Thursday, December 28, 2006

Year in Review: Multiplex of Horror

What do big blue dragon eggs, a white trash Julianne Moore, super ex-girlfriends, frat boy male witches, and Natalie Portman's bald beauty have in common? They are all playing in my 'multiplex of horror'. My choices for worst movies of the year.

tonight & tomorrow: Worst Performances, Moments, Trends. And then, before y'all start hating on me for all the hating, I promise we get happy with praise. The "best of the year" hoopla begins this weekend.


Glenn Dunks said...

Firstly, you mentioned your cinema-going experience with Date Movie. I can one-up you on that. I saw Little Nicky (in a movie marathon with Bring It On and Looking For Alibrandi, two much better films) and not only were people laughing but CLAPPING! And, I quote, "Aww f**k man, that was a f**king pisser!" Me and my friend were scared for our wellbeing.


Completely agree on Freedomland (what a disaster, and a downright embarassing performance by Moore), Basic Instinct 2 (funny for the opening scene and then I realised "dear god, they're serious!"), V For Vendetta (that guy cannot direct a scene to save his life. Minute-long closeups of a mask?! Slow-mo action scenes? The best thing was when an Antony and the Johnsons song came on!) and Another Gay Movie (insulting threefold. a as a gay man, b as a film lover and c as a human being in general). The rest, I didn't see (or they're not out here yet).

For me, these were the worst
Footy Legends - The first and, as of now, only F I've given this year. Every single scene, character, action, piece of dialogue and plot development was a cliche in the 1930s and is just truly pathetic filmmaking. Disastrous.

American Dreamz - Let me tell ya. It didn't surprise me one iota to read that Paul Weitz had never watched a single ep of "American Idol" until he finished writing the movie. It's called research you dumb naffwit. Infuriatingly stupid.

Colour Me Kubrick - Sorta interesting for about five minutes and then it's stupendous ineptitude kicked in and John Malvokich was, like Julianne Moore, embarassing. I'm not sure I'll be able to watch him seriously again he's. that. bad.

Solo - A dreadful Project Greenlight film from Australia about an assassin deciding to call it quits (yeah, I know!)

The Lake House - Was just stupendously ridiculous and it never once crawled out from it's only selfindulged arse.

Plus, The DaVinci Code, Just My Luck and Book of Revelation are worthy of dishonours. Plus the ones up the top. Some real crap out there this year.

adam k. said...

Can we have actual FB categories for worst? Pic, actor, actress, et al? I think this year deserves it.

Alanna said...

I am so with you on V for Vendetta. I'm baffled by its considerable fan base. Besides all the weaknesses you mentioned, the film's attempt at edgy politics just doesn't make any sense. It's like the Wachowskis went to Dystopian Fiction 101 and then wrote a movie. Kind of like how The Matrix films are their interpretation of Existentialism 101.

Anonymous said...

I'm sad about the V for Vendetta non-love! I'm not sure why the politics are being defined as "confusing" -- it's an exaggerated version of what's been going on in the US, stripping people of rights under the guise of "for your protection." The spirit of the film seems very much in line with a lot of Ayn Rand's political beliefs as well, and reminds me at times of Atlas Shrugged with a healthy dose of 1984 thrown in for good measure.

Perhaps you're not a fan of the libertarian slant? The film certainly offered a viewpoint that differs from standard Hollywood fare, and I found it very refreshing.

The only thing I can agree on is that the violence was occasionally much too graphic.

Anonymous said...

I liked V for Vendetta, but your hatred for Lady in the Water makes me happy

My choices in Order of Sucky to "Good":
~ Lady in the Water.
~ The Da Vinci Code.
~ Freedomland.
~ My Super Ex-Girlfriend.
~ Material Girls.

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed 'V for Vendetta,' but am not fanatic about it. I watched it at home, didn't take it too seriously, and didn't have high expectations. I found it engaging.

Anonymous said...

The Lake House was pure magic. I loved the original Korean film too. You haters have no heart!

Anonymous said...

Yeah - I'm gonna defend V for Vendetta for a long time. I was astonished at how moving it was; loved the action sequences - Natalie Portman's never been better (though I hate her as an actress, so that may have something to do with it).

Glenn Dunks said...

Ugh, V was so confused with itself. Was it an action movie or a political thriller? Were the action scenes going to be in fast or slow motion? And, seriously, if your main character wheres an inanimate mask, it's just common sense to not have long closeups of said mask. Like... what's the use in that?

Alanna said...

I couldn't for the life of me figure what V for Vendetta stood for as a film. Its hero was a terrorist whose cause we were meant to feel aligned with, but at the same time the script seemed to be striking out at governments that terrorize their citizens. It was terrible for Britain to kidnap and torture, but OK for V to do the same thing to prove his point? Which was...? Well, which is it, Wachowskis? You can't have it both ways.

Anonymous said...

Seriously? The point was that yes - violence can be necessary and used for good. Not that it is always good or always bad. I'm not sure why you can't have it both ways - it's not as if the world operates on an either/or principle. Whether or not you agree with that point of view, I think it's an audacious one for a Hollywood film to take, especially in support of a film that it's explicitly pro-civil liberties.

As for the inanimate mask, again - I disagree. The visuals provided by that mask I thought were sensational. In terms of mood, it evokes the right amount of thrillerish tension. The mask itself was a great piece of cosutme design (and the climactic scene of the masked populace moving towards Parliament was one of the year's great moments).

The action scenes are the only ones where I have a problem, but even then, I am completely caught up in them in ways that I haven't been in a long time. Even Kill Bill's orgy of violence was nothing compared to the elegant fluidity of the Wachowski sequences.

Was it an action movie or a political thriller? I'd call it a politically oriented action movie. Right now, it's in my top five.

Glenn Dunks said...

I agree that the mask looked cool, but when you have an inanimate mask talking and they show the mask for a minute at a time it got chucklesome.