Tuesday, April 04, 2006

A History of... Sharon Stone

It's Tuesday. Time for the latest episode of our series.

1958 God begins to plan ahead for Marilyn Monroe's death. Knowing that mankind will need a replacement blonde icon to obsess upon, he plants Sharon Stone in Meadville, Pennsylvania. Instantly cognizant of his mistake he overcompensates dropping Michelle Pfeiffer in Orange County and Madonna in Detroit later that same year. Whew, close one.

1964 Young Sharon announces that she plans to be the next Marilyn Monroe. Her mother nods knowingly, later declaring to the press that her child was "always posing."

1977 Sharon moves to her Aunt's place in New Jersey. God quickly counters, positioning Madonna directly in a taxicab in Times Square. Madonna shacks up with a musician immediately. Sharon, slacking, waits four days to sign up with a major modelling agency.

1980 Stone is spotted briefly / obsessively (but without dialogue) in Woody Allen's Stardust Memories, an experience she describes as "losing her virginity." She does not mean this literally [we hope].

1984 Stone appears in a TV film with Rock Hudson. Decides to ditch "the next Marilyn" goal for "the next Liz Taylor." God remembers he gave Stone a 154 IQ. He also thinks it a better fit but makes note to keep Liz alive as long as possible anyway. Sharon marries her TV producer and gets her first memorable gig in Irreconciliable Difference as a slutty actress with pit hair who stars in a musical version of Gone With the Wind [I'm not making this up...]

1985-1989 Stone finds herself in a slew of embarrassing B movies and the pits of career desperation...

1990 ...leading her to join the other Hollywood sheep in the throes of Scientology. Soon she lands a standout gig as Arnold Schwarzenegger's violent slutty wife in Total Recall. To seal her breakout bid she poses nude for Playboy. She tells the press it's because she needed the money. Always posing, she is.

1992 Michelle Pfeiffer turns down Basic Instinct. God relaxes: That Pfeiffer thing sure was a good idea. After the rest of the A-Listers follow suit, Sharon Stone grabs hold of the role of Catherine "F*** of the Century" Trammel with a fiery "last chance" commitment. White dress + dirty talk + uncrossing of legs = superstardom. In her most shameless PR pose ever she tells the press that director Paul Verhoeven tricked her into it.

1993 Madonna disses Stone on Arsenio Hall, implying that her breasts are fake. So Sharon shows them again, following up her smash erotic thriller with another one called Sliver. She plays with some Baldwin brothers' penis.

Then again, who hasn't?

1995 Still desperate for the fame she has already gained, she turns her ACTING up to 11 for Martin Scorsese in Casino. People say that the expensive gifts she gave to every member of the HFPA won her that Golden Globe but I think it was born of pity. Shouldn't you get some sort of trophy if you blow Joe Pesci onscreen?

1996 At the heighth of her fashion stardom, she attends the Oscars wearing a gap shirt and makes best-dressed lists. Entertainment Weekly, never one to avoid a bandwagon, names Stone one of the top 100 movie stars of all time. Shirley Maclaine and Catherine Deneuve, unlisted, are pissed.

1998-2003 Her star already on the wane, she marries Phil Bronstein and moves to San Francisco where she suffers a heart attack. She adopts her first child and names him "Roan". We can only hope that he has his dad's surname. Sharon divorces Bronstein. During this time she also suffers a brain aneuryism. [I could tie this all in to the Liz Taylor reference but this is nothing to joke about.]

2004 Sharon wins awards for her service to the gay and lesbian community . She then appears in Catwoman cancelling out all previous humanitarian efforts.

2005 Bored unemployed movie st Sharon Stone adopts a second child and names him "Laird Vonne Stone", poor thing. God, feeling guilty, vows to help him stay skinny and popular.

2006 In preparation for the release of Basic Instinct 2 the "Tour of Crazy" begins. There's plenty of posing. From there I turn you over to the tireless crazy train coverage @ The Gilded Moose.

while you're here check out the rest of the goodies on this blog or read previous histories... Jodie Foster *Gender Bending * Bald Women * Sarah Jessica Parker * Gay Cowboys * Julianne Moore's Screen Kids * Gyllenhaal

tags: Sharon Stone, Basic Instinct, movies, celebrities, gossip


Anonymous said...

Funny shit, I think this is the best History of... yet


J.J. said...

A blissful rendering of the Stone age. Worth a mention, though, is the dragon that attacked her husband a couple years back. If that isn't the most delicious publicity stunt, I don't know what is.

adam k. said...

Yeah, Stone is one crazy needy bitch. I remember hearing about the leg-crossing incident on Inside the Actors' Studio and remember believing it, cause of course James Lipton ate it up, but really, yeah, I bet it was all a lie. She probably improvised it without even being told to.

Yeah, this was the best History Of... yet. The god references were great.

Hm, so then if Julianne Moore = God, then did God create Michelle Pfeiffer and Sharon Stone?

StinkyLulu said...

Of all the things I love about you, your "History Of..." series just slays me most. So f'n brilliant, you smartyparty.

Javier Aldabalde said...

A 154 IQ? Didn't Einstein have a 160 IQ?

Maybe she's so brilliant it's beyond our understanding (possibly).

qta said...

you are going to make me cry... i am slapping my knee... my sides hurt from the laughing.

NicksFlickPicks said...

I love Sharon. I actually really do. I saw Gloria *and* The Mighty in the theater (comma) yo.

This entry was ingenious, but if you'll allow me, you forgot an entry... and coming from you, it's a surprising omission:

2001: From the pits of career meltdown, clinging to InstaShit™ like Cold Creek Manor as though it's a life-raft, Stone confides to Rosanna Arquette that Julianne Moore and Cate Blanchett are her favorite modern actresses. Proving that, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Or at least stand next to 'em. Or at least verbally position yourself in relation to them. (Which is exactly what Arquette does throughout. But Stone does it better, seeing as Arquette does not in any obvious way appreciate any gradient between, say, Samantha Mathis and Vanessa Redgrave.)

Glenn Dunks said...

I'm with Nick and legitimately like Sharon. I really liked her in Casino.

But, my god, I assumed she'd been around way longer than, what? 14 years since Total Recall. Hmm... oh well.

Pfangirl said...

Sharon Stone has the most annoying voice!

By the end of the Basic Instinct 2 trailer I couldn't take any more of her supposedly sexy, but extremely monotonous, drawl.

Still gorgous to look at, though.

natebrian said...

I really cannot believe that she was named one of the 100 greatest actresses of all time!!! I bet after "Gloria", "Catwoman", and "The Mighty" she's fallen out of the running. Maybe she'd make it into the top 10,000...maybe.


natebrian ---worse than that. it was a list of 100 greatest movie stars EVER. both men and women. and she made the list. after only 2 debatably major contributions (BI and Casino)

Anonymous said...

A fantastic blog yours. Keep it up.
If you have a moment, please visit my 10 Hottest Careers site.
I send you warm regards and wish you continued success.

Anonymous said...

Sharon Stone's recent "Karma" comment on the earthquake in China is a proof of the fact that she has nothing above her neck.

Anonymous said...

Good Job! :)