: Kristen Stewart.

53 minutes into Adventureland, Kristen craps on Jesse
Jesse Eisenberg: I think you're incredible.
[pause. inhale]
Kristen Stewart: There's a lot of shit in my life.

I'm not ready for this...
There are many reasons to hate Kristen Stewart so she didn't really need to add taking a dump on adorabnoxious Jesse Eisenberg's dreams to the list. Since the Twilight movies have taken over the world, we will surely be seeing Kristen Stewart in dozens of movies over the next 5 or 6 years. She'll be in demand for every role for a twentysomething.

I'm not ready for this.

How will I tell one character from the next what will all the shoulder shrugging, painful intakes of breath, hair stroking, and general twitchiness that define every Stewart performance? Someone help me see things differently because I know I'll be seeing a lot of her. What am I missing? Please tell me that she'll at least play Joan Jett differently than this because I really want to enjoy The Runaways next year. I love Joan Jett. And I don't really remember her as the mopey, shrugging, self-loathing sort that Stewart specializes in.

So, no wonder that Eisenberg runs to the arms of "Lisa P" (Margarita Levieva) in Adventureland. Anything to break the monotony of Kristen's mannered & mopey miserabilism. As for the movie itself, I'm glad that some people found it so moving and worthwhile but I felt largely indifferent to it, though I did admire its partial commitment to languid summer moods and the tiny sparks of humor. And I liked Lisa P and her bestie dance partner Kelly. Loved the T-shirts, too. And the Giant Ass Panda. I'd pro'lly cheat to win one of those, too.
*

43 comments:

Anonymous said...

ahhh, you poor baby.
Kristen is enjoying life.
Get over yourself and leave her alone.
She is great

Juno101 said...

Yeah, her mannerisms can get annoying but I think she can give good performances. Like in "The Cake Eaters" and "Speak". Overall, I think she's fine. Could be worse.

Dylan said...

You know I love you, but I do think it's a bit unfair to judge her after, what, three performances? Call me crazy, but I think she's suited for Bella (believe it or not, her portrayal is toned-down from the whinybitchness of the books) and I enjoyed her in Adventureland. :P

JA said...

Lisa P was that movie's saving grace. Otherwise blahs-ville. Don't even get me started on Jesse Eisenberg. UGH.

Jim T said...

I enjoyed Adventureland but I agree it's overrated. I'm so happy you hate Kristen though I just find her boring and not that talented.

Iggy said...

I've only seen the first part of the saga and on TV which isn't the best way to judge (though I think if this saga had been a TV miniseries the world woudn't have resented). It seemed to me they were both thinking they've signed for the franchise that will solve their future rather than creating complex characters. But to be fair to them, it doesn't seem their material is really demanding, either.

Maybe Stewart can be saved by Woody Allen and play one his neurotic young women in a couple of years. But on a second thought. No, I really love woody Allen.

RJ said...

"Maybe Stewart can be saved by Woody Allen and play one his neurotic young women in a couple of years."

Then how will Scarlett Johannson get work?

Kendra said...

I'm guilty, I have such a "miserable" crush on Kristen!

Flosh said...

Eisenberg is adorable.

Anyhoo, I liked Adventureland but would've preferred it not end with Eisenberg and Stewart reuniting in NYC. The rest of the movie was about, more or less, what a ball buster life can be, and finding some niche for yourself to be happy in. And then they tack on a fantasy happy ending. Bla.

NATHANIEL R said...

anon -- if it "got over myself" and my opinions i wouldn't be writing a blog so sorry ;)

juno101 & dylan -- perhaps i should see SPEAK before i make a final pronouncement but i swear to god if she plays Joan Jett with this much weakness I'm going to freak

Flosh -- exactly. i'm like whatthehell? at that entire epilogue.

but as usual Kristen Wiig can make me laugh while doing almost nothing. how does she do it?

Miss Tufsy said...

this is kind of a bitchy post. you may not like her, and it's your site. but do you have to be so snarky? i don't particularly like kristen stewart either but i don't want to read negative posts about people on a site i love to check daily. if i wanted to read this kind of stuff i'd go to perezhilton. no offense Nathaniel. I love your site and I may be in a bad mood but I don't think this was necessary or very insightful.

Joe Reid said...

Not only did I really love this movie, but I pretty much enjoyed Kristen Stewart IN this movie. Clearly, I'm part of the problem.

Also, given the way the Twilight fanbase has been directing their obsessions, I'm not sure if Stewart is the one who's going to be so omnipresent.

Kyle Pinion said...

Joe -
That may be true, but considering how awful an actor Robert Pattinson is, your scenario is far more frightening.

Erich Kuersten said...

