Wednesday, January 31, 2007

It Could Be Worse

I've been trying to dream up some Oscar related articles for y'all but I keep getting distracted by less boring subjects like: my sleeping cat, the dirt under my fingernails, whether or not I should shave my head. Still... a recent box office #1 position for a certain movie we'll call Something Nathaniel Would Never See Even If You Begged Him With Cash In Hand Because He Was Moronic Enough to See 'Date Movie' Last Year reminded me that it could be worse. The Oscar Race could be far less exciting. I mean here are America's vote$ for Best Picture of 2006:
  • Cars which is not even as memorable as a highly derivative movie about tap-dancing penguins.
  • The Da Vinci Code America's favorite mild as milk director Ron Howard and star Tom Hanks + America's favorite topic religion.
  • Night at the Museum
  • Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest the most successful commercial of all time. What is it advertising? Its own sequel. At least I think that's what it's doing because it's 150 minutes long and almost nothing really happens.
  • X-Men: The Last Stand a sequel that pees all over the franchise and characters but nobody cares because it has, like, cool CGI and stuff. Brett Ratner gets yet more credit as a hitmaker despite the fact that this movie woulda made $200+ even if my sleeping cat directed it.
What is wrong with people? That's just... It's just. Well I'll take the preachy overdetermined Babel, the dull but meaningful Letters From Iwo Jima, the hit and miss Little Miss Sunshine and the simplistic The Queen. I'll take them huge flaws and all. It could be so much worse. The Academy could actually listen to moviegoers. Then we'd all be in trouble. Saw IV would end up in the running for Best Picture next year.

Epic Movie made more last weekend than The Fountain or Marie Antoinette or Volver or Dave Chappelle's Block Party or The Last King of Scotland made in their entire runs.

Argh. I hate people.

What is wrong with me? Sorry. Where did this horrible mood just come from? My apologies. Carry on.

43 comments:

Kamikaze Camel said...

I really liked Cars AND Happy Feet, so ummm... yeah.

I really didn't like Night at the Museum though. That was plotless and so nowhere near as fun as it should have been.

Anonymous said...

If you want the public taking over, like seriously taking over, just watch the grammys.

16 year old blogger said...

Nat..watch this new Little Children trailer...AMAZING...but not as great as the first one...this one gives us more of what the movie is about with scenes that weren't in the movie...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=r0vYZYWIbzI&mode=related&search=

If it doesn't work just try pasting this on youtube.com....

daiblog - pecados íntimos trailer

J.D. Judge said...

I'm scared.

Uh, well... now to shatter any sort of respect or seriousness I might of had...

I thought The Da Vinci Code was pretty damn good.

[silence fills virtual room]

I feel sad and alone now...

THE ZIYI ZHANG BLOG-A-THON
2-9-2007
Click here.

Carl said...

Nathaniel:

I suggest that there might be a way for you to channel this ennui...come up with one of your patented contest ideas that allow us to share in the venting about where the American moviegoer's taste has gone.

I am somewhat self-serving in this suggestion - I like the contests every year and I have missed them this Oscar year. They are my second-favorite feature on the site (after the Oscar predictions page).

Go forth, be fruitful, and contestify!

carl said...

That Little Children clip is amazing!

goatdog said...

Two of my cats could have directed X-Men: The Last Stand better than Brett Rather. The third, I'm not so sure about.

Bruno Packer said...

The Brett Ratner film, X3 is the only one I can stand to watch from the trilogy. Sorry.

Alanna said...

Hello. Me average filmgoer. Epic Movie make me laugh and forget daily tedium of life, not so much The Queen. I hear The Fountain pretentious drivel. Last King of Scotland more news about terrifying decline of world. Get enough bad news from TV. Me like laugh. Me no like be preached to. Nathaniel stop calling me stupid or I crush now.

NATHANIEL R said...

Alanna, oh noooo. they've got you too. arggggghhhh

J.D. Judge said...

