Friday, February 27, 2009

77 Appropriate Ways to Celebrate Elizabeth Taylor's Birthday

Be great. Be beautiful. Ride a horse. Get married. Get divorced. Act like a total diva. Wear something spectacularly sexy, preferrably white. Make people want more.


Befriend Michael Jackson. Watch Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? again. Watch National Velvet. Watch A Place in the Sun. Be highly quotable. Get married. Flaunt every piece of jewelry you own. Donate to an AIDS charity. Nurse a sick friend. Get divorced. Show everyone your wicked sense of humor. Fall in love with Montgomery Clift in glorious black and white (any of his movies will do). Ask your best friend to refer to you as "Bessie Mae" for the rest of the day. Get married. Scream "I was the slut of all time!" at the top of your lungs. Survive the loss of someone you loved no matter how hard that is to do. Pretend you've won an Oscar. And another. Drink people under the table. Love dogs. Get married. Polish her star at 6336 Hollywood Blvd. Watch Cleopatra... or at least half of it (okay, maybe a third). Get divorced. Read Elizabeth. Watch the original Father of the Bride. Get married. Get divorced. Get remarried. Get redivorced. Buy a pair of violet contact lenses. Let your passions rule you. Play a game of ping pong.


Don't take yourself too seriously. Role play "Liz and Dickie" with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Get married. Be fabulous. "Tell mama all". Name a perfume after your favorite thing. Gain lots of weight. Watch Giant. Watch Suddenly Last Summer. Watch Reflections in a Golden Eye. Steal something from someone who reminds you of Debbie Reynolds. Descend into "erotic vagrancy"! Give them something to talk about when you leave the room. Photoshop yourself onto the cover of 14 People magazines. Invite people over and play "get the guests" or "hump the hostess", your choice. Watch The Flintstones. Watch Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Watch The Taming of the Shrew. Imagine how Sherilyn Fenn might play you in a TV movie. Study Kabbalah.


Be sexy. Seek a voice role on The Simpsons. Work towards making lots of "all time greatest" lists in whatever it is that you do and actually deserve the honor. Make the world a better place. Get divorced. Go to a gay bar with friends. Jump on a plane to Hawaii. Excite the tabloids. Be legendary. Have a tracheotomy. Survive pneumonia. Have a hip replaced. Have a tumor removed. Survive cancer. Throw your back out. Call yourself "Mother Courage" and mean it. Survive everything.
*

30 comments:

Catherine said...

Wow. I loved this! You should do something similar for other star's birthdays.

Aaron said...

You left out shouting "Gladiator!" in that joyous way...

NicksFlickPicks said...

You are such a genius.

I loved this so much more than the opening to Trainspotting, I can't even tell you.

Violetta said...

This was beautiful. Thank you.

Katey said...

Yes, Aaron, and giving the entire Hollywood Foreign Press a heart attack by pretending to open the envelope early.

Victor S said...

Can we please please please get one of those on Meryl,s Birthday??

Jer said...

That was fantastic!

It reminded me of one of my favorite 'Gilmore Girls' interchages between Lorelai and her mother. Her mother was stressing out over what to wear on a date while wearing her silk slip. Lorelai replied, "Just wear that and tell him you're obsessed with 'Butterfield 8'."

I think I may stay in my underwear all weekend to honor Miss Taylor.

Erich Kuersten said...

All of us Pisces are depressed during our big birthday season (it's our nature) and I'm sure Liz would appreciate this ode just as much as I do. Damn right, Liz never takes herself too seriously, even when confessing watching Sebastian get ripped to shreds by cannibal boys, or asking Marlon Brando "Were you ever taken out into the street and beaten by a naked woman?"

Cal said...

Happy Birthday Liz!

I'm exhausted reading the list, never mind achieving it. Total legend.

NATHANIEL R said...

Cal... you're exhausted reading it. I was exhausted typing it. Exhausted but exhilirated. I love Liz so much and it's sort of a personal mission (albeit lazily unfufilled one) to get more people into her filmography. She's so damn watchable (the most important attribute of any movie star)

I hate that people would rather talk about any new celebrity with one or two movies behind them than LIZ freaking TAYLOR.

But oops "don't take yourself too seriously" today.

Happy BDay Bessie Mae.

aaron I KNOW. I was trying to think of a way to include it and ran out of years ;)

Fox said...

E.T.'s horse ridin' pants in Reflections in a Golden Eye are amazing!

Paul Outlaw said...

"Tell Mama, Nat. Tell Mama all."

NATHANIEL R said...

My mama couldn't handle it. Mother Courage she aint. ;)

Karin said...

I love Elizabeth Taylor. She's one of my favorite actresses and there is truly no other star quite like her. I'm gonna go watch "Elephant Walk" now. I have already seen the other movies you mentioned on the list... ;)

Kent said...

YES YES YES to ELIZABETH TAYLOR !

Liz and I share the same birthday, except I was born in 1990.

Love her work, even the so-called terrible ones. She inspired me to act.

NATHANIEL R said...

kappy birthday Kent!

billybil said...

Ah glorious Elizabeth! Thank you so much for this wonderful and fitting tribute! God she is such a dame and then some!!!

I cried in Junior High when I couldn't find the right words to explain to by best friend how Elizabeth Taylor deserved his admiration and respect.

She is the GREATEST STAR - her acting, her beauty, her personal life, her courage, her riches, her tits - what a natural wonder and we have been so blessed to have her around during our lifetime!

Yes - everyone should watch an Elizabeth Taylor movie once a week so they can keep glamour in their lives!

77 - my God - with all the years and years of health challenges I hope she doesn't suffer too much! Oh how I do wish she could have kept acting longer!

Anonymous said...

Just watched CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF this past weekend, just as hot as they come. Treasure her ya'll, she may well be our last Great Star.

VAL

Lizluver said...

NATHANIEL R - what a great article and a exceptional tribute to my favorite actress!! What a life!

Of all the negativity we hear about the economy along with the doom and gloom that implies - it is nice to be reminded that we are all strong and can survive anything.

This made my day!

Pax Romano said...

Wonderful salute to the Last Movie Star.

Long Live Liz!

Kent said...

Thanks Nat! Liz is the stuff of legend...

Kamikaze Camel said...

Nat, I guess you chose the "Be legendary" option to celebrate Liz's birthday huh? Also, "Steal something from someone who reminds you of Debbie Reynolds" was absolutely brilliant. Although the whole thing was, really.

She made it easier though by being married/divorced so many times.

Jim T said...

I actually did celebrate Liz's birthday! I went to a gay bar. Well, you had a lot of alternatives, so I couldn't not do any if these. :p

Anonymous said...

That's really 77?! How about that?

NATHANIEL R said...

anon 3:00

i am nothing if not obsessive about the details

woodstock said...

viva elizabeth taylor!

the only movie i remember watching with her is "who's afraid of virginia woolf", but i don't think i'll ever forget her performance, it struck me for weeks.

Sam said...

I put on a slip and wrote "no sale" in lipstick on the bathroom mirror.

Sam said...

And a fur.

NATHANIEL R said...

Sam if you really did that i will love you forever.

Wayne B. said...

Before I was five I spent a lot of time with my granny, we spent a lot of time watching old movies and The Golden Girls (my OGT). Her favourites were Greta Garbo and especially Elizabeth Taylor. A true movie LEGEND - beautiful inside and out. More than that though she is a true survivor, taking whatever comes at her and emerging stronger and more beautiful than her. When she leaves, that will be the true end of an era. Hopefully we'll find the fountain of youth before that time though.