Yeah, this aint quite fair. You're basing this on two roles, Bella and the Adventureland-ess, basically the same role. She's ADORABLE in IN THE WILD! She's adorable all the time, like a kitten you want to take home and put in a box and feed milk to.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Anyways, shout out to Mary Birdsong who nails the uptight yenta stepmom role perfectly in A-Land, I can tell you since I knows her that she aint like that in real life, da bitch's got range! She did a one-woman Judy Garland show off-broadway a few years back, but I wasn't allowed to go.

Lara said...

I don't see anything unfair in this post. As for her performance credentials, just youtube "kristen stewart bites her lip", that seems to be her acting shtick.

Dame James said...

I love Kristen Stewart and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I love super-stylized actors (hello, Bette Davis and Jean-Pierre Léaud are my two favorite actors ever) so seeing Stewart bring her trademarked Hand Through Hair move and lip biting to all of her performances is a plus for me. I love that she's been thrust into the limelight with Twilight and she still can't craft a soundbyte to save her life. For once we have a popular, glamorous and beautiful actress who is just as awkward as the rest of us are.

While my initial fanaticism towards her Twilight performance has waned considerably, I don't think it was entirely her fault (Hardwicke really highlighted hers and Pattinson's in-bred awkwardness in all the wrong ways). New Moon was an enormous step up from both the first film (she's considerably less fussy) and the book (I was dreading the endless amounts of moping the book portrayed; thankfully, the screenplay scaled them back and truly allowed Stewart to shine). Adventureland isn't her greatest performance ever (that's still Speak, the movie where I fell in love with her), but I love how enigmatic and indecipherable she is; Eisenburg may be in love with her, but it's not clear if he'll ever truly "get" Stewart.

Anonymous said...

for some reason stewart doesn't bother me. not anything less annoying than ellen page, anyway.

BrianZ said...

I have mixed feelings on her. Don't care for her in Into the Wild or the Twilight films (which I don't hate) but feel her mopey nature works better in Adventureland with all the other confused sad sacks. She has quite a few acting tics for sure but overall I don't dislike her as a rule.

GayAsXmas said...

I have a completely different reaction to Stewart. I actually thing she brings a level of no-bullshit charisma to the role of Bella in the first movie which grounds a lot of the romance in something approaching believability. I thought she and Hardwicke handled the character really well, especially in the first hour. It all goes a bit wrong towards the end, but she sold me on the soapy melodramatics of Twilight far better then the book did

FilmDr said...

I liked Stewart's work until I saw New Moon. That film did her no favors. She strikes me as talented enough to pull off Joan Jett.

Leith Q said...

I just think that she's absolutely wonderful and endlessly likable in INTO THE WILD. Who wouldn't have a crush on that girl? I think it might be a little to early to dismiss Kristen Stewart. Let's consider her material...Bella? She's not exactly a strong willed woman...Kristen Stewart can act if given the proper material.

Deivith Coast said...

I will start judging Kristen Stewart´s acting skills when she wakes up from her coma and starts acting.

She´s horrible in everything she does. And horrible HORRIBLE in every meaning of the word. Oh I wish she ends up with the same amount of hair as her stepmother, then we would know if she can do anything else appart from touching it!!

And thinking that young lost people are like her is so insulting!! I don´t want to know anybody like Stewart´s characters, I wouldn´t know what to do: kill her or trying to reanimate her? That´s the question...

Wake up Kristen! WAKE UP!!! You have a camera in front of your face for God´s sake!

And Nathaniel please keep on writing as you do, and do another post like this on Zellwegger and Swank! Love love love your blog!!

(Tough...I can´t help it...Antichrist is GORGEOUS!!)

Deivith Coast said...

I know it, I have a horrible English... I should just read...I hope you have understood something...

gduncan said...

anonymous-Ellen Page is not annoying. I hate when Kristen Stewart and Ellen Page are compared. They are two different types of actresses. I adore both of them, but I have yet to see Kristen star in a role where she is funny like Ellen has been. With Ellen, she has shown that she can be really funny (Juno,Smart People) or be really dramatic (Hard Candy,An American Crime). Hopefully when Twilight mania ends, Kristen can really spread her wings and get diverse roles.

Erich Kuersten said...

And P.S. as far as ADVENTURELAND, it's never a good idea to just show up at the doorstep of a girlfriend who left you and moved into the city. That's a TOWNIE MOVE, son. Like, here I am, allow me to sponge off you. Kristen Stewart would totally have some cool older guy with money at her beck and call, she shouldn't have to let herself be saddled with this dork who didnt learn his lesson from the first girl he "graced" with his affections

bubba said...

Haven't seen "adventure land", but I also found her intolerable in Twilight. Granted the material she was working with was complete utter horse crap, she didn't go herself any favors by not adding notes. In fact, her hospital breakdown in the first movie is still vivid in my memory as one of the worst performances of last year.

That being said, I thought she did a commendable job in "into the wild" as well. I don't have a strong opinion of her either way.. just thinks she's "meh". There are way more better actresses to obsess about.

