Saturday, February 24, 2007

would you wanna know why you were invited to parties?

Oscarwatch has the final list o' presenters that will be strutting their stuff across the Kodak stage for the Academy Awards tomorrow night. I've divided them up into easy to follow invitation-only categories.

because you won last year
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Rachel Weisz, George Clooney, Reese Witherspoon

we'd inject you into our veins. we'd snort you up our nostrils
if we could only figure out how it could be done

Helen Mirren

oops, sorry 'bout that snub
Ben Affleck, Emily Blunt, James McAvoy, Ken Watanabe, Naomi Watts

you're gonna lose. accept this gift bag as consolation
Meryl Streep, Leonardo DiCaprio, Abigail Breslin, Kate Winslet,
Cate Blanchett, Penelope Cruz

sorry your dad's going to lose
Jaden Smith

you have our vote
Al Gore

the beautiful people. the beautiful people.
Gael Garcia Bernal, Catherine Deneuve, Clive Owen, Gwyneth Paltrow,
Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Biel, Nicole Kidman, Eva Green, Hugh Jackman

it wouldn't be the Oscars without you (also: we're lazy)
Jack Nicholson, Jodie Foster, Tom Hanks

you funny and this'll be a long night
Jerry Seinfeld, Queen Latifah, Diane Keaton, Steve Carell, Will Ferrell, Cameron Diaz

why not?
Robert Downey, Jr., Greg Kinnear, John Travolta, Tom Cruise, Kirsten Dunst

we realize you OWNED 2006. but we're stuffy.
Daniel Craig

next: final thoughts and predictions.


Anonymous said...

So who's going to be onstage when they announce Best Picture? It's usually a Hollywood legend-type, and it's rare for someone who has recently presented it to do it again. Last ten years have been Nicholson, Hoffman/Streisand, Spielberg, Kirk and Michael Douglas, Eastwood, Harrison Ford, Connery, Pacino.

Let's do it process of elimination-style:

we already know what they're presenting: Hoffman, Weisz, Clooney, Witherspoon

presented it in the recent past: Nicholson, Hanks

affiliated with one of the nominees: Mirren, Watanabe, DiCaprio, Breslin, Blanchett, Kinnear, Carrell

not famous enough: Blunt, McAvoy, Biel, Jaden Smith, Green

too young (they like them crusty): Affleck, Watts, Winslet, Cruz, Bernal, Owen, Lopez, Kidman, Jackman, Paltrow, Dunst, Craig

not "classy" enough: Seinfeld, Latifah, Ferrell, Diaz, Downey Jr., Travolta

This leaves us with basically three options in depending order of probability, in my opinion:

3) Tom Cruise -- A bit of an outcast these days, but still one of the (if not THE) world's biggest movie stars. However, has never won an Oscar. Still his presence on this list confuses me, is he just trying to remain seen?

2) Al Gore -- Hollywood loves him, of course, but politically he probably wouldn't want to appear this prominently if he is interested in running again, as it would fuel the "Hollywood liberal" tagl.

1) Choose your favorite legendary actress. Meryl Streep, Jodie Foster, Catherine Deneuve, Diane Keaton. Only twice in the last 20 years has a woman done it solo (Streisand in 1992, and Cher in 1990) and twice more it's been a male/female pair. Streep would be the obvious choice, and my money's on a Streep/Keaton pairing.


I would be THRILLED if they let Deneuve do it. But I can't imagine them giving the honor to a foreign star. Even a legendary one.

I'd say your Streep/Keaton idea is solid but I'm gonna bet its Keaton

Cinesnatch said...

Nice allusion to Marilyn Manson, Nate.

As far as Right Said Fred, in the spirit of Election '08, it probably will be a woman. It would actually be funny if they had a white woman and a black man do it. But, I think anything ironic at Oscar is purely accidental. I think all the aforementioned guesses are quite possible. My intuition says Jodie Foster for some reason

Anonymous said...

It should be either streep or catherine deneuve...slight preference for deneuve.keaton just laid a big egg w "because i told you"...but, i'd be happy w/ her too. it would really be a gas to have her & woody allen do it...."annie hall" came out 30 years ago, 1977. or keaton & richard gere - 30 years ago was "Looking for mr. goodbar." is he legendary yet? hopefully she won't wear anything too goofy. i'm surprised jane fonda is nowhere in sight....she's got "georgia rule" coming out at christmas - she'll be gunning for best actress this time next year. sometimes they haul out a big surprise.

