Totally Gratuitous Jake Gyllenhaal Post

Hump Day Hottie: Jake Gyllenhaal
10 Reasons to Love Jake
Dedicated to the 11 people who remain Jakenostic.

1. Full, brown, stylish. Want to run your fingers through it?
2. The eyes: adorably deep and twinkly orbs of emotion.
3. Light downy arm hair. Plus the toussling of one's own hair. G-Rated Autoeroticism --perfect for the whole family.
4. Broad shoulders. Maybe not so evident in this pic but we've seen proof in Brokeback and Jarhead.
5. This is a T-Shirt. It's presence in this picture seems totally unneccesary but maybe he's planned ahead?
6. Muscle. [cue: Diana Ross tune]
7. Treasure trail --has any portion of the physique ever been so appropriately nicknamed?
8. *ahem* moving on...
9. You can pretend this is your hand. Jake is accomodating that way (see also secret purpose of #5)
10. Everything about this picture is designed for your viewing pleasure. This is true of virtually any photo of Jakey-Poo. He's not just accomodating. He's kind. He's a gift that keeps on giving.

External Jake-centric posts for your viewing pleasure this fine Wednesday: The Gilded Moose * The Bosh * Brokeback Blokes * My New Plaid Pants * Defamer *


Consider this the last episode of the first season of Hump Day Hotties. That's right. Film Experience's regular Wednesday feature is going on hiatus. Gotta keep mixing it up, you know. Mr. Jake Gyllenhaal was an easy choice to send us off as he's obviously the most celebrated hottie of the past year. The kick off of my Tuesday series 'A History of...' started with the Gyllenhaals and that's the most often visited post of this blog's entire history (Followed closely by 'She's a Bitch @ The Movies' and the Oscar night recap ).

How about that?

Hump Day Hotties has been a Polysexual Blog Offering. The 24 episode first season featured Group Action Capote Boys, Viggo & Maria , ABBA, Fiennes & Weisz, The Men That Got Away, Wet Movie Stars Men Bernal, Bloom, Murphy, Craig, Rhys-Meyers, Penn, Kaneshiro, Gunn Women Li, McAdams, Madonna, "Starbuck" , Newton, Béart, Streep, "Selene" and the uncategorizable "Lady Tottington"

B For Box Office

I'm not really a box office guy (readers: no duh) but every once in a while I check in on it, just to see what hijinx the American people are up to. Whether they're conspiring with Hollywood's dullest minds to destroy the cinema or perhaps disobeying ad budgets and giving marketing execs heart palpitations, etc... Here's what people are flocking to in 2006

1 Ice Age: The Meltdown $118+
2 The Pink Panther $81+
3 Eight Below $79+
4 Failure to Launch $79+
5 Big Momma's House 2 $69+
6 Inside Man $66+
7 Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion $63+
8 V for Vendetta $62+
9 Underworld: Evolution $62+
10 Curious George $57+

My first reaction: I thought everyone hated Underworld and The Pink Panther? I guess not. And I can't resist: All of these films, even Curious George are more popular than Crash was last year --and yet, the media kept telling me that that was this huge audience favorite. Like a Big Fat Greek Wedding or something. Curious George Media! I sometimes don't get these things at all. Your thoughts?

A History of... Bunnies

It's Tuesday. Time for "A History of..." This is a special holiday edition. Easter arrives this weekend. In honor of that fluffy Spring holiday of new church clothes and brightly colored eggs, The Film Experience goes all sentimental with those hopping cutie-patooties with the big floppy ears.

A History of Bunny Rabbits in the Movies

1928 After a legal dispute between creators, Walt Disney abandons the lagamorphs for the rodents, replacing Oswald the Lucky Rabbit with his veritable doppleganger Mickey Mouse. Bunnies have cuter ears but Mickey's round black ones make a smashing corporate insignia. Score one for the mice.

1939 Rabbits hijack old school classic Of Mice and Men. The title suggests rodents but the plot gives you fluffy rabbits that need tending.

1940 Oswald should've taken that left turn at Alburqueque. It's Bugs Bunny who emerges from a hole to achieve glory for all rabbit kind. After the release of A Wild Hare Bugs continually battles it out with Mickey for top dog --er, animal status in popularity contests.

1942 Bambi premieres sending the bunny cause back a decade. The culprit? The fawn's annoying chatty sidekick "Thumper". Bambi's mother is quickly and sadly dispatched. Unfortunately Thumper lives.

