Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Keira Knightley Can Kiss My A**

Hi fans,

Winona Ryder, Hollywood. See what happened was this: Nathaniel couldn't come back fully from his vacation as planned yesterday and kinda sent out this open call / blog invite. He's kinda creepy like that –always hitting up the screen ladies for favors (of one sort or another).

Now, I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I am WAY too famous for open casting calls, fans. Or auditions. I hear my one-time protege Christina Ricci is still doing them but not me. I am a two time Oscar-nominee. Twice. Dos. But I heard Nathaniel was making like Heather Sawyer and encouraging you not to play my reindeer games. I'd ask him what his damage was. But I already know.

So I thought I'd let you all in on a little secret. He's just pissed that I never called him back when I first heard from him. He actually wrote me a love poem. He did! I am not making this up. I'm an Academy Award nominated actress, not some shut-in writer. So anyway, I got it, this fan letter that stank of dippity do--and my fans I would have responded with an 8 X 10 or something. I'm not a bitch. But it was right in the middle of what I'll tell you was a huge tabloid storm at the time.

Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie, Scarlett Johansson? Amateurs! I was on fire that ubiquity. I was slapping Cher, I was on the cover of every freaking magazine, I was f***ing the hottest guy on earth onscreen and off, I was collapsing from "exhaustion" (which saddled Godfather III with Sofia Coppola --yeah, sorry about that one), I almost losing my hearing, I got pregnant with Johnny's baby ---I mean, well, people were saying I did which was a *TOTAL LIE* and that we'd eloped. It was crazy. Good times.

Anyway, the poem went like this:

This Johnny & Winona elopement thing?
It's really got me down.
I don't know...
Maybe if I see the ring.
Why, Winona, Why?

Hey, if it were the tattoo.
I'd do that too.

Whose to say it isn't my child?

If it's the messed up hair
I wouldn't care.
If it's the TV show and fame,
I'd do the same.

I don't know
can't shake this thing.
Why Winona Why?

I am NOT making this up fans. Nathaniel wrote that to crack up his girlfriend at the time (Ha!) --they were both apparently really into Johnny & Me. Well, who wasn't? Of course that time is long gone. Johnny's tattoo now reads "Wino Forever" which totally blows mmmm, blow because we really loved each other.

So that recent diss here at the film experience? I know Nathaniel only did that because he's still licking his petty wounds. Well... 'Lick it up baby, lick it up.' Your poem sucked. I'll forgive you once you go see A Scanner Darkly!


P.S. if any casting directors are reading this give my agent a ring. I can still play any age. I'm like Alison Lohman on steroids. What the hell is she doing playing a teenager in Flicka. I swear to god she's older than me. Plus I am hotter and did I mention I'm a two time Oscar nominee? Yes, twice. Keira Knightley can kiss my aerobicized ass.

P.S. 2 Dave Navarro --call me!

tags: Winona Ryder, movies, cinema, Johnny Depp, celebrities, gossip, film

1 comment:

adam k. said...

Well, to be fair, they weren't exactly f***ing ONscreen. Off-screen, yeah. (god, what a scary thought)