Ben said...

Yes, the ending was so awful. I liked the movie pretty well until then. I do really like Eisenberg, even if he's played the same role in 3 movies.

Kristin.... I have very little opinion on. Could be more, but could be a hell of a lot better.

NATHANIEL R said...

I thought she was dreadful in Into The Wild as well.

so it's interesting to me that people who haven't liked her in other movies liked her in that one. To me, it was the same performance before I realized she only gave one.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget she held her own against Jodie Foster's cleavage in Panic Room!

Jennifer said...

i would have to disagree on this one!!!

i usually LOVE your choice in actresses...but i think your missing the mark on this one.

i believe kristen just withholds a special character that i have never seen an actress bring before. yes, she can over do the mannerisms character to character- but largely i feel she brings a subtly and deepness that just isn't seen anymore in young actresses anymore. she can deeply affect me with her acting, and make me feel a connection that is surely unique in a movie experience.

she puts a lot of intelligence and careful thought into her performances and i think she is also just figuring out herself as we watch her grow up. so lets not be too harsh, as she is getting there and beginning to take everything in stride.

so for now, im a big fan. her upcoming movies 'welcome to the rileys' and 'the runaways' will be superb!

Arkaan said...

I've only seen her in Panic Room and Into the Wild. I'm fine with her in those roles, though she was completely unremarkable in both. Haven't seen Twilight, and really cannot think of a reason to do so.

Iron Knight said...

Don't know why, but I have a strange crush on Kristen Stewart... but she's far from being a good actress...

Glenn said...

I liked her in stuff like Panic Room and The Safety of Objects, but since she's grown up I haven't really noticed her in anything worthwhile. Not even Into the Wild (although I hated that movie in general, so...)

However, I am open to liking her again. All it takes are the right projects.

Nate said...

um I don't really pay her much attention. So I really don't have an opinion on here.

The Know Nothing Know It All said...

She's so creepy, almost predatory, in "Into the Wild." And not in a good way. In a way that's tonally dissonant with the entire movie.

Calm Blue Ocean said...

I think we're finally going to see something different from her in The Runaways, because she basically did Joan Jett at Comicon, which took place in the middle of the Runaways shoot. The Twihards reacted to her change in behaviour with 'WTF IS SHE ON HEROIN??' while the Runaways fans noticed she had some Black Beauty tics.

Krystal said...

Kristen is horrible in every role she plays the same, although i do agree that i think her ridiculous mannerisms played well in Adventureland, given the nature of the character.
Her continuous blinking, her need to keep her mouth open constantly (someone ram something into it please), and the way she cant seem to keep her hand out of her hair (or other peoples, like she did in new moon, all make me want to jump off a cliff screaming "WHAT ARE YOU DOING KRISTEN!!"

with that said, i love kristen stewart and her no bullshit personality. i rather deal with emo actresses like her than the bimbos that get most of the spotlight. i think she can act when she seperates herself from her mannerisms, like in Speak or Into the Wild, or sometimes her mannerisms work best, like in In the Land of Women or Adventureland.

Twilight hardly calls for good acting so i will never judge her on that movie because its just completely cheesy movie. I still am inclined to believe she gave some sort of life to the worst character ever written in Bella Swan. it was hard reading the books, especially when that girl made me want to burn it after ever page, so at least Id have to say Kristens Bella is more enjoyable than Stephenie Meyers Bella.

bubba said...

"Into the wild" was the first feature i've seen her in... so maybe her mannerisms didn't trigger the :eyerolls: yet. It seems from other people's responses, her body acting is at least less aggravating when playing the trailer park emo chick strain of characters. Though of course if she continues to pull the same tricks in every role she plays, it will be hard to excuse.

Anonymous said...

If she never did Twilight, she would probably still be respected. Like Portman with Star Wars, she will have to reprove her self after this franchise ends.

archer said...

I’ve noticed her since Panic Room.
Your point of view is very funny but I don’t really agree with it. And Kuerten’ thought is also very…Like Sean Penn. I think she’s a “truth machine”. I would be very pleased if your nightmare come true : “will surely be seeing Kristen Stewart in dozens of movies over the next 5 or 6 years.” As for me it’s one of the most interesting young American actress. Her acting is may be more European in a way… so boring for some of you but not for me.

Alexa said...

She projects what it is to be an awkward preteen: wanting to crawl out of your own skin. Which is why the Twihards love her, but is also why we are annoyed by her. Who wants to remember being 13?

john wall said...

Kristen plays a lot of teen angst roles, similar to the 1980's movies like Sixteen Candles and Breakfast Club. I think she is very talented, but needs to branch out into new roles.

Wayne said...

Panic Room will probably always be her most important contribution to the movies. In a perfect world some genius casting director would've switched Kristen Stewart and Anna Kendrick's "Twilight" roles at the last minute.