1945 Gene Kelly dances with a mouse in Anchors Aweigh. Three years later his rival Fred Astaire dances with a stuffed bunny in Easter Parade. Though yours truly far prefers hot-footed Kelly to smooth gliding Astaire, it's clear who won the top dancer spot in history. I blame the choice of dance partners.

1950 You don't even have to see bunnies to love them: Six-foot tall Harvey makes a box office splash with his more visible co-star Jimmy Stewart in this comedy classic.

1951 The White Rabbit with a clock fetish lets a young girl know she's not in Kansas England anymore. She's Alice in Wonderland. But that's pretty much all this hare is good for. He's late. He's annoying. Given Rabbit mating patterns, he's probably related to Thumper.

1957 Rabbit Fever reaches its peak. 'Wascally wabbit' Bugs proves so popular in Knighty Knight Bugs that he wins an Oscar. Simultaneously Oscar's favorite gal, Katharine Hepburn, plays a character named "Bunny" in Desk Set. Shortly thereafter Bugs tops even himself in the all-time classic short What's Opera, Doc?. His one career regret? Despite his penchant for drag he peaks before the Playboy Bunny costume is popularized three years later.

1961 Clark Gable gets all bloodthirsty towards the bunnies in the elegiac film The Misfits. The mood of movies also turns against our long-eared friends.

1972 B movie Night of the Lepus stars giant ravenous mutant rabbits and hop-starts a long period of hard times for hares.

1975 Kicking the bunnies when they're down the Monty Python troupe humiliates them twice over in The Holy Grail: First with a trojan rabbit and then by defaming the character of the valiant white rabbit guard of the cave of Caer Bannog as a creature "so foul, cruel, viscious, deadly" and "bad-tempered." The entire species shudders with fear as the Python troupe shares with world audiences the secret fool-proof bunny killing method: holy grenades.

1978 It's droopy eared depression for all in Watership Down.

1987 The bunnies just can't catch a break. Fatal Attraction is a huge hit. An innocent family pet suffers an ignoble fate at the hands of wild-haired Alex Forrest (Glenn Close). It's bad enough for a bunny to be boiled alive. But being served up in a pot as a plot device to turn audience sympathies towards a lying cheating skeeve like Michael Douglas?! Oh, the humiliation.

1988 Who Framed Roger Rabbit breaks the 30 year run of bad cinematic luck. Hares of the world rejoice as Roger Rabbit scores one for the team. You've seen his wife, right. Roger and Jessica make for the hottest interspecies romance of all time.

I know what you're thinking pervs but listen up: Bugs Bunny & Elmer Fudd do not count. It was never consummated! Elmer filed for an annulment every time. Bugs Bunny was a fraud. We hear that Renee Zellweger has purchased the rights to Fudd's life story and hopes to play him in a biopic.

1998 Sensing that lagomorphs are hot again, Angry Alien debuts on the internet with its insanely popular "30-Second Bunny Theater". Their first short? The Exorcist in 30 seconds (and re-enacted by bunnies). They've gone on to re-enact many more movies. Another Internet Flash animation star has also emerged since then: Any Winfrey's yummy "Big Bunny".

2001 Bridget Jones has an embarrassing Playboy Bunny moment to add to her Diary. Meanwhile Jake Gyllenhaal meets "Frank" in Donnie Darko, the scariest onscreen rabbit since 1975 and the tallest since 1950. With Frank's haunting commands of destruction and his way with portals and time travel you'd think he could've done something about Alex Forrest back in 1987, though.

2002 Eminem plays "B Rabbit" in his pseudo biopic 8 Mile leaving himself wide open for 'tricks are for kids' verbal smack-downs in the rap battles.

2006 Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit wins the Oscar for Best Animated Feature. A film starring mice has never won. Take that Mickey! It's Oswald's revenge.

Previous Histories...
Sharon Stone * Jodie Foster *Gender Bending * Bald Women * Sarah Jessica Parker * Gay Cowboys * Julianne Moore's Screen Kids * Gyllenhaal

did you get all that? silly rabbit quiz or rabbits galore

tags: bugs bunny, donnie darko, movies, bunnies, Easter

Dogville > Manderlay. By Large Margin.

