Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Hump Day Hottie: Sean Penn

Of course this is who Nathaniel would have picked if he were available for this week's feature. As substitute guest-blogger, I am but the vessel of his will and word. In fact I resent the implication that I am operating from any other motive but th....

Holy gosh, that man looks so good in a suit. Not to mention in a tux. Oh, mama. Just seeing someone that legitimately talented with an Oscar in his hand, at the point in his career when he truly deserves one and for a genuinely strong performance—that alone is sexy. And the whole dark-hair, blue-eye thing! And such thick, gorgeous hair it is!

Sean even managed to hit all new levels of debonair handsomeness in this year's The Interpreter, a film that by no means belongs in his pantheon of bests (though, as usual, he's quite good in it). But let's focus on some real accomplishments. Despite the heavy threat of being upstaged by Nicole Kidman, by exploding buses, by the ungainly character name "Tobin Keller," and by Nic's completely ridiculous flute, Sean's hotness still saves the day, calming the ruffled feathers at the UN and making the world safe once more for white African liberal-radicals with bathetic personal histories. I mean, Ralph Fiennes is hot, too, but even he couldn't finish this job.

Another milestone of that Sean Penn fiyah: laid out on his 21 Grams hospital gurney, tubes in his nose, a surgical scar down his chest, marble-mouthed monologues about chocolate bars and stacks of nickels assigned to him as penance (for what, for what?), barely alive, badly in need of a shave, in no real shape for a camera and frankly looking like morning breath personified... Sean is still sexy. Just watch Denis O'Hare as Sean's cardiologist and tell me he isn't a little turned on.

And yeah, maybe Laura Linney's decidedly peripheral character in Mystic River seemed to find her inner Lady Macbeth a little suddenly, but really, can you blame her? (Funny, I don't hear her saying anything about "Unsex me here...")

Hot in and of itself: Sean does not hit hotel clerks in the face with phones, unlike my previous Movie Star BoyFriend (MSBF™). There was, admittedly, the whole pugilistic bad-boy married-to-Madonna phase of Sean's life, but this actually precedes his hotness. More than any actor in Hollywood, except maybe Viggo, Sean has revealed his scorching hotness only gradually. (Again, the simultaneous revelation that he was an even greater actor than we previously realized has played no small part in turning his Sexy Dial up to 11.)

Does Sean sometimes grow out the hair a little too long 'n' crazy? Maybe. Does he occasionally slide, particularly from the wrong photographic angle, a little too far into Razzo Rizzo terrain? Well, yes. Do you sometimes step back from his hotness and go, "The pointy brows, the hooded lids, the laser gaze—is Sean Penn a poisonous snake?" You might. But be cool. It is better when people don't look like just anyone else, right? And the moments of creepy/broody/seedy Sean only serve to reflect the glory of hot Sean.

Now, Nathaniel didn't leave very specific instructions, but I hope that he feels I have adequately explained his choice of Sean Penn as Hump Day Hottie. On a related note, there is still time to rent Dead Man Walking, Hurlyburly, The Thin Red Line, and The Assassination of Richard Nixon and Do the Right Thing in the Modern Actor poll. Just a friendly suggestion, a philanthropic tip from me to you.


Yaseen Ali said...

I got to ask Nick, are you as taken with him in I am Sam? :)

I kid, I kid.

This is probably the funniest blog entry you've ever written, especially the part about Penn's character in 21 Grams - "for what, for what?" Heheh.

NicksFlickPicks said...

Let's consider I Am Sam a conspicuous omission. In fact, let's just not consider it.

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