My brain has snapped.

" The angels are preparing for war. To not tempt the evil you cannot possibly understand. The valley will fill with blood, the sky with smoke. It is the feeling of darkness and despair that fuels the world. It needs it. The final days have been set in motion, and it is people like you that will be devoured by the abyss. Repent now! Repent for the end! Repent for the flames that will reign, for the evil that will control you. Do not stare blindly at the face of Lucifer, fight him! Do not fear! Do not quake! Your friends will die, your family will die, but you, you will survive. You will survive to see a world ruled by brilliant light and the beauty of a clean world. The world shall end, but another one will begin.

Repent. "

-The Apocalypse of Joseph of Niagara

Margaret said...

It is all that reality TV, numbing people's brains, so much so that they cannot concentrate for long enough to appreciate good movie making. They want quick fixes and the effort required to "get into" a good movie or indeed a good book is just too much.

My five cents worth.

Saw Volver yesterday and loved it. Penelope Cruz was radiant and I loved the cinematography, the plot and the lovely women.

Nick Davis said...

Even in that alternate universe, not all problems would be solved. Vote-splitting, for example: does Agnes Bruckner win Best Actress for being a werewolf in Blood and Chocolate or for seeing dead people in The Messengers? Which one of these is her Blood Diamond?

J.D. Judge said...

I don't think it's reality TV. This has been going on as long as people can remember, beyond "real" was in. But I'll admit it certainly amplified it.

I'm in a pessimistic emo wrist-cutting mopey 'stare quietly at the face of death' kind of mood.

This post could've started it.

I've been looking up things about the Mayan calendar, the apocalypse, Satan, the end times, Sheol, war crimes, human right violations, and I am holding you responsible, Nat. Don't worry.

Me no suicidal anymore. My family won't sue you.

How A Night at the Museum could make more money than 95% of the Oscar nominees is beyond me, yet it isn't.

Oh, and I have a Blog-a-Thon now. I knew I would.

ZIYI ZHANG BLOG-A-THON. February 9, 2007. Her 28th Birthday. I'm allowing anything about her in celebration of HRH The Princess of Asian Cinema. Gong Li is still queen. But Ziyi is still Ziyi.

Anything. Even slams. Spread the word. 2/9/07. A Friday. All day celebration. Join in. It gonna be fun.

Good grammer sucks.

I'm going to sleep now.

J.D. Judge said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Agnes Bruckner? Oh well.

She'll probably win for The Messengers only because it's more seen (I can assume). Blood and Chocolate flopped last week. But The Messengers could get some backlash for being The Grudge: Heartland. And the role is seemingly baitier in B&C.

But a better question is... Why the hell am I taking your sarcastic comment seriously?!?!?!?

J.D. Judge said...

Oh, and...

Happy feet sucked. But sucked while it was sort of good. B-/C+. It scared me in MANY ways including Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman undercover as a hillbilly penguins and Jennifer Tilly. Then there's the subliminal thing about homosexuality and birth defects. And then there's the band of closeted Mexican penguins. And then the environmental subplot. and the motage at the end with the UN and oil companys. And without a doubt, the random wide shots of the universe.

Scarier than Brokeback Mountain. [shudders]

NATHANIEL R said...

Nick,

you are too funny. Agnes Bruckner. I have to think that her Blood Diamond is the Messengers because you know... it is really difficult to convey your character while wearing werewolf yellow contacts. Those things are a bitch to act around

right said...

Shave your head! DO IT!

Anonymous said...

Here's the tragedy: There are hysterically funny *and* smart movies (i.e. any Christopher Guest film, etc.) that don't bank nearly as many millions as 'Night at the Museum' et al. In other words, you don't have to sacrifice laughs for quality (and vice versa).

Marco

Beau said...

You hit the nail on the head.

Anonymous said...

Can someone explain to me how can Epic Movie be called \"EPIC MOVIE\" when some of its spoofs arent even Epics?

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