...but I'm not telling you anything you haven't already heard. I can't swim against the general consensus when it comes to Lars Von Trier's latest provocation. Manderlay, as you may have heard or witnessed for yourself, is an extension of Dogville (review), LvT's potent skewering of groupthink, capitalism, and societal hierarchies.... only this time the thematic attack is not so much an overview of several parallel depravities as an intensely specific view of one kind: slavery.

In addition to its narrower subject, Manderlay suffers a noticeable blow when robbed of its intended movie star. Nicole Kidman's mysterious abilities with stubborn and self-deceptive characters were put to extravagantly good use in Dogville as they also were in The Others (review) & Birth (FB Best Actress nomination). So right from the start this film's "Grace", Bryce Dallas Howard, is operating at a distinct disadvantage. She doesn't come equipped with Nicole's mystery as a screen persona and even if she did, the character has already had her own secrets divulged by the events of Dogville. We're already well aware of Grace's chief character defects and the liberal acts of kindness that mask them.

I didn't dislike Manderlay so much as felt as if I'd seen it before in a more fascinating version with deeper characterizations and complex ideas. Dogville was a true original and I still urge everyone to see it. Manderlay unfortunately feels superfluous. It's a retread in virtually every way. As a result it's less shocking and potent, robbed of Dogville's considerable power to surprise. This time, having firsthand knowledge of the story's blueprint, we see the narrative gut punches coming a mile away. It's hard to have the wind knocked out of you when you've already tightened your stomach muscles anticipating the blow.

tags: Nicole Kidman, Lars Von Trier, Bryce Dallas Howard, Dogville,movies, cinema, Manderlay

Three From Germany

I promised more international coverage this year. So I'll be giving you quick peeks at foreign-language cinema when I can manage. Today's post concerns Deutschland. There's more to German cinema than Run Lola Run. Here are three new trailers for your viewing pleasure. These films have international breakthrough potential so keep an eye out.

1. Requiem
This film won Best Actress at the Berlin Film Festival. previous link to discussion of this film in case you missed it over at mainly movies
2. Das Leben Der Anderen
The film which received the most nominations at Germany's own Oscars.
3. Perfume: The Story of a Murderer
This film is in English and a multi-national production so it definitely won't be Oscar Foreign Film eligible but feel free to be excited about it. It looks fascinating / creepy and we've seen fine work from German auteur Tom Tykwer in the past: Run Lola Run, The Princess and the Warrior, and Heaven are among his past projects.

* Thanks to Patrick for some of this info.

Request: Classics I Haven't Seen

It’s Monday. Time for the Reader Request [Use comments to request topics for next week] Today’s topic was suggested by Glenn. It’s a humiliating one --thanks. He wants me to 'fess up to the bonafide classics I’ve never seen. At the risk of losing all of your respect here are the five films I’m most embarrassed to admit that I’ve never seen.

The Unseen

The Deer Hunter(1978) & Platoon(1986)
I’ll start with what I like to call my ‘Oscar Goes to Vietnam Double Feature’. Hollywood has visited 'Nam quite often but I usually feign sickness (or maybe I am washing my hair?) when those films open and I have to decline. I don’t count war films among my favorite genres. The serious meditations within the genre depress me. The rah-rah action films in this milieu sicken me. Don’t get me started on Forrest Gump’s “Disneyworld version of Vietnam” (thanks, Nick). And there’s also this: Apocalypse Now (my article) and Coming Home (my review) will be tough to beat as Vietnam war coverage. At least for me.
status: Planning to watch both soon.

Goodfellas(1990)
I was living abroad when this film opened. Tis my only excuse for having missed it. Am assuming everyone is correct to think it should’ve beat Dances with Wolves for the Oscar. My favorite 1990 film is Tim Burton’s Edward Scissorhands.
status: Will make a valiant effort to watch soon.

Double Indemnity(1944)
Of the five movies listed herein, this is the one I’m most excited to see. I have been loving Barbara Stanwyck ever since I held the “who’s your favorite actress?” polls at the site. When she made an impressive showing in the finals, I decided that I really must investigate her caree. With one famed exception (Stella Dallas I haven’t been the least bit disappointed. I also am a known fan of the neo-noir remake of sorts, Body Heat (my article). There’s every reason to believe I’ll love this movie.
status: Soon on the Netflix queue.

