Monday, October 16, 2006

Blogosphere Multiplex: The Gilded Moose

The Film Experience first discovered the hilarity of The Gilded Moose less than one month into its reign o'er the blogosphere's funnybone. The first link-up occurred on December 14th, 2005 with the Teaching Guide: Anne Hathaway in Brokeback Mountain. The funny has come fast and furious ever since. As an original member of 'The Loyal Order of the Gilded Moose,' I am super excited to bring you this inevitable "very special episode of..." the Blogosphere Multiplex Interviews.

10 questions with The Gilded Moose

Nathaniel:How often do you go to the movies?

Moose: Well, I see all the Jodie Foster thrillers because I enjoy watching someone terrorize her. I even sat through Flightplan which was unbearable because for most of the film she thought the Arabs in seats 4B- 4F were the terrorists when obviously Peter Sarsgaard in 22C was the terrorist. I mean, Peter Sarsgaard is always the bad guy. I also enjoy how they won't even give her a husband anymore. It's like too implausible that she'd sleep with a man so she's always just a single mom.

Other than that, my only rule for watching movies, is I won't see a film whose star has either a line of clothing at Wal-Mart. It's actually a valuable tool at the box office. Try it. It works everytime.

Nathaniel: Sounds like a smart rule. Since we're conducting this interview by e-mail do you have the proper firewalls in place? I don't want Sharon Stone trying to sabotage the film experience too! If she gets wind of what I thought of her in Casino...

Moose: I'm sorry but I can't talk about Sharon Stone and her evil minion Jeremy Piven's attempts to sabotage The Gilded Moose with their superior network hi-jacking skills. I can say, however, that we at Gilded Moose HQ are working on a laser-beam weapon so big and so terrible that it will most likely be able to cut through the 16 layers of crazy that surround Ms. Stone and finally destroy her.

See, I've already said too much. She'll most likely come after you now. I'd just hang myself in the oven immediately if I were you rather than subject yourself to her harrassment.

Nathaniel: oh for dark days ahead!

If you were to cast an apocalyptic thriller which actors (besides Sharon, duh) would you call to dramatize the end of all things?

Moose: Obviously Dakota Fanning would be involved in some fashion. Maybe Keanu Reeves? Bernadette Peters might sing something. Maybe a cute dog, too.

Nathaniel: Maybelline Honeycutt is totally hogging your Op-Eds. I imagine you know her very well by now. What's her favorite movie of all time? And what's yours?

Moose: Maybelline is an Op-Ed page hog, true, but she just has a lot on her mind. She's like Shakespeare or Aaron Sorkin that way. Maybelline doesn't like movies because there are always people 'talking about somethin' or the other in the talking pictures.' It pisses her off.

My favorite movie of all time is It's a Wonderful Life. I saw it recently on the big screen at The Silent Movie Theater and it is absolutely without question the best film ever made.

Nathaniel: Ah yes. Impossible to resist, that one.

Speaking of impossible to resist: Jake Gyllenhaal. You're awfully obsessed. Now Gilded Moose, noone knows your actual name. So tell the truth now: You're Heath Ledger, aren't you? ...or (gasp) 'Kiki' Dunst!

Moose: Well, to tell the truth I personally could care less about the guy (or any other celebrity for that matter) but I did a piece called "Breaking: Jake Gyllenhaal Steps Off Curb" and it was a big hit, and actually kind of set the tone for the site way back when. I know my readers enjoy him, so I'm happy to oblige.

I like those pieces a lot because, I mean, what could be less interesting than Jake Gyllenhaal getting a coffee or talking on the phone, yet, our culture has many, many magazines that are just that - without irony or satire, either. It' s like we've all become so painfully dumb - which is great because my site is pretty dumb and it means there is an ever expanding audience for me to offer up my medicore, recycled jokes to.

Nathaniel: So you don't deny that you are Heath Ledger!

Anyway, I get you. Moving on...What's the weirdest or most memorable thing that ever happened to you while watching a movie?

Moose: I just recently saw Monty Python's The Meaning of Life here at The Aero Theater which is on Montana Ave. and is very celebrity adjacent. Anyhoo, let's just say there was a Teri Garr incident. That's all I can say about that because you know how she is.

