Friday, August 04, 2006

A History of... Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson week continues. Since I'm all about your maximum reading pleasure I'd suggest soundtrack accompaniment for this post. "More Than This" by Bill Murray, the hidden track on the Lost in Translation soundtrack or, better yet, pop in Björk's "Army of Me"


1984 Scarlett Marie Johansson springs full grown from the head of her mother Melanie in New York City. Says a hoarse "hey" to twin brother Hunter three minutes later, lights a cigarette and watches a Lauren Bacall flick. Surprisingly patient, Scarlett waits ten more years before launching her attack on Hollywood.

1994 She makes her film debut in the legendary bad movie North starring a then 13 year-old Elijah Wood. He's already a pro with eight movies under his belt. Scarlett takes notes.

1998 She gets her first lead role at 14 in The Horse Whisperer. Nobody looks at the horse. Robert Redford, Kristin Scott Thomas, Dianne Weist, Sam Neill, and Kate Bosworth co-star. Nobody looks at them either.

2001 Ghost World premieres to hosannas from hundreds of critics and small pockets of obsessed geeks. Thora Birch is the star but it's Scarlett with her wise observant face and mellow vibe (among other assets) who hypnotizes. She gains the career momentum from the comic adaptation.

2002 Scarlett turns 18. Critics and geeks rejoice.

2003 Making her entrance ass first in pink panties, Scarlett ascends to the top of the Young Hollywood ladder with Lost in Translation. Two months later Girl with a Pearl Earring seals the deal on her new serious actress status and carnal appeal --she even makes mouthbreathing sexy.

2005 Ever the gambler, the new star makes two risky moves that payoff. She plays new muse for lost-it auteur Woody Allen improbably inspiring his biggest hit in 20 years, Match Point. She also takes a starring role as an escaped clone in the first flop from the King of Bad Movies, Michael Bay. It's a sci-fi actioner called The Island. Never one to waste an opportunity she studies cloning on the set and begins to replicate.

2006 Bouyed by a new clone army, Scarletts Johansson begins working 360 hour workweeks. Hollywood executives can't get enough with three movies in theaters (Scoop, The Prestige, The Black Dahlia), two lucrative commercial contracts underway (L'Oreal and Reebok), and five more movies in the pipeline for 2007.

2007 Trouble in Johanssonville. Scarlett2 complains of corns from endless Reebok photoshoots. Scarlett3's hair feels like straw after the L'Oreal commercials. Scarlett4 is sick of giving it up for Josh Hartnett --'the man is a sex addict!' and feels gropings from Isaac Mizrahi and ogling by studio executives contribute to a hostile work environment. Rejecting Scarlett's promises of shared Golden Globe swag, the Scarletts unionize. The original Ms. Johansson, never anything less than razor sharp, cuts down dramatically on overall production as payroll costs escalate. One film a year --two max. And definitely less nookie for Josh.


While you're here see the full blog for the rest of "Scarlett Johansson Week", vote in the current "Scarlett fever" poll, see where Scarlett placed in the "Actress of the Aughts" countdown or read the previous History Angelina Jolie

tags: Scarlett Johansson, movies, cinema, Josh Hartnett, cloning, gossip, clone, film, reebok, Golden Globes, Woody Allen


Anonymous said...

the unionization of the cloning was brilliant.

Glenn Dunks said...

hahah, that was great.

Clearly you forgot her two best roles though! Eight-Legged Freaks and The Perfect Score.

Actually, why am I making fun of those movies? I actually like them. lol. Such is the power of Scar.Jo!

Anonymous said...


HOLY FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brokeback Mountain just made #250 on the imdb top 250!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't sound too excited, do I?

Anonymous said...

P.S. I don't know if it was ever in the top 250. It may have slipped in before. But, what I do know is that it's been hovering under the 250 radar for months. It's rare for a film to open and then work its way into the 250 (not that BM will stay in it or anything, but wouldn't it be cool if it kept climbing?). 99% of the time, a film debuts in the 250 and then slowly drops out over time.

Probably the same could have happened to Brokeback, but there was so much hatin' (READ: "1" votes), that it was enough to keep it out of the 250 with a 7.8/7.9 rating.

Now, it's at #250! Yeah!

Anonymous said...

And if you're going to vote for BM, I recommend voting a "9," because imdb has a really funky voting system. (Like, if there isn't a natural exponential progression to 10, the "10" votes don't count as much towards the film ... does that make sense) Okay, enough about BM. Sorry.

Anonymous said...

... Okay, so I lied ... It's climbing! It's at #248 and that just happened within a couple hours. Okay, maybe it was at 248 to begin with and I just mistook the 'top 250' that precedes its rank as its position.

I thought y'all would be excited. I didn't lurve that film as much as most of you, but I'm excited.


I can see only Scarlett today. Her clones have surrounded me, furious that I've exposed them.

Reel Fanatic said...

Funny, funny stuff .. if I may mention an omission on the panties front .. I believe "The Perfect Score" also opened with a Scarlett panty shot, then went straight downhill from that summit

Beau said...

you forgot about her outstanding performance in "home alone 3", love.


RC said...

didn't Scarlett4 kill Scarlett2?