A Clockwork Orange (1971)
Why do I willfully ignore a film which is, by so many accounts, one of the greatest ever? Two reasons. The first is Stanley Kubrick. He is, apart from Spielberg the most widely beloved auteur to whom I have never fullly warmed. I don’t dislike his films. But neither do I ever seem to fully embrace or buy into their genius. I keep trying though. If he is God’s chosen auteur I suppose I’m in for 72 cold takes of the scene where I request entrance at the Pearly Gates.

The second reason is more sentimental and more truthful as to why I’ve never watched this dystopian flick: Singin’ in the Rain. That film’s titular scene starring a smiling and radiant Gene Kelly is one of my five favorite film moments ever. For those who understand how few the number five is when drawn from 1000s of hours of the great obsession of my life you’ll understand that Singin’ is sacred to me. I’m aware that Clockwork uses the song in a particularly ghastly context. Even this second hand knowledge sometimes invades my thoughts when I’m just trying to enjoy Gene Kelly sloshing about in the studio-generated rain. No thanks.
status: Only if you hold my eyes open with Clockwork Orangestyle metal pincers.

Your Turn: What are you embarrassed to admit you haven't seen? 'Fess up in the comments [And leave a request if you have one]

previous requests: Favorite Animals (for Cal) Cher (for David) and The Sound of Music (for Anonymous)

tags: classics, entertainment,cinema, Oscars, movies

Awareness of April Month

I am so sorry my information-hungry readers! I totally forgot my duty of educating you on the special properties of this specific month. What would you ever do without me? I bet you totally haven't been celebrating appropriately. As soon as you read this, get to it.

April doesn't spread itself as thin as March (God, March was a whore, wasn't it?) but did you know that April is...

Alcohol Awareness Month


National Parkinson's Awareness Month


National Occupational Therapy Month

(that post)

National Autism Awareness Month




Now you know so much more about April than your neighbor. Live out the rest of the month accordingly.

Linky

Fagotty-Ass Faggot on United 93's sadly original casting idea
Cutting to the Chase loves imagining 'caught on tape' celeb escapades.
FourFour on Eminem's publicprivate life.
Letters to Famous People fires one off at Daddy Lohan. Go get him!
ModFab shares orgasmic theater news. Coming on the heels of the brilliant (with a capital B) Sweeney Todd revival, it's a pretty sweet time for Sondheim lovers.

I Just Adore Connecticut. That Feeling It Gives.

Real life doesn’t often feel like reel life. Yet when events, people, or places somehow do run closely parallel with cinematic twins, it’s hard not to notice. I am currently in Hartford Connecticut. This is my third trip out here to spend some time with Nick. Each time I arrive I remain disappointed that Hartford and its Train Station never once force me into thinking about Cathy Whitaker (i.e. Julianne Moore in Far From Heaven). Hartford and its train station, you see, look nothing like the location and images we see in that splendid Todd Haynes masterpiece. I now occassionally do think of the films as "Far From Hartford".

Nevertheless, when I return to the train station to make the trip back to New York I’m thinking I should wear a purple scarf. It’s my last trip to Hartford (the home of the fictional Whitakers) since Nick is moving to Chicago. At the very least I’ll ask Nick to put some gloves on and wave me goodbye. As the train pulls away I’ll imagine the camera swooping back and up. My iPod will fill my ears with Elmer Bernstein’s brilliant score in tandem with the trains departure.

An Oscar Fool I Am

I really and truly did want to give up Oscaring after Black Sunday but I obviously can't. I'm not asking for your pity but I will accept monetary donations to foot the psych ward bills. Over @ the vintage site (I'm spending so much time on zee blog these days) I've added all the pages for next year's competition with my guess work, the charts (couple of the techs are spotty but i'm working as fast as I can), and now they come with explanations too --at least for the pictures and the acting categories, so you can give up wondering why I made those calls.

Enjoy. Or look quickly away --you know that crazy is contagious, right?

Mel. Back in the Good Old Days

So as an original member of the Loyal Order of the Gilded Moose I felt a pang of guilt today on "Nice Friday" that I just trashed Mel Gibson.

As penance I display this picture of Mel with Diane Keaton in the undervalued Mrs. Soffel from the 1980s. Yes, Mel really did look like that. For all of you youngsters out there: This is why the world became obsessed with him. Not this movie. This face.

Before the crazy bearded 'i'm as looney as Tom Cruise and I didn't even need Scientology!' evangelical auteur days, he was just a gorgeous and talented movie actor. Good times.