Anonymous said...

And since when is Cameron Diaz funny? Funny looking: yes. But, funny?

Anonymous said...

When will the best director page be updated?

Anonymous said...

Jodie Foster presents the Al Gore song, right? You predicted it right, it's the lesbian Oscar.

- cal roth

Anonymous said...

My money is Peter O'Toole...He's already there, and they usually don't announce who is going to present the "big awards"...becuase we know that Steven Spielberg, Francis Ford Coppola and George Lucas will be presenting Director but their names arn't on the list...

Anonymous said...

And Georgia rule has a May release...5-11 to be exact...

Anna said...

"3) Tom Cruise -- A bit of an outcast these days, but still one of the (if not THE) world's biggest movie stars. However, has never won an Oscar. Still his presence on this list confuses me, is he just trying to remain seen?"

Tom came to present the best director oscar in 2004.
why would he be "outcast"?

he is a great actor very successful (last with MI:III, see for the number and don't forgot to watch the dvd sales! it's huge), just here, very fine, and always working!

What is wrong with you? you read too much tabloids or are you against free speech?

Cinesnatch said...

Not to be contrary but ...

With the bad press he's gotten thanks to his sister, I don't see CRUISE handing out a Best Picture Oscar anytime soon.

And, Cameron DIAZ was funny as Lott in "Being John Malkovich." She was also effective in the romantic comedy "My Best Friend's Wedding." Her rise to fame wasn't totally bogus.

Anonymous said...

Tom came to present the best director oscar in 2004.
why would he be "outcast"?

um... because since then he's freaked out on Oprah, argued with Matt Lauer on Today, and criticized Brooke Shields for her personal issues. And been in zero critically [oscar-ly] popular films.

That's all. I still like him, but he'd be an "out there" choice right now to present best pic.

Anonymous said...

And I think Cameron Diaz was phenomenal in "Vanilla Sky". Also, O'Toole presenting Best Picture would be genius. No objections here.

Glenn Dunks said...

Tom Cruise is presenting the ex Paramount chief with something, I believe. Very nudge nudge wink wink, really.

I think it'll be Meryl (she's there anyway and she's definitely make funny) or Diane. Or both.

Or, they'll change tradition and get someone like Scarlett Johansson to present it. What was she doing at the Grammy's presenting the biggest award (Album of the Year)? That was a big WTF moment.


that wasn't Scarlett. It was clone # 7

Anonymous said...

Sorry, anna, you're gonna have to explain to me how Nathaniel's comment in any way suggests an infringement upon free speech. Cruise is there for a big in joke for the audience: he'll present Sheryl Lansing with the Jean Hersholt humanitarian award, and given how they were both kicked off Paramount, it's a little winking at the audience.

Anonymous said...

Actually, 3 years ago Scarlett presented the biggest award of the night (Album of the Year) at the 2003 BRITs (UK version of Grammys) - a week after having won a BAFTA for Best Actress.

I love the fact that us Brits have already awarded Scarlett 'future classic' Johansson a Best Actress prize, whereas Oscar has shamefully yet to even nominate her for anything.

Beau said...

Blunt, Green, Winslet, Cruz, Owen, Bernal, Kidman, Nicholson, Spielberg, Streep, Keaton and Craig sans shirt are the ones I'm most looking forward to.

...yes, sans shirt.
or with it on, I suppose. Whichever. He's just pretty.


i didn't say anything about Tom Cruise! I just typed his name in the list of "why nots"

I'm innocent. No need to send the scientology thugs after me. ;)

Anonymous said...

I CANNOT WAIT to see what Nicole Kidman and Kate Winslet wear.

Love them.

Anonymous said...

On the fashion front I really want to see:
Eva Green (bitch looked CRAZZZZY at the BAFTAS)

Kate Winslet (I just love her) Penelope Cruz (She can wear clothes that are too loose but sometimes she can work it and I bet she will tonight)

Nicole Kidman (duh?)

Helen Mirren (proves that you can look freakin awesome and sexy in your 60's. Can't wait to see what she wears tonight.)

Anonymous said...

You nailed it for Daniel Craig. He'll be back!