Monday, September 24, 2007

Lunchtime Poll: Your Audition

Audition sequences in movies are a dime a dozen but they’re strangely reliable for a cheap laugh (usually at the auditioners expense) and a way to boost the audiences cheerleading for the right candidate (usually a movie star) when they show up.

Today’s poll: If you were an actor, which movie moment or theatrical monologue would you use as your audition piece?

Break a leg! Really sell it in the comments


John T said...

Vivien Leigh in Streetcar: "No, Tarantula was the name. The Tarantula Arms."

Anonymous said...

I would use the best scene from "Passion Fish", aka the completely irrelevant monologue about anal probes. Brilliant.

Anonymous said...

Dave! I lurve that monologue. I find it shocking how often in my everyday life - particularly my working life - I have the occasion to say, "I never asked for the anal probe." :-)

Neel Mehta said...

If I were auditioning for a parody movie, I would memorize Ben Affleck's lengthy declaration of love from Chasing Amy and deliver it in my best Christopher Walken voice.

adam k. said...

Oh, I thought we were talking about which actual AUDITION scene we wish we could use as an audition ourselves. So I was all, "Mulholland Dr., hello!" The only other one I'm recalling is Michelle Pfeiffer in Baker Boys, but she wasn't even THAT good at her audition, she was just really sexy and the only one of the auditees who could sing. Oops, I think I just pissed off Nathaniel.

Anyway, since I AM an actor, I should have an answer for this one. But the problem with these is, you don't wanna do something that's great and well-known cause then you'll never be as brilliant as the actor who actually did it. Especially in a film, where it's been immortalized.

I do have a good monologue as Tom from Glass Menagerie, though.

Chinese Odyssey said...

Probably "The Story of Jerry and the Dog", from The Zoo Story.

Anonymous said...

It's a bit obscure, but I would go with Anton Walbrook's monolgue from The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp about how his family was torn apart by the war.

Dame James said...

Without a doubt, the "No wire hangers" monologue from "Mommie Dearest". That would be a ton of fun.

Danny K said...

Debbie Jellisnky's treatise on how she became the homicidal maniac she is today from Addams Family Values.

Joan Cusack has never been better.

"I was a ballerina. Graceful! Delicate! They had to go."

"'No Mercedes this year, Deb, We have to set an example.' Oh yeah- Set this!"

"Aren't I a human being? Don't I yearn and ache...and shop? Don't I deserve love...and jewelry?"

A M A Z I N G.

lawyer tony fernando said...

karen walker�s monologue:
It's the oldest story in the book. Boy meets girl. Boy wants girl to do dominatrix film. Girls says, "Naked?" Boy says, "Yeah." Girl says, "No way." Boy says, "Okay how about you just wear this rubber dress and beat this old guy with a scrub brush?" Girl says, "How hard?"

Of course I would finish with a martini and valium

Michael Parsons said...

I would have to get a partner and do the kitched scene between Col. Mustard and Mrs. White from Clue (I would be Madeline)

Colonel Mustard: Come on, there is only one admitted killer here, and it is not me it is her!

Mrs. White: Me? Why me? I've admitted nothing.

Colonel Mustard: How many husbands have you had?

Mrs. White: Mine or other women's?

Colonel Mustard: Yours.

Mrs. White: Five.

Colonel Mustard: Five?

Mrs. White: Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft strong and disposable.

Colonel Mustard: You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies.

Mrs. White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable.

Oh the brilliance of it all

Catherine said...

A serious piece: "It's a funny thing, a woman's career" speech from All About Eve.

Light-hearted: Rachel McAdams super monologue in Mean Girls, ending up with "...and now I guess she's on crack."

Sam Brooks said...

The car scene from The Devil Wears Prada. Or the cerulean scene. The latter is probably more appropriate.

Barry said...

Ellen Burstyn's impassioned monologue from Requiem for a Dream. Yes I know it comes from a woman's mouth, but holy shit. That's some powerful stuff.

Lyn said...

Parker Posey in Best in Show: "Teacher's Pet".

ak said...

I would get someone to come with me and slap me. In between slaps:

"My sister"
"My daughter"
"My sister"
"My daughter"


these are a hoot and a half.

dave and susannah i've also recited that scene more than I care to admit with friends! we laugh every time.

daniel i'm tempted to say i woulda nominated Joan Cusack that year. or she would've gotten close. that performance is pitch perfect comedy "what about debbie's needs?"

i love the line reading of "the man who makes me quiver under my bodice" hee

abhi i would hire you!

lyn have you seen the extended scenes on the guffman DVD? the audition is even funnier... if that's possible

Cinesnatch said...

Heather Chandler Vs. Veronica @ the end of the Remington party (both parts).

& Michael's monologue on his relationship with his parents in "Boys in the Band."

Anonymous said...

Parker Posey's deleted "Guffman" audition is my second favorite deleted Guest scene, second only to the beach ball collection from "Best in Show". Here it is:

Carl Joseph Papa said...

"You told Harpo' to beat me.

I had to fight all my life: I had to fight my daddy, I had to fight my brothers, and I had to fight my uncles, and I had to fight my cousins. But I never thought I'd have to fight my husband.

