Thursday, September 02, 2010

The Curious Case of Demi Button, the Blood Countess

Cele|Bitchy shared cel phone bikini pics of Demi Moore. Gawker, where I first saw these photos in a clueless* article on John Travolta, suggests that Demi is starring in her own real life adaptation of Benjamin Button.

But I think what we're looking at is a Countess Elizabeth Bálthory situation.This 47 year old superlebrity is obviously bathing in the blood of virgins.

I still haven't had an opportunity to see Julie Delpy's horror/bio/period film version of this tale, The Countess. None of the confusing and rare reports of the other film version (the one supposedly featuring Tilda Swinton) seem to give me much hope that it's actually not an elaborate internet delusion. But obviously this story should be able to resonate in our youth obsessed age where 50 is the new 40 and 40 is the new 30 and every single pitch meeting on the West Coat involves vampires.

Might I suggest an I'm Not There / Palindromes style interpretation where all of Hollywood's most mysteriously ageless women get a crack at the role? Or maybe they should just make an omnibus film I ♥ Bathory with, say, a dozen filmmakers doing shorts on the evil Hungarian royal that picked up the vampiric baton from Vlad the Impaler back in the day -- the day being the 16th century.

Three recent film interpretations:
Stay Alive (2
006), The Countess (2009) and Bathory (2008) starring Anna Friel

But which filmmakers could do that fascinating story justice in short film form? I'm going with Martin Scorsese because he's always a bit more unpredictable when he skews girlie (see Age of Innocence or Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore); Jonathan Glazer because he needs to work more and Birth proves that he knows from eery and disorienting psychology; Lynne Ramsay because some of those shots in Morvern Callar were downright spooky and hallucinatory while still seeming so grounded in mundane realities; Baz Luhrmann (Moulin Rouge!) because there are five operas about Báthory and one musical, and I'd love to see how he'd respond to the constraints of a short film.

Obviously I want this supposed 2011 version starring Tilda Swinton and Isabelle Huppert but it sounds way too good to be true. I mean, Tilda and Isabelle?! Simultaneously!??? Get real. You don't even need sets or costumes or other actors. You just need a camera since both of those faces just emanate Unknowable Unfathomable Unboring Psychology.

But play my little game anyway. Which director would you like to see making a short film about the 16th century female alleged serial killer / vampire ? Sound off in the comments. Don't even say Tim Burton. I'm warning you!

*Trust me, if this is truly the "worst kept secret" for decades now, Kelly Preston knows. I love that people pretend otherwise. It's so cute and reverse sexist, Hollywood wives as wide eyed innocents. Hee. Money... Money changes everything.

18 comments:

Simon said...

Who would be among the directors in Hypothetical Omnibus Film? In what format? A few moments in the many days of said Countess? Can one be claymation? Can Tilda star in all of them? Can there be a weird-ass steampunk one?

God, I wanna write this movie so bad now.

Simon said...

Who would be among the directors in Hypothetical Omnibus Film? In what format? A few moments in the many days of said Countess? Can one be claymation? Can Tilda star in all of them? Can there be a weird-ass steampunk one?

God, I wanna write this movie so bad now.

NATHANIEL R said...

DO IT. i love the idea of a claymation curveball right smack dab in the middle perhaps.

Fernando Moss said...

Can Luis Buñuel be revived to direct that?

If not I guess Aronofsky, Cronenberg, Campion, Lynch, Cuarón, Craven ann Taymor...

Fernando Moss said...

and maybe John Waters...

SoSueMe said...

Darren Aronofsky, Kathryn Bigelow, Guillermo del Toro, Robert Rodriguez, Brian De Palma, William Friedkin, Coppola...my first three picks are my faves.

SoSueMe said...

And why does Tilda look like a beige statue in that picture...I literally thought she was covered in paint.

CiCi said...

You think she looks great? I think she's a flu short of pulling a Madonna.

Dusty said...

I vote Julie Taymor. It'd surely look beautiful, and maybe if she were constrained to less than twenty minutes of film, the colored lenses and such wouldn't take over.

Second choice: Ridley Scott. Reunited with Susan Sarandon (nearly as ageless as Demi Moore).

Dusty said...

On second thought, swap those. First choice: Scott / Sarandon!

Paul Outlaw said...

Both Coppolas, Abel Ferrara, Fincher, Cheryl Dunye, Todd Haynes, Gus Van Sant, Greg Araki, Spike Jonze, Michel Gondry...

James T said...

1) Thank you(!!!) for this photo.

2) I reeeeelly hope it will happen. Can we threaten them or something?

3) Now, it's a hard qustion, since you are talking about a short movie but I'll try:

Brian De Palma

Haneke

Tom Hooper (because of his work in Elizabeth I, though that one wasn't short.. at all)

Jane Campion


Actually, I ingnored the "short" factor. Too hard for me to think that way.

NATHANIEL R said...

james t -- well campion (at least) makes brilliant short films so good choice.

sosueme -- perhaps she is a true chameleon and her skin tone has just adapted to the clothes and room.

cici -- i think most 47 year olds would kill to look like demi, yes. I think many 30somethings would probably kill to look like her.

chris na Taraja said...

I met Demi, and I'm sure she is bathing in the blood of virgins!! so funny.

Rahm said...

Can you imagine a movie with Swinton, Huppert AND Kidman ?

That would be like 3 dildos at a time.

7Bis said...

Ooh too many exciting names in one post - i'm almost too overwhelmed to think! But why not just go crazy and add some more visionaries to the pot - I'm thinking Guy Maddin, The Brothers Quay, Lucile Hadzihalilovic (if only on strength of the masterfully atmospheric and sexually charged Innocence). So that'd be the art direction sorted to within an inch of it's life so we'd need someone to just close in on those magnificent faces - How about letting Lodge Kerrigan loose to work some minimalist magic?

MRRIPLEY said...

JOHN WATERS!!!

f said...

The film also features actress Eva Basteiro-Bertoli, the role of "Anna Nádasdy és Báthory, eldest daughter of the Countess.