Thursday, June 15, 2006

A History of... Angelina Jolie

"A History Of..." is my most popular feature but what with all the painstakingly accurate research required [*chortle*] it can take days to prepare. So you may have noticed that I've been neglecting this duty. Sorry.

Without further ado...

1973 James Haven is born to Oscar-nominated Midnight Cowboy Jon Voight and Marcheline Bertrand in Los Angeles, California. He has his father's lips.

1975 Haven gets a baby sister, Angelia Jolie Voight, a month after his second birthday. She has her brother's lips.

1979 Jon Voight wins the Oscar for Coming Home in March. Angie and Haven celebrate at home. with knives.

1982 Little seven year-old Angie gets her first screen credit for Lookin' To Get Out.

1989 Begins modelling. Feels full and sensuous lips are much better fit for modelling where it's totally acceptable --nay, required!-- to sexualize 14 year-olds. Hollywood is so stingy with good roles for natural born Lolitas.

1993 Getting long in the tooth for modelling, Angie re-debuts in cinema with Cyborg 3. Auspicious beginnings.

1995 She lands her first role that anybody notices. On the set ofHackers she meets and soon...

1996 ...marries Trainspotting star Johnny Lee Miller, hubby #1. Finding wedding dresses too bourgeois and veils too sexist, she paints his name in blood on her T-Shirt for the ceremony. Haven turns green, and consoles himself thinking about one of Angie's earliest tattoos "H". Tattoos are forever.

1998 Mrs. Johnny Lee Miller causes minor Hollywoodquake in the title role of the HBO film Gia playing her first glamorous sociopath. Follows it up with touching ensemble work as a party girl looking for love in Playing With Heart, further proving that beneath the pout lies a persuasive acting gift.

1999 She portrays "Lisa" in Girl, Interrupted and turns Winona Ryder's intended comeback into her own star-making vehicle. Noni too stoned to notice the hijacking. (Unclear if she yet realizes that Angie is the one with the Oscar.) Lisa = glamorous sociopath #2.

In this fertile star-making period she also films Pushing Tin where she meets Billy Bob Thornton. Out with Johnny Lee (divorce). In with Billy Bob Thornton, soon-to-be hubbie #2 and tattoo #welostcount. Billy Bob was dating Laura Dern at the time but I think we can all agree that knives + tattoos + blood vials are hard to trump in the "hot girlfriend" arena. Sorry, Laura.

2000 The breakthrough starlet attends the Oscars as Morticia Addams and makes out with brother Haven (not dressed as Gomez but maybe he spoke French?). Sets new millenium trend of following up Oscar win by starring in shitty blockbuster-- Charlize & Halle: nothing but copycats! Angie's next project is co-starring with Nicolas Cage in Gone in Sixty Seconds. But that's cruel of me to mention. You were probably relieved to have forgotten about it.

2001 Angelina's giant breasts get their first starring role in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. Roger Ebert turns digits 'way, way up.'

2003 Ms. Croft travels the world for Beyond Borders.She adopts the world's cutest boy Maddox abroad. Dumps Billy Bob back home in America. Angelina's baby fever begins but contrary to early Mia Farrow media snarking, her international period soon reads a little more Audrey Hepburn dogooder.

2004 She pops up in a couple of crappy movies just so she can be the best thing about them and remind the world that she's a bonafide movie star.

2005 BRANGELINA fever begins with hit movie Mr. & Mrs. Smith and even bigger hit gossip. Brad is married to Jennifer Aniston at the time but I think we can all agree that tattooed mindblowingly gorgeous movie star with cute international brood beats hard bodied pretty TV star. Sorry, Rachel. Brangelina spends the year playing pointless "no comment" games with the press despite the fact that everyone in the known universe (including each citizen of Namibia the year before the Jolie-Pitts invade) knows. Meanwhile Jennifer Aniston milks her feels-sorry-for-me moment for all its worth, smiling on endless magazine covers and trying. to. stay. strong *sniffle* oh and go see her new movie(s)!

2006 OMG. You think I'm even gonna even try? If you need this history as full as her luscious lips, check out the Angelina pages @ Gawker, Defamer, popbytes and WWTDD for much more ∞

2012 Jennifer Aniston continues to stay strong and appreciates your support in this difficult time. oh and go see her new movie(s)!

Say, while you're here check out the full blog, vote in the current poll, or read previous Histories...
Blue Freaks * Tarzan * Missions: Impossible * Dakota Fanning *Bunnies * Sharon Stone * Jodie Foster *Gender Bending * Bald Women * Sarah Jessica Parker * Gay Cowboys * Juli's Screen Kids * Gyllenhaal

tags: Angelina Jolie, movies, cinema, Brad Pitt, Winona Ryder, Jennifer Aniston, Maddox, celebrities, adoption, tattoos, Brangelina, Lara Croft, gossip,


Jason Adams said...