Good Vs. Evil: Heath Ledger Directorial Edition

It's the last Heath Ledger post of the day. You can all breathe sighs of relief. Pretend your Naomi Watts and Heath is finally out o' yo hair. After this post that is...


Ang Lee and Mel Gibson are arguably the two moviemakers most responsible for the career of Heath Ledger. Aside from the fact that they're both double Oscar-winning directors who were born in the 1950s, could these men be any more different? Ang Lee is an enormously talented director of restrained style and superb taste. His films are quiet, nuanced, and moving. In them he looks on other types, races, and cultures with a compassionate eye and profound humanism. Mr. Gibson is an enormously well-rewarded director of showoff style and bizarre taste. His films are loud, obvious, and violent. In them he looks on other types, races, and cultures with a suspicous eye and harsh judgment.

Mel, part-time Aussie, snatched up Heath Ledger when he was just a hot young Australian actor to play his son in The Patriot (directed by Roland Emmerich) which led to multi-million dollar paychecks and billboard & magazine cover fame. Ang then rescued him from a dwindling career and guided the performance of a lifetime in Brokeback Mountain. We owe both Mel and Ang for lifting the career of this very promising actor into our sight line.

Thank you Mel. Now please go sell crazy somewhere else!
Thank you Ang. You can stay. Make lots more movies, please.

tags: Heath Ledger, Mel Gibson, Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain,celebrities, Australia

Men's Heath

World Heath Day? World Health Day? Tomato. Tomahto. Jake Gyllenhaal's ready for either.

previously on World Heath Day
Madonna & the Man himself

Madonna Also Caught up in World Heath Day Confusion

Liz Rosenberg could not be reached for comment.

World HEATH Day

Wow. I had no idea Heath Ledger's star had risen this far. I mean "World Heath Day"! Will Jake Gyllenhaal grand marshall the parade? Will Michelle Williams make infant Matilda wave to the crowd (so cute when parents pull those baby puppet strings). World Heath Day. This is so f***ing coo--huh. what's that?

Oh... World "Health" Day. OK. Um...

Never mind. (damn)

Your Links I Do Deeply Dig

And now a word (OK, 84 words --89 if you count contractions as two) on linkage... Do y'all like the occassional link roundups? The reason I do them is threefold.

1. I believe in sharing the love. If I like something or find it interesting, I want others to know about it, too.
2. karma. I'm assuming that if people like what they're seeing/reading/imbibing here they'll do the same.
3. I'm a traffic whore. And links make the blogosphere go round ...and come back again (theoretically)

Thursday Triple: Missed Opportunities

Three famous roles turned down by three famous actors for one reason or another... pity that.

Bowfinger Knew Best: 'TomKat' & 'Celestia' Premonitions

So we all know Tom Cruise is cuckoo for cocopuffs but last night I was watching this Steve Martin tribute on TV and they showed a clip from Bowfinger, that Hollywood comedy he did with Eddie Murphy in 1999.

The most obvious real life target at the time (to me) was Heather Graham's character. She equalled Celestia herself, Anne Heche. Rumor had it that the breakup with Steve Martin (before the Ellen Degeneres whirlwind and Heche's Celestia crackup) was not at all amicable and he was working it out onscreen. I also recall totally registering that MindHead, the celebrity cult run by Terence Stamp was an obvious stand-in for Scientology. But now it's clearer still: that absolutely paranoid, alien-fearing, bonkers action movie star played by Eddie Murphy? You know who!

The continuing TomKat lunacy is making me want to give Bowfinger another look.

tags: Tom Cruise, Anne Heche, Eddie Murphy, Steve Martin,Bowfinger, movies, celebrities, scientology, gossip

Matt, Rupert, Terrence, Michael, and Justin.

It's been six years since American Psycho premiered and I still feel ashamed that I find Christian Bale so freaking sexy in it. But never mind. I only use this as illustration. Though it does relate (tangentially)

As promised the Actors of the Aughts countdown resumes today. Click there to read about the latest adds to the list:

Ross, Everett, Howard, Hitchcock, and Theroux.

For those keeping track that's two more American Psycho alums (The man himself, Christian Bale, will show up as well, sillies, but not for a good. long. while.)

