Friday, August 29, 2008

What I Learned On My Summer Vacation - Adam

Adam of Club Silencio here. This summer I reaffirmed my ambivalence to most summer movies. I reaffirmed a few other things as well...

The Strangers
Horror characters will never learn... at least not until there's a plot point to guide them. In this era of genre self-awareness, it seems odd that potential victims still don't get the concept of sticking together, or picking up anything nearby just for its stabbing potential. In doubt, you take things off the walls and chuck them like there's no tomorrow - because, hello, there might not be! I'm talking children's art, decorative plates even... Scott and Liv, just because you're pretty doesn't mean you get to stand around being useless. Not without nude scenes anyways.

The Last Mistress
Catherine Breillat is a vampire... Now the second film of hers to advocate blood drinking. It's not Anatomy of Hell memorable, but Asia Argento's a force to be reckoned with here, with or without menstrual tea. I think Breillat tried teaming up with Lipton, but they're going to stick with chamomile.

Sex and the City: The Movie / The X-Files: I Want to Believe
Sometimes TV is better on TV... I couldn't help but wonder... was Sex and the City worth it just to see Charlotte Poughkeepsie her pants and Carrie beat Big with a bouquet? Yes and no. It's harmless, it's flashy, and pretty much nothing worthwhile happened plot wise so as to ruin the show's legacy. I guess the same can be said for Mulder and Scully, only even less happened and audiences seemed to forget there was such a legacy. The impending crossover will hopefully correct this. Charlotte sets up playdates with Scully's alien offspring, and Louise from St. Louis falls for Mulder because they both really believe... in love.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Loving Woody is unpopular... Also, finding innuendos with that name is still remarkably easy/shameful. I'll happily defend Woody Allen through all his ups and downs, mainly because his ups are so unforgettable. So Cassandra's Dream is like having someone else tell you about their dream. No one cares. But Vicky Cristina Barcelona is a like taking a revitalizing trip, with all the sensuous sights and sounds, and Javier Bardem is your slutty tour guide!

Pineapple Express
It's possible to hot box in a theater... and you don't even have to supply the weed. It's like that quote from Beyond the Valley of the Dolls: "In a place like this you get a contact high!" You better believe the potheads will unite for the stoner movie of the summer. It's almost like seeing a movie with a laugh track, because even if nothing's happening, someone there thinks it's the funniest thing they've ever seen.

To sum it up: Stay in school or in Spain, and don't let Catherine Breillat fix you that drink!


Michael Parsons said...

I fly to Spain tomorrow! Heeeeeee. And I have only seen one of those films (Sex and the City) 'Bad Movie Goer'. I heard a rumor that J-Hud is in talks to play the lead 'The Missy Elliot Movie'


mp if you find a slutty tour guide who looks like Javier Bardem please share details

adam i think we learned many of the same things during the summer, particularly about woody. but that's a lesson i'm happy to relearn each year ...

that said, i agree with his naysayers in that it might behoove him to take a little more time with his screenplays these days (you can sense sometimes that with another pass they'd truly snap) but then again, there's something really comforting about KNOWING that each year will have a new film. Would that more world class filmmakers had innards made in Swiss watch factories.

re: the last mistress. Clearly there's no chance of themed Happy Meals™ but i love your idea for a tie-in.

Adam said...

True enough about Woody Allen, Nat. The scripts could use some tinkering. Even a solid effort like 'VCB' has that tricky narration among other things. Still my anticipation always grows, and next year we get more Patricia Clarkson and even some Larry David!

Oh the day when we get Breillat Happy Meals!! Can you imagine that girl from 'Anatomy of Hell,' complete with garden instruments? And of course 'Fat Girl' all pouty faced. Pull her string and she calls you a slut! In French of course.

Anonymous said...

Advice taken! I'm staying in Spain! ;o) but no sign of Javier Bardem in my neck of the woods... I guess he eschews the Alicante beaches in favour of more glamourous ones... :o(