Nathaniel: I love it. This one will be tougher: Describe the following people in three words: Terri Garr, Brangelina, Annette Bening, Scarlett Johansson and Robert Downey Jr.

Moose: Terri Garr: Theater Seat Stealer
Brangelina: cupcakes, latch-hook, rickshaw
Annette Bening: Warren Beatty's Daughter?
Scarlett J.: lips, waffles, KFC
Robert Downey Jr,; Oprah, Oprah, Oprah

...perusing the above I'd just like to reiterate that I am a fully functioning member of society.

Nathaniel: This interview won't be printed on Nice Friday but which actors and actresses always bring out nice thoughts from you. Who do you love?

Moose: I have a little secret that I don't admit to anyone but I don't really notice much difference between most of them. Like people will be like "he's really amazing in this," and I'll think to myself "really? how can you tell?" Like Robert DeNiro. He always just seems like he's Robert DeNiro to me. That's the problem with living in LA. You go to see movies and often there will be a panel discussion afterwards with the stars and it's so dissapointing. It's like "so Christopher Walken, you're not talented at all, you're just really like that all the time." I mean, these people don't do anything except show up and be their crazy selves. I'm so jealous.

That being said, I like Drew Barrymore. I'll watch anything she is in, even if it's total crap.

Nathaniel: For an LA based site you throw in a surprising amount of literary references (people read in LA?!) --what book would you love to see as a movie?

Moose: LA is actually a huge book town, believe it or not. I recently saw Sarah Vowell speak here at UCLA and she said that she thinks LA is a much bigger book town than New York and I'd have to agree. Don't get me wrong, the people here are the dumbest you will ever meet, but we need something to do while driving.

I'd love to see "Confederacy of Dunces," which is my favorite book. I also wish someone would make "Carters Beats the Devil" which is a great book about a turn of the century Magician. It would be neat to see Ang Lee do Kazuo Ishiguaro's 'Never Let Me Go,' and not just because they're both Asian.

Nathaniel: The credits are about to roll. The Finale: They make a movie of your life...

Moose: Well, it'd kind of be like Schindler's List but with aliens and unicorns and a gumdrop river and it would rain puppies (but they wouldn't get hurt because the ground would be made of trampolines) and there'd lots of non-stop action but no one would ever get hurt because I believe in non-violence and Gandhi and Angelina --all that stuff. I'd like to be played by Clint Eastwood, obviously, and the film, The Gilded Moose in Paris, would be co-directed by Wes Anderson and a chimp.

Nathaniel: i am frightened.

Thank you so much. Merci. Gracias. Etcetera.

Moose: Thanks...that was totally fun.

Previous Interviews: Jay Lassiter * Dylan Meconis * Martha of Cinematical * Avi of ultranow * Rich of fourfour * par3182 of six things * "14" of Gallery of the Absurd * Ron of How to Learn Swedish in 1000 Difficult Lessons * Ron of Ron L'Infirmier * Thomas of Thomas & Co.

Tags: movies, cinema, Jodie Foster, Sharon Stone movies, cinema, Dakota Fanning, Jake Gyllenhaal, gossip,film, Los Angeles


Javier Aldabalde said...

That was the most hilarious thing ever.

Fanboy said...

Hmmm. Intersting article. I do know the Moose personally and I would say it's spot on, sort of, as long as you remove the referneces to Clint Eastwood.

poppedculture said...

Impeccable taste as always, Nathaniel. As a member in good standing of the Loyal Order of the Gilded Moose myself, I'm fascintated by the insight into his twisted humour. Thanks fot the great interview.

Anonymous said...

You forgot to ask him why he hates/loves Montgomery County, MD so much.


Glenn Dunks said...

Yes, The Gilded Moose is indeed hilarious, as was that interview. Especially the end bit about Schindler's List and gumdrop rivers and raining puppies and trampolines.

I too am of the Loyal Order of the Gilded Moose. It's a privelidge.

NicksFlickPicks said...

Up. Roarious.

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wuhooo! nice post here.. :)

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