Awesome one, Nate.

It does feel like the media will be checking in with Ms. Aniston for the rest of Maddox, Zahara, and Shiloh's lives, letting us know how she feels about every birthday, cotillion, cherry-popping...

Anonymous said...

"2012 Jennifer Aniston continues to stay strong and appreciates your support in this difficult time. oh and go see her new movie(s)!"

Oh that's cold!

but funny as hell

Ramification said...

Yes, A History of is back ... the best installment since Sharon Stone... 'tattoo #welostcount' is genuis!

Neel Mehta said...

Maddox is hysterical. And, apparently, the lips are real.

Anonymous said...

I'm not one to condone adultery, but Miss A. sure seems to like playing up the victim/scorned wife angle. But wait, didn't she divorce Brad? Then shut up already.


Ramification said...

its funny how the balance has tipped in terms of the public's views on Jen A ... she didn't just let the 'wronged woman' thing quickly enough, Nicole Kidman could have given her some helpful hints!

Anonymous said...

"Roger Ebert turns digits 'way, way up.'"

heh. You should do "A History of...Roger Ebert."

Anonymous said...

Oh, Angelina. Such a fantastic actress, truly, but such a fantastically *crappy* selector of scripts.

I really want The Good Shepherd to be awesome. She needs a good movie (well, M&MS was good in a popcorny way, but you know...a really GOOD good movie).

Anonymous said...

You can see vidcaps from Angelina Jolie's film debut here.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the History! I was just thinking today that we need a timeline to put into perspective how quickly we forget psycho-creepy behavior. As with wars and world history, America has no memory. So carry on, Brangelina, you freaking weirdos, er, darlings of the media!


we really do forget weirdo behavior. one of the reasons i wanted to do it is it seems like half of America doesn't even know she even has a brother and that was like the whole story for a year.

what happened to him anyway?

Anonymous said...

What's your fucking problem with Jennifer Aniston?
She's a fine actress, a brilliant comedienne and has been in far less crappy movies than Angelina Jolie, who was brilliant at the beginning but embarrassing now.

Just coz you love the pathetic Brad Pitt and wont hear a word said against him doesn't mean you should take it out on Aniston. She didnt go sleeping around while she was married.

So basically, Brangelina can go fuck themselves

About Us said...


About Us said...



Anonymous said...

All this "humanitarian" stuff didn't start until after she got Tomb Raider. Shes just like every other celebrity. Its just good PR to talk about poverty and stuff like that. Every other celebrity does the same thing. Even David Beckham. It doesn't mean anything. Real humanitarians don't care about mansions or space rides. Shes a fake.

Anonymous said...

Hello, welcome all of you. In view she is really great. I don't forget Pop culture has a very short memory. Which is why, amidst the international romance of the Jolie-Pitts, one question keeps haunting me that no one else is asking?
Knox Leon

Anonymous said...

I challenge Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to spend those obscene reserves held by their 'Jolie-Pitt' Foundation on legitimate efficient 'humanitarian' work or turn the funds over to others who will. To date, they have taken in $22,000,000 on the sale of baby photos alone and spent or granted only a fraction of that on 'humanitarian' work or 'good will' of any kind. The rest so far, has been spent on PR campaigns, plane rides, and super-high end accomodations for Brad and Angie in exotic locations around the world. I also challenge them to meet the criteria of a legitimate charity, operate with a reasonable overhead, and get their 'foundation' worthy of a decent rating by ANY independent watchdog like Otherwise, to stop using their 'foundation' as a travel/PR firm and stop seeking publicity for every donation made to their own 'foundation' shortly before or after the premier of their latest film or DVD release. I challenge Brad Pitt to do the same with his 'Make it right' Foundation. Which to date, has not met the criteria of a legitimate charity or been given a decent rating by ANY independent charity watchdog. Otherwise, to stop competing with 'Habitat for Humanity' for PR, credit, kudos, and funding. Who by the way have been building homes for the less fortunate in every major city including New Orleans for decades. 'Habitat for Humanity' has been 'Top Rated' for years by and others. They operate with a low overhead, volunteer workforce, and donated materials. No similar effort can match their progress hour for hour or dollar for dollar. The homes built by 'Habitat' actually get lived in by the less fortunate. It works. In fact, hundreds of legitimate charities have been given good-excellent ratings by and other independent watchdog groups. By contrast, the vast, overwhelming majority of celebrity 'foundations' have been rated poorly, fair, or not rated at all. They usually don't even meet the criteria of a legitimate charity. Still, they have the nerve to seek funding from a number of sources including ordinary people, compete with legitimate charities, and cash in on maximum PR for their ineficient 'humanitarian' efforts. Its not right.