Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Tuesday Top Ten: Box Office Bizarre

for the list lover in you and the list maker in me

Since Spider-Man 3 ushered in summer movie season let's talk money (I'm too tired to swim against the current). Here are two lists of box office results. The first is real. And really depressing. The second is imaginary. I've tried to imagine the results in both cases.

10 Biggest Box Office Hits (so far) in 2007
dollar figures indicate millions of course

10 Disturbia $60
More Hitchcock ripoffs on their way. (same as it ever was). More Shia LaBeouf too, it's not all bad news.
09 Stomp the Yard $61
(I actually didn't realize this did so well)
08 Bridge to Terabithia $81
More fantasy adaptations are on the way (we knew this already)
07 Meet the Robinsons $91
More frantic CG animated comedies are on their way (same as it ever was). On a separate note: Did someone pass a law requiring all families to attend every CG Animated Comedy because doesn't it seem (no offense to the Robinsons) that it doesn't even matter what the film is?
06 Norbit $95
More fat suits are on their way. That joke just never gets old [/sarcasm]
05 Blades of Glory $111
Jon Heder is never going away, is he?
04 Ghost Rider $115
Nic Cage is never going away, is he? More C-List comic book characters are on their way. I personally can't wait for Ant Man, She Hulk and Moon Knight movies.
03 Spider-Man 3 $151
Bloated superhero movies are still hot (same as it ever was). Eventually this genre dies out. Most genres have some sort of sell by date for dominance. But when? The lazy entries don't seem to be weakening it much.

02 Wild Hogs $160
More ... no, I just can't talk about it.
01 300 $207
Possible negative side effects: More boneheaded racist and homophobic action films. Possible positive side effects: More action films striving for visual flair. More dudeity.

10 Biggest Bizarro World Box Office Hits of 2007
A "What If?" Proposal to Terrify Studio Executives
(with projected albeit exaggerated results)

What if audiences began acting like unpredictable challenge-seeking individuals for just one year. Imagine the creative chaos that would ensue. Imagine what the movies would be like in 2009.

10 Tears of the Black Tiger $61
All buzzy Asian titles that have been mistreated for years or left to languish in the vaults find their way to theaters or DVD. The Weinstein brothers are jailed for having horded so many without hope of release. Cinephiles rejoice.
09 Hot Fuzz $67
Clever spoofs greenlit. Brain dead spoofs like Date Movie sent to development hell.
I have no idea what the world would be like with more David Lynch and less, say, Mark Steven Johnson... but let's find out.
07 Black Snake Moan $71
Christina Ricci gets a stack of interesting offers. Distinctive auteurs with one well received film find financing for their second an easy road.
06 The Lives of Others $89
American media starts following the foreign film Oscar race and I become a famous well paid expert having done so for several years already. Submitted films find instant suitors for international distribution.
05 Year of the Dog $94
Idiosyncratic films encouraged. Screenwriting workshops throw out formulas in favor of personal expression. (possible drawback: individual mopeyness becomes as trendy as mosaic miserabilism)
04 Grindhouse $146
Studios begin developing several new explorations of forgotten genres as audiences thank Hollywood for offering two crazy retro films for the price of one. All is not rosy however. Hollywood's new cash cow is chopped up anyway. More coin for Hollywood's hungry bank. Unfortunate side effect: Tarantino films become even longer and he loves himself even more.

03 Spider-Man 3 $151
The webslinger's success = impossible to unimagine.
02 Zodiac $155
All future Fincher projects fast-tracked. Jake Gyllenhaal proclaimed box office gold.
01 The Perverts Guide to the Cinema $243
(Hey, it was sold out when I tried to see it) Critical genius and madman philosopher Slavoj Zizek becomes a superstar. The talk show circuit beckons. Numbers crunching Hollywood executives quit en masse in total despair.

Will auteurs finally reign o'er Hollywood?


Jason Adams said...

Oh to live in Bizarro World.

Pervert's Guide was wonderful, Nat. Like your own personal Zizek master-course. He's so freaking great.

Boyd said...

LOL... this post made my day!!

SamuraiFrog said...

Tarantino films become even longer and he loves himself even more.

Every time I think we've reached a cap on that, he just keeps going.

Great post!

Anonymous said...

I love that second list. What a beautiful world that would be.

Anonymous said...

Haha! Brilliant list! And I love that EW cover.

Anonymous said...

In Bizarro World the theaters and multiplexes scattered throughout my home city would actually play the films on that second list and then I wouldn't have to sit and wait for their DVD releases. Ahh, what a world that would be.


right? one wonders what the world would be like if they divided the advertising dollars or theatrical count more thoroughly... would audiences respond to different films or would they still flock to the conventional choices?

Beau said...

How in the hell did 'Wild Hogs' make $160 million!?!!?!!?!?

*slaps head*


only those who bought tickets know...

Jeff GP said...

Bridge to Terabithia is hardly "fantasy," but it was sold that way... so... fine.

And... hell... it's a good one.

J.D. said...

Yes, Bridge to Terabithia is NOT fantasy. Anyone who even knows of the book knows that. It was the powerful dark sorcery they used to deceive those who do not know. How do I know this exists? They stole it (back) from the Weinsteins when they left Miramax and lent a considerable deal of that to Touchstone for... WILD HOGS!!!!!!!! [thunder clahses] MUAHAHAHA!!!

Glenn Dunks said...

11. Jindabyne - $57mil.
Audiences start to seek out adult-oriented drama and welcome a new wave of Australian films at the box office that includes films in indiginous languages (Ten Canoes) and films about sassy evil bitches (Suburban Mayhem).

Anonymous said...

12. Following the success of Wisit Sasanatieng's campy but beautiful Western Tears of the Black Tiger, his latest film, the campy but beautiful ghost story The Unseeable, is immediately picked up for U.S. distribution.