Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Top Ten: Prosthetic Appendages

tues top ten: a weekly series for the list lover in you and the list maker in me

Rose McGowan may have the first machine gun leg in the current "hit" Grindhouse [Please allow me to willfully ignore the box office problems. I'm not a big gore or exploitation movie buff but the least the gore loving moviegoing public could do to satisfy my worries about their bloodlust is go see something with at least some pretense of quality or reason for existence beyond the carnage. Thank you -your editor] but she isn't the first actor to be blessed with a memorable part. Get it? "part" I kill myself.

Ten Memorable Prosthetic Appendages

10 Virginia Woolf's nose in The Hours. When Denzel Washington presented Nicole Kidman with her Oscar for this movie he made a really stupid joke about winning "by a nose". But, you know, that probably did tip the scales in her favor what with the Academy being the Academy. A gimmick goes a long way.

09 ROSE MACGOWEN HAS A MACHINE GUN FOR A LEG! Yes, we covered this already. Calm down.

08 Adam's demon arm gets firepower in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (season 4). Or as Adam likes it call it: upgrades. Yes, BtVS works its way onto every top ten list. I'm an addict, can't be helped. If you still have not taken the cue and learned to love this television series as much as I than it's really your problem, not mine.

07 Björk and Matthew Barney legs in Drawing Restraint 9. At least I hope those were prosthetic legs they were both wearing in that truly sickening whaling climax. Or maybe they were the real deal in which case the arty rock star and the rocking art star are both wearing proshetics now. Mommy! Björk & Barney are scaring me again.

06 Lena Olin's limbs in Romeo is Bleeding *SPOILER*. I remember virtually nothing about this movie other than that Lena Olin's ferocity scared the s*** out of me. And she capped off the movie with a truly masochistic evil fait accompli involving the loss of her own limbs. Ewwww

05 Steve Martin's nose in Roxanne. Any Cyrano movie would certainly do but I include this one because I have to share this anecdote I had totally forgotten about before typing this list. I had my undergraduate experience at BYU which is *gasp* a Mormon school. I usually avoided their campus cinemas because they would edit all the movies so as not to offend delicate sensibilities. Delicate sensibilities are abundant with religious types, don'cha know. One night we went to see Roxanne on campus. I'm sitting there totally enjoying msyelf when it comes to that big bar scene where some redneck calls Steve Martin a "Big Nose." Steve then humiliates the name-caller by relaying 20 wittier insults he could have used. It's a long scene that's essentially a countdown joke --a crowd pleaser -- and we're just laughing away and then they bleep out the fucking punchline. The entire countdown joke ruined. Argh. Some people don't deserve movies at all.

04 Mark Wahlberg's penis in Boogie Nights. Contrary to popular juvenile belief found every damn place on the internet the majority of famous men --hell the majority of men period -- do not have gigantic pornstar phalluses. So don't be so shocked next time you see a tabloid nudie shot of a movie star and he doesn't look like he's cut out for a career with Falcon Entertainment. So... Marky Mark got a fake one for Boogie Nights. [Obviously NSFW] People complained at the time that it didn't look real but whatevs. How often do prosthetic appendages look totally real in the movies? I mean, aside from that machine gun leg on Rose McGowan: a study in verisimilitude.

03 Luke Skywalkers right hand in Empire Strikes Back gets all chopped off and replaced with robotics. Like father, like son. I was pretty damn obsessed with Lukes fate in Empire as a wee boy. As previously detailed here.

02 Beer filled legs in The Saddest Music in the World. Like a lot of precocious or quirky auterial work (see also John Waters) Guy Maddin's films tend to be more fun to think about in retrospect or beforehand than whilst watching. I still chuckle inwardly whenever I think of those beer legs in this complete oddity of a musical. Isabella Rossellini, very well cast here and absolutely in love with her alcohol legs, is one of the most adventurous thespians working. "If you're sad and like beer, I'm your lady" Indeed.

01 Captain Hook in Peter Pan. You have to top each list with a classic. It's a rule or something.


Deborah said...

What? No Jaws?

Jaws's (Richard Kiel's) teeth from The Spy Who Loved Me have just got to be on a list like this.

Okay, I'm Bond obsessed, so I'd include Teehee's (Julius Harris) arm from Live and Let Die, but seriously. Jaws.

Anonymous said...

Great list... but what about Edward Scissorhands?!

Anonymous said...

Diego Luna also used a penis pr. in Y tu mama también.

Marius said...

I noticed you have new contributors to your blog. Can you tell us more about them? Also, how is your blog going to change with these new folks on board?

Lucas Dantas said...

i was gonna say edward scissorhands too. there's also gwyneth paltrow's fat in shallow hal... okay, the film is bleh but a fat gwyneth paltrow is something really surprising.


marius --it's just guest bloggers is all. i have to take a few days off soon and they'll be filling in. i'll announce and introduce.

other stuff

truth: i forgot about edward scissorhands and i knew there'd be something BOND i'd miss but i had a deadline.

diego luna used a penis prop? is nothing sacred? fake nudity even in a foreign language film?

adam k. said...

I think I read that Diego had to use some kind of prosthetic to make him look cut, or uncut, whichever his character was in Y Tu Mama because in life, he was not really that way.

I really think Edward Scissorhands should've topped this list - it's a little bit more of a classic than Peter Pan - but in truth, I'd forgotten it too until people brought it up.

Speaking of Pan, didn't you sorta hate Hook? Why? I remember loving it as a kid, and I still think it's pretty fun.


um what? Peter Pan has been famous for like a gazillion years.

oh but yeah: HATED Hook. doesn't mean i hate the character though. Just hated Spielberg's version of the legend.

Pfangirl said...

Never been a big fan of the series, but Ash's chainsaw in the Evil Dead movies is a pretty iconic movie appendage..

Anonymous said...

i knew there'd be something BOND i'd miss

That's what I'm here for.

Anonymous said...

YOU, Nathaniel, attended BYU?

My world just shifted off it's axis.

BTW, the tag line is "If you're sad AND you like beer, I'm your lady."


argh. damn typos.

Becky said...

Funny story about BYU editing movies. My friend went and saw A Room With A View at the International Cinema and came back raving about it, so naturally my apartment full of naive freshman girls rented it to watch as a group. Fast forward to the naked men romping around the lake scene that BYU had thoughtfully cut out. My friend turned red and yelled "I didn't know!" over and over as we all laughed hysterically.


Becky, i had a friend named Becky at BYU. Actually she was my girlfriend's roommate. ANYWAY... that story sounds so BYU. hee --i also saw ROOM WITH A VIEW with my mom. embarassing!