Lazy Linking

This made me smile: "Thelma & Louise reunited"
This raised an eyebrow: "A Korean Brokeback Mountain"
This we could argue for hours: "Liza Thinks Cher is Bigger"
...and a cinephile dream: "Treasure Trove"

Hump Day Hotties: ABBA

Today is Agnetha Fältskog's birthday. Or, perhaps more descriptively... it is the birthday of the blonde girl in ABBA. And try as I might I "Can't Shake Loose" (Children of the 80s may recognize the reference --the rest of you are SOL) ABBA is, as you may have read or heard for yourself, the most ingenious pop band in the history o' the universe. Even if there are bands churning pop hits out in other galaxies, I feel completely confident in saying that there's no way any group anywhere -- ever -- has produced as consistently catchy a discography as the beloved Swedish quartet.

All that said it's important to acknowledge that you'd be completely justified in being sick to death of them. I think it was Mamma Mia that did it for me. I had to put the ABBA CDs away for a few years. Many of my friends from high school still wonder how I, such a huge ABBA fan, have not seen Mamma Mia onstage. My answer: I never will. ABBA was perfect as is. I don't need some soulless jukebox musical to further overplay the songs at me.



My all time favorite ABBA songs for those who have valiantly made it to the end of this post (six of them just for "par3182"):
1. The Name of the Game
2. Knowing Me Knowing You
3. One of Us
4. Summer Night City
5. The Way Old Friends Do
6. Under Attack

As to the sex quotient of ABBA? Well, I'll just say this: Remember how Fleetwood Mac and Culture Club disintegrated due to interband romances? Remember how No Doubt looked shaky for awhile when whatshisname dumped Gwen? Copycats! ABBA did it first.

ABBA did it best.

*

tags: abba, broadway, music, celebrities

other atypical HDH selections:
"Lady Tottington" , Tim Gunn, "Starbuck", and La Streep

and something more traditionally piping hot

Rowlumbusitis

You may recall that when Chronicles of Narnia came out I said barely a word or two about it. To me it was Insom[Nar]nia. Too inconsequential, pedestrian, and fluffy to think on for more than the time it took the credits to roll. It was infected with the dread "rowlumbusitis" ... a disease that infects family movies based on blockbuster books, Broadway musicals based on movies, movies based on Broadway Musicals, and Movies based on TV Series.

Reader: Hmmm. I have never heard of this disease. What are the symptoms -- Can I catch it?
Dr. Nathaniel: Inquisitive reader, take note: You can only catch this disease if you are in a creative field and you are naturally lazy or possessed of meager talent. The most common symptom is the cutting of corners when transferring beloved object A into new medium B or slavish dull recreation of object A with B's new toys. This disease is HIGHLY contagious. It can render you completely inept and, still, no one will ever punish you or cry for intervention or ask you to seek treatment. Object A is so well known that everyone will give you money for it in Medium B. Their pre-existent affection fills in any blanks in your mediocre transfer. A person so infected can work forever without anyone catching wise.

Reader: Is the disease mutating? Can it be stopped?
Dr. Nathaniel: It is not mutating. It's pretty basic and easy to spot. Although there is a sister strand called "lucaslucasitis" that primarily results in intense self-plagiarism and navel gazing, followed by a complete disregard for what made the belly worth looking at in the first place. Like an amnesiac masturbator.

Can the disease be stopped? I'm sorry to report that the prospects look dim.

Reader: I would hate to be a doctor. Seriously, can you enjoy anything without seeing sickness everywhere?
Dr. Nathaniel: Sure. Take Tilda Swinton --she swings a mean sword as The White Witch, now, doesn't she?

Simply the Bette

Had she miraculously lived through breast cancer, that haze of smoke constantly surrounding Bette Davis would've taken her. But not without a fight! The sharp-tongued screen legend woulda been 98 long years old today *wipes away tear* So if you still haven't kicked the habit, light a cigarette today in her honor. Better yet, curl up with one of her movies.

Previous Bette-centric posts:
"She's a Bitch @ The Movies" video compilation
Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Halloween

A History of... Sharon Stone

It's Tuesday. Time for the latest episode of our series.



1958 God begins to plan ahead for Marilyn Monroe's death. Knowing that mankind will need a replacement blonde icon to obsess upon, he plants Sharon Stone in Meadville, Pennsylvania. Instantly cognizant of his mistake he overcompensates dropping Michelle Pfeiffer in Orange County and Madonna in Detroit later that same year. Whew, close one.

1964 Young Sharon announces that she plans to be the next Marilyn Monroe. Her mother nods knowingly, later declaring to the press that her child was "always posing."

