Tuesday, August 28, 2007

H.S. I Love You

This post is my contribution to the Bizarro Blog-a-Thon

I've tried to fight it, oh how I've struggled against it ... but you know what they say: 'the truth will out.'

If Hilary Swank will have me, I'm hers.

Perhaps you've read my many posts about 'Beelzebub' and found yourself muttering "the lady doth protest too much" (sigh) You saw right through me. I am that protestin' lady. I did it too much.

Hilary receives her star. I'll kneel to polish it on every trip to Hollywood

Oh but what else could I have done? The enormity of Her frightened me. I put on boxing gloves with my ($10) Million Dollar Baby, foolishly trying to fight off the inevitable. But no more. I will be strong and proud and true. When I speak of my "Angel" I'll be Iron Jawed. Now I can Write this Freedom for all to read. I've unlocked The Core of my heart to let Hilary Swank inside. She's The Gift I've been waiting for through the long dull days of my cinephilia when I tried to convince myself that the Pfeiffers, the Streeps, the Winslets of the worlds were the ones that deserved Two Best Actress Oscars.

I've doused myself in Insolence to write todays' top ten list. If Hilary can't hear my new affection, maybe she can smell it?

Hilary's 10 Greatest Performances

honorable mention: (tie) Boys Don't Cry (1999) & Million Dollar Baby (2004)
You know what they say about Academy Awards. They give Oscars to the right people but for the wrong performances. Good stuff (hey, it's Hilary!) but minor accomplishments in the Swank filmography.

10. The Reaping (2007)
I was nearly hit by a car trying to get a snapshot of the billboard. Her performance in this horror/thriller was even more dangerous.

<--- Hilary is out of this world!

09. The Core (2003)
I'm not sure what research she did to prepare for the role but it worked. She's absolutely believable as an astronaut.

08. Freedom Writers (2007)
In which she showed Edward James Olmos, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Sidney Poitier how teaching gigs should be done. No wonder she has more Oscars than them.

07. The Film I'm Going To Write For Her (2010?)
When I look into Hilary's gorgeous brown peepers I feel like I know her soul. I need to create for her. I didn't want to be too boastful so I put this @ #7 instead of #1. This post is about Hilary not me!

06. The Affair of the Pearl Necklace (∞)

05. Insomnia (2002)
I lose sleep over how great she is in this Alaskan thriller. I hope Pacino was taking notes. I only wish they could edit Stellan Skarsgaard out of the original Norwegian film and let Hilary refilm his scenes. Because he is a terrible actor and Hilary can play a man (see #10). I bet she could learn Norwegian too.

04. The Next Karate Kid (1994)
Ralph Macchio is a tough act to follow but damned if she didn't pull it off.

03. The Gift (2000)
That fugly mullet hairdo... only the bravest of actresses would allow herself to be unattractive onscreen. And that high pitched painfully slow-drawl line reading "I've been thinking bad thoughts." God, it absolutely haunts me still.

02. Beverly Hills 90210
It's probably cheating to include a television show but this show reached its slow boiling peek under her revelatory work as single mother "Carly Reynolds" who dates Ian Whatshisface. I can't remember his name. I saw only Hilary.

01. P.S. I Love You
Because each new performance from this two time Oscar winner is a cinematic event. In this new film, her Christmas gift to us, Hilary's husband (Gerard Butler --God, she could so do better) dies but leaves her notes to help her move on with her life. December 21st is just four months away. I can't wait.

I'll hold my breath.

"H.S. I Love You"
It's the only thing left to say

Want more BIZARRO? Click for the blog-a-thon


Jason Adams said...

In all truth, I really like her performance in The Gift. I mean, for camp purposes of course. It's hysterical! And I'm not convinced she didn't know what she was doing. It doesn't exactly sit in the film right, but then, the film's kinda all over the place anyway.

Still, mad props to you, Nat, for rending your soul apart like this for our amusement. I was wondering what those shrieks coming from across Manhattan were. ;-)

I had a pretty hard time with mine, too. This blog-a-thon ended up being an exercise in cruelty! I feel like I need therapy after writing some of the things I wrote.

Anonymous said...

She absolutely does NOT look like a man or a transvestite.


Chinese Odyssey said...

Mmmmmm………love really is the new hate.

Anonymous said...

How could you leave her magnificent, phenomenally sexy, pitch-perfect performance in 'The Black Dahlia' out of the top ten? I think it at least deserves the spot occupied by 'The Next Karate Kid'. (P.S. Pat Morita -- R.I.P.)


Deborah said...

What about BTVS? Such a stellar moment.

Burbanked said...

A little respect, please: there aren't many actresses who can believably land the Space Shuttle in the L.A. River. Why wasn't she cast in The Right Stuff again?

Barry said...

Boys Don't Cry was an amazing performance. Million Dollar Baby was pretty excellent too.

Could you do an actual list of Hilary Swank's performances?

Steven said...

O Nathaniel...


Anonymous said...

Amidst a sea of great blogs, this is the Captain.


Anonymous said...

however, that pciture of her in the undies.... seeeeeexy

Glenn Dunks said...

"there aren't many actresses who can believably land the Space Shuttle in the L.A. River."