I loves Harpo, Lord knows I do but I kill him dead fo' I let him beat me."

and then cry...


NicksFlickPicks said...

For the one acting competition I was ever in, I did the Molina/William Hurt opening monologue from Kiss of the Spider Woman ("She's something a little strange—that's what you notice. She's not a woman like all the others..."). I keep the monologue memorized in case I can ever use it again, because I'm just a girl from a trailer park, y'all, and I want another trophy.

Eli said...

The "make me feel good" scene from 'Monster's Ball'. It may be risky, but the casting agent will like it...

Anonymous said...

I would use the inspirational, metaphysical speech from Cocktail about finding my flugelbinder. And then I'd spin a bottle, just to seal the deal.


Glenn Dunks said...

Someone should go into an auditon and perform Naomi Watts' couch scene towards the ends of Mulholland Drive. That'll catch the casting director's eye.

Perhaps I would use James Dean's "You're tearing me apart!" scene from Rebel Without a Cause. "You say one thing and then you say another."

Glenn Dunks said...

Oh! Or I could also use one of Gina Gerson's many fabulous monologues from Showgirls. "I don't want 'em to look like they're levatatin'" perhaps?

NicksFlickPicks said...

@Eli: "Make me feel good..." is an AMAZING answer. I am tempted to write 'LOL' for the first time in my life.

Anonymous said...

douglas took mine..."I Loves Harpo" et al....however, I have another yummy one....--------------
Ronny Cammareri: Loretta, I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this either, but love don't make things nice - it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and *die*. The storybooks are *bullshit*. Now I want you to come upstairs with me and *get* in my bed!

Anonymous said...

the final glenn close teardrop moment in dangeorus liaisons

any meryl streep moment from bridges of madison county

dolly parton singing 9 to 5 complete with boob enhancements

the sally field oscar moment

joan crwaford's entire life was an audition

faye dunaway in bonnie and clyde

Deborah said...

In the made-for-TV movie My Name is Bill W., JoBeth Williams, as Bill's wife, has a monologue at the end that I always thought was the perfect audition piece. I have no idea how I'd get my hands on it, but then, I'm not auditioning, so it's moot.

Anonymous said...

I think Miss Coco Peru was robbed of a special Oscar for her scene in the bathroom in the movie Trick. I'd use that monologue for my audition. "It burns Gabriel, it burns!"

Anonymous said...

It's not a monologue, but I don't care...

Trotter: Alright, alright. Now, Miss Vito, being an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me what would be the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bellaire Chevrolet with a 327 cubic engine and a 4-barrel carburetor.

Vito: It's a bullshit question.

Trotter: Does that mean that you can't answer it?

Vito: It's a bullshit question. It's impossible to answer.

Trotter: It's impossible because you don't know the answer!

Vito: Nobody could answer that question!

Trotter: Your Honor, I move to disqualify Miss Vito as a expert witness.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Can you answer the question?

Vito: No. It is a trick question.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Why is it a trick question?

Vincent Gambini: Watch this.

Vito: 'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55. The 327 didn't come out til '62. And it wasn't offered in the Bellaire with the 4-barrel carburetor til '64. However, in 1964 the correct ignition timing would be 4 degrees before top dead center.

Trotter: Well, uh, she's acceptable, Your Honor.

Anonymous said...

Jeffrey Wigand, when he learned over the telephone that the interview had been cancelled.

Sam said...

Vivien Leigh in GWTW: War War War, that's all you boys ever talk about. Why the war's ruined every good party this season!"

Anonymous said...

gwyneth paltrow in sylvia the confession "there's nothing behind my eyes i'm a negative of a person" speech,not famous but my god did she get robbed of a nom for that perf erased all my bad feelings over her 98 win, love her in the film or 00 ellen bustyn "i'm old" monologue to her son in reqiuem for a dream..

nojarama said...

Bette Midler's response in finding out that her ransom has been reduced in "Ruthless People":

"What is this the bargain basement?! I've been kidnapped... by... K-Mart!!!"

Glenn Dunks said...

"I've been kidnapped by K-Mart" is surely one of the funniest lines of dialogue ever, right?

Anonymous said...

sorry, can't resist - i needed to add another one....It's past ten. My daughter is in pain. I don't understand why she has to have this pain. All she has to do is hold out until ten, and IT'S PAST TEN! My daughter is in pain, can't you understand that! GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!

Anonymous said...

ok another sissy spacek in the bedroom " i don't know about you but i miss my son." i luv her in that film robbed in 01.

Anonymous said...

hahaha yesss kevin m. - i know a girl who uses that scene from my cousin vinny at all of her auditions hahaha.

If i were a woman I'd have to go w. Sally Field's lines about her daughter's death in Steel Magnolia's I lover her, more now than ever!!!


there's a lot of divas in the room

Anonymous said...

Don't laugh at me but I had to masturbate totally naked for an audition once (that was for a weird european play about an artist and his male and female lovers, and him finding his own voice)
I can't believe I did it but it wasn't that hard (no pun intended), that's the kind of thing you do when you're a teenager and you think you're a rebel lol