Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Rowlumbusitis

You may recall that when Chronicles of Narnia came out I said barely a word or two about it. To me it was Insom[Nar]nia. Too inconsequential, pedestrian, and fluffy to think on for more than the time it took the credits to roll. It was infected with the dread "rowlumbusitis" ... a disease that infects family movies based on blockbuster books, Broadway musicals based on movies, movies based on Broadway Musicals, and Movies based on TV Series.

Reader: Hmmm. I have never heard of this disease. What are the symptoms -- Can I catch it?
Dr. Nathaniel: Inquisitive reader, take note: You can only catch this disease if you are in a creative field and you are naturally lazy or possessed of meager talent. The most common symptom is the cutting of corners when transferring beloved object A into new medium B or slavish dull recreation of object A with B's new toys. This disease is HIGHLY contagious. It can render you completely inept and, still, no one will ever punish you or cry for intervention or ask you to seek treatment. Object A is so well known that everyone will give you money for it in Medium B. Their pre-existent affection fills in any blanks in your mediocre transfer. A person so infected can work forever without anyone catching wise.

Reader: Is the disease mutating? Can it be stopped?
Dr. Nathaniel: It is not mutating. It's pretty basic and easy to spot. Although there is a sister strand called "lucaslucasitis" that primarily results in intense self-plagiarism and navel gazing, followed by a complete disregard for what made the belly worth looking at in the first place. Like an amnesiac masturbator.

Can the disease be stopped? I'm sorry to report that the prospects look dim.

Reader: I would hate to be a doctor. Seriously, can you enjoy anything without seeing sickness everywhere?
Dr. Nathaniel: Sure. Take Tilda Swinton --she swings a mean sword as The White Witch, now, doesn't she?

6 comments:

John T. said...

The second I read the disease, I knew that a Chris Columbus joke must ensue-if they ever have a conference for this sure to become celebrity cause disease ("Stop ruining our careers"-you know Nicole Kidman will be picketing), he'll most certainly be the key note speaker.

dusty said...

Dr. Nathaniel -- A superbly funny post, as always. But, I have to inquire: What are your honest feelings about the "Nine to Five" musical Dolly Parton's bringing to Broadway in Fall 2007? Love for the renders me blind, and I therefore refuse to believe it will suck, but...perhaps you should prescribe me a rowlumbusitis vaccination (just in case)?

dusty said...

Sorry, a correction: "Love for Dolly renders me blind..."

Kamikaze Camel said...

It's not like Dolly has that much to do nowadays so she can work on it til the cows come home.

Anyway, yeah, Narnia elicited a "whatever" reaction from me. Everything seems so C-grade LOTR. Everything from the costumes to the sets to the acting (other than Tilda who was fabo) to the "feel" of it all. I just did not care. Plus, every single one of the kids pissed me off. The girl was too cute, the other girl was annoying, the young boy was stupid stupid stupid and the older boy was just BLAND.

The whole religious allegories didn't even bother me because I just didn't care. But it was so freakin' obvious.

Ramification said...

This is the funniest post-ever, and coming straight after the hilarious A History Of Sharon Stone ... keep up the good work, you keep making my day :)

Witchiepooh said...

Nathaniel: I've been a lurker at your fantastic site, and more recently your blog, for a looooong time. I've been meaning to create an account and respond to one of your witty postings for a while now, but this one finally pushed me over the edge.

Anyway, after reading it my first thought was: Thank the film-gods for Peter Jackson.

As for Chris Columbus...I'm a pretty big "Harry Potter" fan, but I despised the hack job of the first two films. At least now they're making some effort to create films versus bland/loud book carbon copies. The funny (or not so funny thing) is that I know many HP fans who love the first two movies because of how "true" they are to the books and complain about "Prisoner of Azkaban" and "Goblet of Fire." ... anyway, well said, Doc.