Is that how The Core ended? I think I fell asleep through that movie and don't remember much at all except how utterly ridiculous it was (a space ship travelling through molten lava!)

And, yeah, The Black Dahlia! That accent alone was worth a high ranking.

Michael Parsons said...

he he he.....I knew your love for the walking can opener would surface eventually

Y Kant Goran Rite said...

Though I don't support your anti-Hilary campaign, that was very funny.
(P.S. She was perfect in The Black Dahlia, it's not her fault no one else in that cast was in on the joke)

Anonymous said...

i think this hating hilary campaign is rather queent and silly and makes your blog a tad mean sounding,she is not the greatest actress in the world no but i'll have her over untalentedes like daryl hannah & lindsay lohan anydayi wonder if all this hate would be so prevelent if someone moore took the oscar in 99 and staunton in 04.
stop it nat!!!!


to everyone --it was painful to leave off The Black Dahlia and I also really should have found room for Freedom Writers in which she showed Edward James Olmos, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Sidney Poitier how teaching gigs should be done. No wonder she has more Oscars than them.

But with Hilary there's just too much great stuff! It needs to be a top 12.

I wish Blogger accepted hearts as typography because sometimes that's the only way to express all the love

to anonymous --- queeny and silly? I don't know how anyone could possibly ever describe me so! I'm as butch and serious as Quentin Crisp. I reek of testosterone.

but yes consider this the finale of the Swank posts. Some loves are too great and private to spoil with speech. Words are useless...

Anonymous said...

That post was far too convincing.

Burbanked said...

Kamikaze Camel - no, the brilliance of The Core is that landing the Space Shuttle in the L.A. River is how it begins.

Glenn Dunks said...

oh! Shows how much I paid attention, huh?

Nat, blogger DOES accept hearts! I used one just the other day on my blog. Well, it showed up on my computer...

J.D. said...

♥ is &-hearts-; (delete the dashes and there you go).


kamikaze --i saw that you tried to use hearts (the tell tale signs were there) but it doesn't show as a heart to me.

at least not on firefox where it registers as a straight vertical line.

Anonymous said...

1.) "Boys don't cry" got the film bitch silver award.

2.) Julianne Moore should be mentioned if you name the only actresses who deserve 2 oscars.
I wonder why noone is talking about "Savage Grace" - she's receiving rave reviews for her performance in it and there is a scene at the website http://www.encorefilms.com/savagegrace/index.htm


Anonymous said...

Was this supposed to be a joke or something? Putting her best work last and her worst work on top just to continue in on your Swank hatred? Whatever.

J.D. said...

Anon, I'm concerned for you and your blind idiocies.

Steven said...

...and I also really should have found room for Freedom Writers in which she showed Edward James Olmos, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Sidney Poitier how teaching gigs should be done. No wonder she has more Oscars than them.

Nathaniel, it is criminal that you did not put this movie (and this quote!) in your blog. Still, cheers to you.



yes... i will correct that now.

Swank just keeps giving!

NicksFlickPicks said...

I've rewatched Boys Don't Cry too recently to be hating on Hilary (many actresses I love have never given a performance that good), but I will say that my favorite Hilary Swank performance is in Sophie's Choice.

Wait, that was Meryl Streep??? Sh*t. I often get Swank and Streep confused. Forgive.

Anonymous said...

I think it's really classy and appropriate that a gay man allows continual "she looks like a man" posts on his blog.


I'm not really into policing comments.

and, hello, she DID play a man in Boys Don't Cry. I didn't make that up.


...and she's great as Brandon, too. And that aint Bizarro talking!


oh and out of curiousity, anonymous, i went back to look at the past couple of years of SWANK POSTS. Not a one of them said "looks like a man"

Not sure what blog you're reading. or was that a BIZARRO comment itself?

Anonymous said...

Am I the only one who thought she was actually good at Million Dollar Baby?


I think a lot of people think she was good in MDB. The issue that came up was that all the other nominees were better. It turns people against you. Happens all the time. Part of the Oscar game/curse. Oscar giveth and Oscar taketh away.

Anonymous said...

She was funny in "11:14"

Glenn Dunks said...

Yeah, Hilary doesn't look like a man.No, she looks likes a horse. Geez.


I really do like her in Boys Don't Cry and Million Dollar Baby. She's the definition of being great with certain roles and good directors otherwise she's toast. So many of todays big "stars" (a lot of whom are recent oscar winners) are the same.

Filmfan, I've said it before and I'll say it again - Juli isn't going to get an Oscar nom for Savage Grace unless there's a big massive push for her because the film is too explicitly weird and she plays an incestuous mother. She's good, but the movie isn't on the same level and it's just... out there.

Anonymous said...

P.S I love you will be great for only one reason. Gerard Butler.

Shaun said...

Oh Nathaniel, please a recorrection in your responses...You think everyone was better than Hilary in the year she won for Million Dollar Baby? Though I loved Annette Bening in The Grifters, I haven't loved her in anything else since. Swank was better. And she was greatly effective in Boys Don't Cry...more so than in Karate Kid, you sarcastic wonder...Come on, lovie, don't be so tough.

Anonymous said...

just watched P.S... well done indeed. harry connick jr. was surprisingly good.