1977 Sharon moves to her Aunt's place in New Jersey. God quickly counters, positioning Madonna directly in a taxicab in Times Square. Madonna shacks up with a musician immediately. Sharon, slacking, waits four days to sign up with a major modelling agency.

1980 Stone is spotted briefly / obsessively (but without dialogue) in Woody Allen's Stardust Memories, an experience she describes as "losing her virginity." She does not mean this literally [we hope].

1984 Stone appears in a TV film with Rock Hudson. Decides to ditch "the next Marilyn" goal for "the next Liz Taylor." God remembers he gave Stone a 154 IQ. He also thinks it a better fit but makes note to keep Liz alive as long as possible anyway. Sharon marries her TV producer and gets her first memorable gig in Irreconciliable Difference as a slutty actress with pit hair who stars in a musical version of Gone With the Wind [I'm not making this up...]

1985-1989 Stone finds herself in a slew of embarrassing B movies and the pits of career desperation...

1990 ...leading her to join the other Hollywood sheep in the throes of Scientology. Soon she lands a standout gig as Arnold Schwarzenegger's violent slutty wife in Total Recall. To seal her breakout bid she poses nude for Playboy. She tells the press it's because she needed the money. Always posing, she is.

1992 Michelle Pfeiffer turns down Basic Instinct. God relaxes: That Pfeiffer thing sure was a good idea. After the rest of the A-Listers follow suit, Sharon Stone grabs hold of the role of Catherine "F*** of the Century" Trammel with a fiery "last chance" commitment. White dress + dirty talk + uncrossing of legs = superstardom. In her most shameless PR pose ever she tells the press that director Paul Verhoeven tricked her into it.

1993 Madonna disses Stone on Arsenio Hall, implying that her breasts are fake. So Sharon shows them again, following up her smash erotic thriller with another one called Sliver. She plays with some Baldwin brothers' penis.

Then again, who hasn't?

1995 Still desperate for the fame she has already gained, she turns her ACTING up to 11 for Martin Scorsese in Casino. People say that the expensive gifts she gave to every member of the HFPA won her that Golden Globe but I think it was born of pity. Shouldn't you get some sort of trophy if you blow Joe Pesci onscreen?

1996 At the heighth of her fashion stardom, she attends the Oscars wearing a gap shirt and makes best-dressed lists. Entertainment Weekly, never one to avoid a bandwagon, names Stone one of the top 100 movie stars of all time. Shirley Maclaine and Catherine Deneuve, unlisted, are pissed.

1998-2003 Her star already on the wane, she marries Phil Bronstein and moves to San Francisco where she suffers a heart attack. She adopts her first child and names him "Roan". We can only hope that he has his dad's surname. Sharon divorces Bronstein. During this time she also suffers a brain aneuryism. [I could tie this all in to the Liz Taylor reference but this is nothing to joke about.]

2004 Sharon wins awards for her service to the gay and lesbian community . She then appears in Catwoman cancelling out all previous humanitarian efforts.

2005 Bored unemployed movie st Sharon Stone adopts a second child and names him "Laird Vonne Stone", poor thing. God, feeling guilty, vows to help him stay skinny and popular.

2006 In preparation for the release of Basic Instinct 2 the "Tour of Crazy" begins. There's plenty of posing. From there I turn you over to the tireless crazy train coverage @ The Gilded Moose.

while you're here check out the rest of the goodies on this blog or read previous histories... Jodie Foster *Gender Bending * Bald Women * Sarah Jessica Parker * Gay Cowboys * Julianne Moore's Screen Kids * Gyllenhaal

tags: Sharon Stone, Basic Instinct, movies, celebrities, gossip

Something That Really Annoys Me

It is this: People who have blogs that don't list their e-mails. No fair.

Actress Filled Out

Er... that didn't sound right. Just a heads up that the Oscar Page for this year's BEST ACTRESS contenders is appropriately filled out. Should give you a better idea of what's in my head than just the head-scratching names...

Wish You Were There

No service charges. Just a click of a button away...

