Recycled Experience: A History of Sharon Stone

Former ice-pick twirler Sharon Stone turns the big '5-0' today. So we bring you this 2 year old post for your reading pleasure. Hey, surely some of you didn't see it at the time...

I haven't updated the history because Sharon Stone has pretty much disappeared from the spotlight these last couple of years. But she's still working. She was in the Sundance entry The Year of Getting To Know Us with Jimmy Fallon and Illeana Douglas and her most recent project Five Dollars a Day (with Allesandro Nivola and Christopher Walken) is in post. Both films are low profile so if there is to be Stone revival it'll have to come from the star studded Dirty Tricks (from Ryan Murphy of Running With Scissors and Nip/Tuck fame). That film seems to have lost its lead in its long pre-production period --Meryl Streep was previously expected to play Martha "the mouth that roared" Mitchell in the Nixon era comedy -- but it still has some A list supporting talent ready to go. Will that film ever make it before cameras?

A History of... Sharon Stone

1958 God begins to plan ahead for Marilyn Monroe's death. Knowing that mankind will need a replacement blonde icon to obsess upon, he plants Sharon Stone in Meadville, Pennsylvania. Instantly cognizant of his mistake he overcompensates dropping Michelle Pfeiffer in Orange County and Madonna in Detroit later that same year. Whew, close one.

1964 Young Sharon announces that she plans to be the next Marilyn Monroe. Her mother nods knowingly, later declaring to the press that her child was "always posing."

1977 Sharon moves to her Aunt's place in New Jersey. God quickly counters, positioning Madonna directly in a taxicab in Times Square. Madonna shacks up with a musician immediately. Sharon, slacking, waits four days to sign up with a major modelling agency.

1980 Stone is spotted briefly / obsessively (but without dialogue) in Woody Allen's Stardust Memories, an experience she describes as "losing her virginity." She does not mean this literally [we hope].

1984 Stone appears in a TV film with Rock Hudson. Decides to ditch "the next Marilyn" goal for "the next Liz Taylor." God remembers he gave Stone a 154 IQ. He also thinks it a better fit but makes note to keep Liz alive as long as possible anyway. Sharon marries her TV producer and gets her first memorable gig in Irreconciliable Difference as a slutty actress with pit hair who stars in a musical version of Gone With the Wind [I'm not making this up...]

1985-1989 Stone finds herself in a slew of embarrassing B movies and the pits of career desperation...

1990 ...leading her to join the other Hollywood sheep in the throes of Scientology. Soon she lands a standout gig as Arnold Schwarzenegger's violent slutty wife in Total Recall. To seal her breakout bid she poses nude for Playboy. She tells the press it's because she needed the money. Always posing, she is.

1992 Michelle Pfeiffer turns down Basic Instinct. God relaxes: That Pfeiffer thing sure was a good idea. After the rest of the A-Listers follow suit, Sharon Stone grabs hold of the role of Catherine "F*** of the Century" Trammel with a fiery "last chance" commitment. White dress + dirty talk + uncrossing of legs = superstardom. In her most shameless PR pose ever she tells the press that director Paul Verhoeven tricked her into it.

1993 Madonna disses Stone on Arsenio Hall, implying that her breasts are fake. So Sharon shows them again, following up her smash erotic thriller with another one called Sliver. She plays with some Baldwin brothers' penis.

Then again, who hasn't?

1995 Still desperate for the fame she has already gained, she turns her ACTING up to 11 for Martin Scorsese in Casino. People say that the expensive gifts she gave to every member of the HFPA won her that Golden Globe but I think it was born of pity. Shouldn't you get some sort of trophy if you blow Joe Pesci onscreen?

1996 At the heighth of her fashion stardom, she attends the Oscars wearing a gap shirt and makes best-dressed lists. Entertainment Weekly, never one to avoid a bandwagon, names Stone one of the top 100 movie stars of all time. Shirley Maclaine and Catherine Deneuve, unlisted, are pissed.

1998-2003 Her star already on the wane, she marries Phil Bronstein and moves to San Francisco where she suffers a heart attack. She adopts her first child and names him "Roan". We can only hope that he has his dad's surname. Sharon divorces Bronstein. During this time she also suffers a brain aneuryism. [I could tie this all in to the Liz Taylor reference but this is nothing to joke about.]

2004 Sharon wins awards for her service to the gay and lesbian community . She then appears in Catwoman cancelling out all previous humanitarian efforts.

2005 Bored unemployed movie st Sharon Stone adopts a second child and names him "Laird Vonne Stone", poor thing. God, feeling guilty, vows to help him stay skinny and popular.

2006 In preparation for the release of Basic Instinct 2 the "Tour of Crazy" begins. There's plenty of posing. From there I turn you over to the tireless crazy train coverage @ The Gilded Moose.