Flickhead is hosting an Angie Dickinson blog-a-thon.
Glitterati wonders about Brad Pitt's happiness. Me too. And about the morphing into lovers? Yeah, thought it was cute at first. Now I'm concerned.
Mainly Movies has an insightful take on a great performance onstage in London. I saw it in NYC and do wholeheartedly endorse.
Nick Schager really dislikes V For Vendetta
number one hit song has mixed feelings about 'the Björk & Barney show' expressed in haiku. How else?
!! omg blog !! wishes it could have gone to the prom w/ George Clooney.
Pop on The Rocks keeps up w/ buzz on Dreamgirls.
Queerty marks our calendar for Madonna worship.
Scene Stealer continues his top 100 film countdown. He so crazy that Dorothy Gale & Co. are only @ #43!
six things lists excuses for not posting (I so relate)

Brokeback Birthday

What would Jack give Ennis for his birthday?

Heath Ledger, one of the creatively open and fertile minds through which the stifled tragic Ennis emerged celebrates his 27th Birthday today. In a neat (jack) twist Brokeback Mountain arrives on DVD today. So you can give it as a gift to you and yours. For those readers out there (I'm sure you exist) who didn't see this during its amazing $82 million run at the box office, try to forget the endless parodies and awards season hoopla. Just get lost in the movie. It's great.

Previous writings on Brokeback (chronologically)
New With Joe Reid First Wave of Attacks
"Cowboy Fever" Part 1 and Part 2
"Love is a Force of Nature" (My Review)
The Year in Review Brokeback is #1
"Heath Ledger is a Baby" Too Young For Oscar?
A History of... Gyllenhaal
A History of...Gay Cowboys
Oscar Symposium. Lots of Brokeback Chatter w/ six guest writers
Film Bitch Awards Most Nominations and Wins
Oscar Competition: All The Races
Oscar Countdown. February 21st through Black Sunday, March 6th
Joe Reid's Best of the Year
Get Closure how to get past the Brokeback Oscar loss

THE END
[...of plentiful cowboy postings. At least until Brad Pitt saddles up as Jesse James]

tags: Heath Ledger, Jake Gyllenhaal, gay, movies, Brokeback Mountain, Oscars

Future Oscar Acting Candidates. Discuss

Which divas, leading men, character actors, and stars do I think will be in the running about a year from now when the next Oscar race rolls around? Check out the new pages:

Best Actress
Best Actor
Best Supporting Actor
Best Supporting Actress.

It's all wild shots in the dark at this point. Wildly divergent opinions are sure to be had. I realize I'm not giving you explanations but time constraints are preventing and I had to get
All Predictions up. Done. [zzzzz] Return and discuss.

Best Picture & Director. Discuss

My April Fool Predictions are up for Best Picture and Best Director. It will be a "Good" Year. I've also thrown up pages for both types of Screenplay and Costumes. Pages are still barebones but these things take time. [sigh]. Check it out and discuss here. Acting Awards and other techs later --commentary on each page eventually.

2006 Overview (Complete) Next: Oscar Predictions

My overview of the Oscar Field for 2006 is now complete @ the main site. Predictions Begin Today. Regularly Scheduled Programming may be suspended due to the upcoming predictions. We'll see...

Also vote in the poll on this year's Oscar wannabes...

48 is the new 34

I have not yet seen Basic Instinct 2 but you know I'm gonna. I hope it's so bad it's great. But if I read one more comment about how Sharon Stone is too old to take her clothes off I'm gonna freaking explode. This woman is hot. Yes, she's been frighteningly off her rocker lately. But many of the comments in the media and internet just reek of ageism and sexism. Look at this woman! Every 48 year-old on the planet wished they looked this hot.

You know who else is turning 48 this year?
Madonna. reinvents hotness every couplea years. Do you look as good in a skintight leotard? Yeah. Thought not.
Holly Hunter. one of the best bodies in the business. any age. Plus jaw-droppingly inspired as an actor.
Andie MacDowell. (obviously signed a deal with the devil. never ages)
Michelle Pfeiffer. über hot. pforever.

Don't anybody tell me 48 year-old movie stars aren't hot. Argh!

No Restraint

OK. So it's 2 AM and I really need to be asleep. But I gotta tell you...I just got back from seeing "The Björk & Barney Show" (AKA Drawing Restraint 9). About 2/3rd of the way through it they went from being the hippest genius couple in the world to something like a highbrow Mickey & Mallory Knox. I'll be sleeping in the fetal position tonight. If I get any sleep at all.

I didn't really think that either of them could freak me out at this point. I have loved and watched Björk since the Sugarcubes days. I sat through all 10 hours of Cremaster. This isn't my first Drawing Restraint etc... And, yet, they managed it. um. congratulations?